Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

Did you see their ages? It will clearly be less fun and harder with the 3 than with her one. It’s their dad who has changed the goalposts. Stepmums don’t have to be martyrs, it doesn’t have to be I will have a breakdown and spend a month in a psychiatric institution to justify a no. It can be I needed the holiday too and you’ve turned a fun family holiday into a tiring slog mediating between children of different ages, I’m not doing that. That’s an ok version of ‘I won’t manage’ You don’t have to stick to any plans you think you can physically survive. Their dad is at fault here. He’s the one who’s fucked the holiday off. He’s the one who doesn’t care about taking his own kids on holiday. He’s the one who can parent the disappointed children. I’m with the op, I wouldn’t do it.

You are very upset that I dared leave the thread for a day aren't you?
My sincere apologies that you had to wait 24hrs for a reply but my life is not a soap opera here for your immediate entertainment. I do actually have to do things like go to work during the day, bath and put my child to bed and so on... oh and I did dare to go out for dinner this evening for my mothers birthday.

He could work around this. He'd tell you he can't but I know him, I know his work.

OP and her DH sound quite similar.

How would that work if you were a single parent and had 4 kids. Just never go on holiday?

This. What was his response?

he is very selfish. What does he add ton family life?

Guessing they don’t have 4 kids so they don’t need to worry about how it would work for them.

It's not on you, OP, but his poor older kids
I think when we take a step back and consider some of these blended family situations, it's not hard to see that the inequity must be scarring for the affected children.

Their mum probably wouldn't mind me taking them to be honest.

Unfortunately, though I do actually like my MIL! She lives hours away and doesn't like travelling so can't imagine she'd agree.

H hasn't said anything else yet, we aren't currently talking, I'll probably try to discuss it with him this evening. SC not due to be here until tomorrow night.

Yes because not replying on MN for a day and cancelling a planned family holiday are totally in the same realm 🙄

This. So many shit dads are propped up by good mothers. It doesnt take being long separated before they are trying to find replacement women to do the parenting or just stop, or want medals for feeding / housing them.

I’ve just seen the ages of the kids - and the fact that you only have one four year old! I said YANBU before, but I’m now gasping at the audacity of your husband. That’s not a holiday for you; it’s not even like the kids are all older snd can amuse themselves while you vaguely supervise. No way…..

True.
It certainly is when you have a father who is determined to use work as his excuse to avoid parenting ALL his children and finds the next woman he meets to rope into the job.
Good fathers don't foist the rearing of their children during their coparenting time, on the first poor schmuck they meet asap, after splitting from the children's mother.

Only on MN are women called vengeful for not rolling over and 100% accept the role of skivvy au pair 100% of the time.

In real life we call his older children not going on holiday at this time as simply consequences of HIS choices.

It is not the job of naive women caught in this mess by shit fathers, to compensate for them and their lousy choices/failings.
This is why so many dump their asses after one child when the penny finally drops that their sole function is to be childcare for these selfish men.
Good on them is what I say in getting out.

This.
Your DH is being a complete dick to all of you. Does he have form for expecting you to single parent his DC?
I would do exactly as you say, or insist somehow that he does come and you all go and he damn well makes sure you all enjoy it!
His poor DC will be devastated and it's all on him, not you!

I suspect OP is beginning to see the reasons why her DH's first marriage failed and to see the wisdom of DH's ex in dumping him off.

DH probably told OP that his ex was crazy and unreasonable. He will also tell his future 3rd long term partner (he will probably not marry again to avoid too many divorce settlements) that OP was also crazy and unreasonable because his definition of crazy and unreasonable will be "having a spine, failing to be a doormat. Failing to prioritise his comfort and ease at all times"

Your DH completely let everyone down in this instance, no question. I do wonder what will happen with the SC, though. I’m assuming that their diaries have contact time with Dad pencilled in, as they are booked to go on holiday with him. What will he do with them while he is working? Will they be sitting in the empty house while he’s on Zoom calls in the next room, with the knowledge that their other sibling is on the holiday that they were booked on?

There is no way on earth I would take 3 x the number of DC I personally have on holiday by myself, your H really is taking the piss.

I'd make sure to be present when he has the conversation to tell his DC there is no more holiday for them, otherwise you may find he spins it as "@on103 doesn't want to take you on holiday" and not the truth of "I'm backing out because I believe my work is more important than spending time with my family". He sounds like the kind of guy who wants to make himself look good so I wouldn't put it past him.

Be ready with a calm and solid answer if your DSC ask why you're still going, as given their ages it's quite possible they may question it.

You think OP should dictate how DSC's father talks to his children? I think that's too far and almost wanting to score points at the expense of DSC's feelings.

His DC were really quite young then when he split up from their mother. They are also close in age.

So, presumably his ex was dealing with a baby and toddler completely on her own (as your DH has always been this way and used work to avoid family life) and then she ended it, and he met you shortly afterwards, does that sound like an accurate summary?

Your reading comprehension is terrible. Read what @Starseeking wrote again.

@marigoldandrose 🙄🙄🙄

Thank you for elaborating OP. Appreciate that you have other commitments but there's been an awful lot of trolls on here making one post then abandoning the thread.

From your updates it still isn't clear what exactly about your DH's work means that he has to cancel an important family holiday at such short notice. If there isn't a rock solid reason with genuinely no alternative solution then yes DH is taking the absolute piss and I would be re-evaluating the relationship.

The SC are older which will totally change the dynamic of the holiday. They also live with their dm most of the time so whereas we have no reason to doubt that you love and care for them you're under no obligation to take them on holiday alone. In fact as pp have said it might even be inappropriate especially if their dm isn't keen.

That’s fine and I stand by what I said
OP hasn’t said anything of the sort, I need a holiday, psychiatric institutions etc so I’m not sure if your posts are you projecting.
with the info she has shared she hasn’t said anything like you’ve put Just that she’s not letting her partner get out of responsibility therefore the kids can’t go, so you’re making a lot of assumptions, I’m just commenting off what’s been said.

Im with you on this OP
My dh has a daughter from his first marraige
He would travel up north to bring her down to stay with us for a week,,,,,and then be away all week working,
It would drive me mad.

I'm wondering if your DH isn't speaking to you because you've ruined his plans for a child-free week.

He needs reminding that you are not a domestic appliance.

I wonder what he thought parenting would look like.

You're doing the right thing
He's never going to take responsibility for any of his children so you need to put yourself and your child first
He will completely reframe it as you being the one who had deprived his children of a holiday
more sadly, most women fall for that hence why most step mothers are just unpaid nanny's for a man's previous children

@pestowithwalnuts i hope my question doesn't sound rude, but I am genuinely interested in knowing what the thinking behind accepting behaviour like that from a man involves?
In the case of the families I know where this is common behaviour it is due to the female being scared of confrontation and being a people pleaser by nature
but it is a very common occurrence if mumsnet is anything to go by so I do wonder what's behind allowing men to abdicate all parental responsibility for their children once you are in a relationship with them?