'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

You forgot to mention the most important point. Women are often already doing a vast amount of things to 'assist their men' like childcare, looking after the house all while working and bringing in a wage. Is there a reason you missed this out?
Edited for terrible spelling.

I don't think it's a "young mum" thing. I'm in my late 50s and been married for 30 odd years and I have never done this kind of thing. Nor have most of my friends.
The first year we were married my MIL phoned me and berated me for forgetting her daughter's birthday. I told her I hadn't forgotten because in order for me to have forgotten the date I would first have had to know it, and that the person she needed to direct her ire at was her son. That was it, last conversation on the subject.
When my parents were alive if I was in a shop buying mother's or father's day cards anyway I would pick up a second one for DH but since mine are both dead now I don't go on a special journey to buy for my PILs. I married a grown up and he can take care of his own family responsibilities.
I have nothing against DH's family but they're his, not mine. In reality, if he died or left me I think it is massively unlikely I would keep in touch with any of them. DH speaks to his parents several times a week and his siblings a bit less often. He doesn't need me to facilitate their relationships - he can do that all by himself. It's ridiculous to blame women if their husbands can't be bothered with their own family.

This isn’t true though - this is all about the MIL/mother relationship.

my brothers are very close to my mother. They call her and they message her daily, and see her weekly. Sometimes their wives come along, sometimes they don’t.

my mother has created and nurtured this relationship with him. DH has a better relationship with her than with his own mother, who is difficult at best.

it is lazy to just blame the DIL for an issue. It’s either to do with the mother/son dynamic, or the MIL has been difficult and unpleasant. How many well raised and loving boys who love their mother would actually just marry a nightmare? Very few!

No one is saying that. They're saying that if a woman can buy her own mum and dad a birthday card why can't a man do the same with his own parents?

Yep it’s not your daughter in law’s job to update you on the children and arrange visits, it’s your son’s. My husband arranges things most of the time with his parents, rather than me. Sometimes my MIL emails me about birthday lists etc which is fine as it’s me that keeps track of that kind of thing. I like my in-laws but it’s not my job to keep in touch with them.
Tell your son that you’d like to hear from him more.

The MIL misses out because she and her son’s father raised a lazy man (or one who isn’t close to his parents) who won’t keep in contact with his family.

As you sow, so shall you reap.

I keep up with my side. My son keeps in touch with me. My brother keeps in touch with our parents.

I used to keep in touch with DH’s side until I realised how unvalued I was, and that PIL seemed to think it was my duty rather than a kindness. Now DH is in charge of contact. For the first 5 years at least there was bugger all but he got better eventually.

I adored my MIL but I still left it all to my DH. He did all the communicating and birthdays and Christmases etc because he’s a grown up and he cares about his family. And that’s why I married him!

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow PLEASE, read and absorb this post.

100% accurate @sprigatito totally agree with you 🌻

I'm a bit torn on this one because I don't think as a DIL it is your responsibility to ensure that your husband keeps in touch with his side of the family. We have our own families to keep up with, and they are grown adults who should be capable of putting effort into their family relationships.

That said, I go over and above with my MIL even when she displays very challenging behaviours because I respect her a lot for how she raised my husband, and she is a fantastic grandmother to our daughter.

It’s only fair it’s split 50/50 so the blokes sort their families out and the women sort their families out. I’m perplexed that women are expected to take in law communication on in addition, when they usually have their hands full.

I suggest you initiate more contact with your son so that he is more mindful of birthdays,

I’m so glad to read the responses here. I’ve always felt like a complete bitch for not doing the organising for DH’s side of the family. I’m not close to them so it wouldn’t be natural for me to text and arrange meeting up.

I organise to see/ book holidays with my family, buy and send cards and presents, invite to birthday parties etc. This morning I was making fathers day cards with dc for DH and my dad and asked if we should make for FIL but DH said he would sort something (he won’t).

I don't think you're being unreasonable. DH is good at keeping in touch with his parents but I also have a separate relationship with my PIL. I speak to them independently to DH, I wfh mostly so i do a lot of the admin bits like pick up FIL from the garage on MOT days (as he does for me) and we will ring each other for a chat and catch up. I am as likely to buy birthday or Xmas presents and cards as they are, I have no issue reminding him to do it too.
They are hugely involved with DD too, and help out with childcare. If I'm poorly they'll make us dinner and if they are away for the day I'll work from theirs to keep an eye on their dog.
I am also close to my own parents but they don't live close by - my relationship wouldn't change with PIL if they were though.
I am lucky though, I have really lovely PIL who I genuinely like.

It's insane that people still think like this. I'd never expect my husband to buy my mum a birthday card from me so why should I do the same for his mum?

Luckily my husband is a functioning adult so never expected me to but his mum did start sending me reminders of random people's birthdays after we got married but I just replied and told her that I'd let her son know and she soon stopped.

“ If I take it as read that DILs will not take on the responsibility of keeping in touch, what happens when sons can't be bothered? Do we grandmothers just have to suck it up and conclude, as someone said, it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?”

As others have said, no you don’t just suck it up. You talk directly to your son; say that you’d like to see him/the family more often; that he forgot your birthday so why doesn’t he treat you to a drink so you can catch up etc.

Both me and Dh were raised with the ‘women do the wife work’ model. When my kids were little I realised this was defaulting to me organising lots of the presents, cards, all the family socialising, ( especially at Christmas for some reason) and pointed this out to Dh. He recognised this was daft and took over his half of the organising. He is a capable grown up, and does a great job of managing his family relationships. I love my PIL and will pick up a suitable present if I happen to see one. Or suggest meet up if it’s been a while. But it’s not my responsibility. Which is why Dh is downstairs chatting to his dad on the phone and I’m not…

I was perfectly happy to remember birthdays and buy presents for my husband’s side of the family for several years. Then my MIL was unspeakably disrespectful for me and never apologized, so I told my husband that he was now in charge of anything related to his side of the family, and any relationship our kids had with them. I don’t remind him about anything, my MIL no longer gets texts and pictures about cute things the kids are doing, and she went from coming to our house maybe eight times a year to two times a year (kids’ birthday parties).

I always felt I was being judged over gifts; one year I worked hard on a homemade present, and my MIL badmouthed me behind my back because it wasn’t finished until two days after Christmas. If she has eyes and a brain, she’s noticed how much less attention she gets from our family now that I’m no longer responsible for keeping her updated.

I absolutely adore my in laws. If they get a heartfelt, thoughtful gift, it almost certainly came from me because DH has no creativity for his parents in that regard. If it’s a birthday and it’s going to be another chain restaurant voucher inside a generic card, that is son work. I interact with my ILs when I am inspired, but I don’t do the busywork. There is a difference.

Ah I see your position - so the woman’s
relationship with other people should be dictated and determined by the man. Interesting take.

I think it's down to your son re cards and presents why is it always the dil 🙄

I use to do it all and I stopped because the mil was never grateful so that was my situation.

I actually enjoy buying presents for other people so I didn't have a issue but in the end I thought why bother.

He could do what most people do and put it in a calendar on his phone it's not hard.

are you me?! We have exactly the same situation! Happy for you that you have also said “enough is enough“!

Honestly? Yes, if you gave him different messages and expectations while growing up about maintaining family relationships. Or you talk to him and tell him you feel hurt and left out that he never makes an effort. Why is it the DIL’s responsibility to intervene? I don’t care what kind of relationship my partner has with his parents to be quite honest. That’s for him to decide and maintain.

What if your son never got married? What if he’d married another bloke?

I take on ‘new’ gift giving duties, because it’s something I enjoy and am good at. So nieces, nephews, friends’ kids.

But by the time we got married, DH has been buying his parents birthday presents, mother’s/Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. independently for about 15 years. Why on earth would he suddenly stop?

But how are the poor men going to learn to take responsibility for communicating with their parents, if someone else is always doing it for them, @TheolderIgetthelessIknow?

As long as the DILs out there are being expected to pick up the slack for their husbands/partners, they will have no reason to get off their bottoms and nurture their own relationship with their parents.

And it is perfectly possible for them to learn this - my sons all communicate with us, and wouldn’t dream of leaving it to their other halves.

Well, no. The MIL should actually put the blame where it belongs.

And to be quite honest, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who blamed me for their son not keeping in touch anyway. Unreasonable behaviour, I can't be arsed with women who baby men.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow ‘knowing their men are useless’ there are no words. I told all of DH’s aunties to their faces that I wouldn’t be taking on wifework for him when we got married. I then had to explain wifework…

Luckily he has a good relationship with his mum and is an equal partner with regards to kids, housework etc - because he was never let off the hook just because he was a boy.