Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

I'm surprised at the vibe of the responses. He is working to support the family. When you are self employed that brings a whole lot more stress than simply being an employee. Maybe he is worried about getting a job finished, or not being available for the next piece of work. Maybe he feels he can't lose the income. I think you are being unreasonable - and pretty poor show saying you wont take his child only your own IMO.

I'm surprised people are still bothering to speculate about somebody who's dumped a half story and then not come back for over 24 hours and 11 pages. I think it's safe to say she isn't coming back.

He is definitely being unreasonable. It does seem unreasonable not to take the other two children, but it depends upon their ages and how hard work it would be for you looking after 4 children by yourself.

Can he not work remotely from abroad? Could you take a friend or relative with you instead?

You are very upset that I dared leave the thread for a day aren't you?

My sincere apologies that you had to wait 24hrs for a reply but my life is not a soap opera here for your immediate entertainment. I do actually have to do things like go to work during the day, bath and put my child to bed and so on... oh and I did dare to go out for dinner this evening for my mothers birthday. Again, I sincerely apologies for the inconvenience this caused you.

For someone who doesn't know why people are bothering to reply, you sure seem to be making a habit of it yourself. If you lack the patience in waiting for a response whilst I complete my daily menial tasks of working and caring for my child, then do feel free to leave the thread.

To answer PPs questions, there are 3 DC involved. Ours and 2 SC.

Ages are 4, ours and 8 and 10 SC.

I am going to ask my mother to attend with me and our child in place of DH.

SC usually stay with us 3 nights a week. They are looking forward to the holiday which is why I think it should be DH who let's them down. He doesn't get to just take no responsibility for this shit.

I appreciate how hard self employed work is, from experience myself. But he could work around this, he'd tell you he can't but I know him, I know his work. He uses it as a shield and like we should all be ever so grateful he goes to work and does fuck all else with or for us.

I am going to ask my mother to attend with me and our child in place of DH.

Fair enough, and hopefully leave the step children with their Dad?

Is he still intent on not going @on103 knowing his dc will miss out? He doesn't give a crap does he

Another thread where the children get punished because of adults decisions. Children shouldn’t suffer to basically teach adult a lesson and hope you can see the cruelty in what you are suggesting. Deal with your husband separately to the children

Sounds like him bailing on the holiday and expecting you to take the DSC is typical behaviour and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back.

The children aren't being punished. Their father just has to cancel taking them on holiday because he isn't able to manage his work.

YANBU at all, your husband is an arse.

Of course it’s rotten for his kids to miss the holiday but that’s on him not you. He’s the reason they aren’t getting to go. Not you.

Go and have a lovely time with your child and mum and take the time to think about what you want from the relationship x

I totally agree with the sentiment but I couldn’t let the child down. They deserve better than a father who is happy to cancel their holiday for work and allow them to see their siblings still go. Not your fault, but I’d feel bad about it

Can't your MIL go so your SC don't miss out?

That's what it sounds like to me too. Go & have a lovely tine with your DC & your mum & leave him to it.

What a useless husband and shit dad your "D"H is.

Is this why his first marriage broke up?

They probably have a mum who actually parents them (unlike their dad) so they don’t miss out. I wouldn’t want my mil on holiday with me because my Dh was a selfish useless fucker. I wouldn’t want the ops Dh full stop though, I don’t accept not being an equal parent from my partner. If you don’t work op, time to start.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I’d be tempted to take his God complex and shove it up his arse. And shut the door after you’ve kicked him through it.

He is choosing to let his children down, all 3 of them, not for the first time.
The OP is rightly not taking responsibility for his children on a foreign holiday.
Hopefully this will be the push she needs to rethink her situation.
Sounds like another loser father who duped a naive woman to take on the care of HIS children and had another child with her just to tie her to him.
Lots of these stories on MN.
He's used her enough so he can carry on doing exactly as he pleases.
I hope she dumps him.
If you are being used for childcare by him, time to rethink things.

OP's DH can organise a holiday for himself and his children once he has dealt with this work emergency. That way his children will not miss out.

I disagree, they are being punished. Missing out on something the OP says they are looking forward to because their father’s self employment issues/management and therefore partners grievance, feels like punishment. I don’t believe the children would say ‘no problem, we understand’. Should she have to be in this position, well no of course, but would I do that to the children though? No.
some people may find it easy to do that to children but I couldn’t.

@Marmalade1987 I don't think you understand the meaning of the word "punished". It doesn't apply every time something undesirable happens in a child's life. If the parent in a single parent family can't take their child on holiday due to illness or any other situation they can't magic away that's not a punishment. A punishment is when something undesirable is deliberately chosen dor the child because of a decision the child made that they need to learn from.

These children are not being punished. Their parent (their dad) is chosing to work instead of taking them on holiday. That's his call as to whether his work is more important than the holiday his kids are looking forward to.
An adult unrelated to them (the OP) is declining the opportunity to step in and rescue the children from the consequences of having a shit dad. This is not something the OP is choosing to "do to them" - the choice and responsibility is their dad's.

If, hypothetically, you did take the DSC on this trip (I'm not suggesting you should, and I don't think you're unreasonable not to) - one question that did come up a bit in the comments but you don't mention here is, how would their mother feel about them going with just you, without their dad present? Would she be okay with it, or would she say no to it herself and take the decision out of your and your H's hands? As I said upthread, if I had been the SC in this situation and for whatever reason my dad was no longer going on the trip, even if Dad had suggested his wife still take me anyway, Mum would have stepped in and said no to that.

I won't say too much about your H as I can't tell from the thread whether it really is an emergency and he's got no other option but to stay home or whether he's just pissing about - but he should be the one to handle it with his own children.

I don't suppose they will be happy about it, I just don't agree it is them being punished.

If their father is absolutely unable to go on the planned holidays with them, it is just a consequence.

I'm quite curious, when the OP says "no", whether the father would really dump the holiday, or whether he will magically find the time in the end.

What, who the heck thinks adding the MIL to the mix is a smart move?

If I did not want to take two children who have a significant age gap from their half-sibling with me on holiday without their DF ... I sure as fuck don't want to take their DGM as well! Thats not improving things, thats almost certainly making it worse!

How good a holiday is anyone going to have if OP takes all three by herself? That sounds like a fucking nightmare and I'd be hugely surprised if the older kids DM is particularly happy about it.

Say no @on103 and whilst you're at it, I'd tell him that him hiding himself away at work is likely to be the of your relationship, a family takes more than simply putting money in the kitty!

Maybe she likes her MIL and she's helpful? I'm sure nice helpful ones exist contrary to belief on MN.

I do understand punishment.

if the op says - father saying he can’t go and I can’t possibly go away and manage alone with 3 children so he will have to tell them they can’t go - I’d agree it’s a consequence

buy op says - father saying he can’t go and I’m not letting him ‘duck away with’ responsibility, so his children can’t go. Which becomes vengeful rather than a natural consequence, therefor Moves from consequence to punishment

if OP comes back and says she wouldn’t manage is the reason then fair enough but she hasn’t, so she is choosing and ‘can magic away’ don’t make out that her hands are tied in this scenario.