'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

No fault of your own?

You clearly have low standards for men and you believe women should pick up the slack for them. And it seems you’ve raised your son to think the same way. That’s your fault.

Your misogyny really is showing, and it’s hard to follow why you haven’t picked up on it despite all of these replies.

Are you all saying that you loathe half of your family?

Genuinely, would you assume a man who didn't buy his MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL a birthday present loathed them?

I love my MIL, I think she's great. My DH gets on with my parents. But he's the "main contact" for his family I guess, and I'm the main contact for mine. And we don't buy the presents for each others family because we don't know them as well. I don't know what my FIL would like, but would choose a better present for my own dad than DH would.
If DH expected me to buy presents for his family because he couldn't be arsed, I wouldn't have married him.

When I met dh I made a lot of effort with my mil and was met with at best bemusement and at worst nastiness. I kept trying then after about 10 years I thought why am i bothering. So I stopped ringing, left it to dh to do cards and pressies and to arrange visits.

And actually mil has improved , I genuinely think she didn't want to talk to me she wanted to talk to her son.

We see them less (every month or so rather than every couple weeks) but both mil and I are happier.

That's your son's fault not your DIL. Talk to him.

Do you call and message him? Do you call and message your DIL?

DH looks after his mum, she doesn’t like either of us but is marginally less rude to him.

DHs brother and sister moved away (wonder why) but she tolerates her daughter and idolises the other son.

I stayed in contact when FIL was alive, but she’s a hateful person.

She could have a lovely life but chooses to be a harridan instead.

This argument falls down really quickly when you realise it only goes one way. Nobody is up in arms about the nation's men "loathing" their in-laws because they don't unilaterally take responsibility for remembering their birthdays and buying them flowers on mothers' day. My DH loves my dad, but he wouldn't see it as his responsibility to send him a fathers' day card from me. Why is that, do you think?

I am so sorry you have such an uncaring son. Sounds like if he can’t be bothered to speak to his mum, he can’t be bothered to do a lot of things so you can’t blame his wife for not taking any shit anymore.

My husband has a great relationship with his parents, he sends cards, arranges get togethers, calls them regularly. My brother is the same with my parents.

I think if you have modelled the behaviour that the wife deals with all the family relationships, Christmas cards, birthdays etc., you can’t be surprised when your son does the same.

I wouldn't take on the responsibility of managing a partner's relationship with his family.

But I also wouldn't choose a partner that was so careless towards his mum (unless they had good reason to choose low/no contact).

I think you should stop blaming your DIL and let your son know how hurtful he's being by not making time for you.

I think it’s a bit harsh to say you should have brought your son up better.
I think differently is fairer.
We do better when we know better!
You’ve said that you took on responsibility for your in-laws. That’s what you modelled for your son. Whether you think he saw it or not, he will have absorbed at least some of that. You taught him that he doesn’t have to bother.
Well done to your DIL not getting sucked into doing things he doesn’t want to!

I would be open with him - tell him you’d like to see more of him and the kids, and you don’t expect her to make that happen. You’ve got nothing to lose if you don’t see them much anyway. People are busy, so don’t expect huge amounts of time… but maybe there’s an activity you could do regularly with the kids?

Fancy shifting the blame on to DIL rather than your own son

When I was a young mum (who worked full time and had the same responsibilities that young working mums have now), I knew that if I didn't do the communication thing with my in laws, it'd just fall apart.

Do we grandmothers just have to suck it up and conclude, as someone said, it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?

OP - these two statements of yours - the first shows why the second is sadly true.

You took on the mental load of being The One Who Does The Communicating. (because you think men can't do it! ) and - hey presto - that's what your son learned. From you. And now he doesn't do it.

Sorry, but it's dead simple. And it's a cycle we need to break.

But it's not by default a woman's responsibility to keep in touch with the grandparents! This is absurd! I have 3 brothers and they all contact my parents more than I do. I literally never contact my PILs. My DH chooses how much he wants his parents to be involved, it's absolutely nothing to do with me! Why would it be? Because I have a vagina?
Honestly, this seems to be an issue of your own making. You've set the bar very low for your son because of your sexism and now it's biting you. That's sad of course but it's all on him, not his wife!!

OP if my husband was like your son (which he isn't) and I liked my PILs (which I do) then I might throw a reminder at him now and again to contact/see/think of his side of the family and if he was still shit at it then I would foster and nurture my own relationship with them.
At the end of the day they are my childrens grandparents, they are the parents of the man I love and live with and by extension of that, part of our family.
I want my children to have a relationship with both sides of our family - aunts, uncles. cousins as well as their grandparents.
He sorts most of the present/card buying for his side as do I for mine, but occasionally we come together or even swap.
We both love spending time with extended family, sometimes he organises it (after running it by me) and sometimes I organise it (after running it by him.

If he didn't keep in touch with his Mum or Dad I know for a fact they would be so hurt - as you are - and as I'm really fond of them I would be doing it, not just for them or my children, but for me too.

My daughter and her partner live in the same house as me, so I cannot compare. And I don't have a son.
Or a grandchild.

But my daughter's partner always buys me a card for daughter's birthday as I'm largely housebound.
And I can compare this with my sister who has a son and daughter of adult age. Sisters son lives close by, they (sister and brother in law) care for their grandchildren on a regular basis. So they are very close to them. Their daughter lives further away, but sister and brother in law pay for the same amount of child care for their daughter and are the baby sitters of choice of niece and husband need one.

I've no idea who buys and sends cards and such to who, in their niece and nephew situation. But I do know that my nephews wife and my nieces husband realise the sacrifices my sister and brother in law make for them.

I disagree with the idea that the woman should shoulder the emotional load. I'd not let anyone go without an acknowledgement of any significant day for them.

I married my husband not his family!
He can get his mum, brother and SIL a present/card… it isn’t my job! I do the same for my family, don’t expect him to get my mum a present etc.
Why should your DIL keep in touch if your DS doesn’t?

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum - ''You've set the bar very low for your son because of your sexism and now it's biting you.''

This sums it up perfectly.

I think you should talk to your son and tell him you'd like him to make more of an effort to keep in touch.
While I agree that it isn't a dil's job to keep in contact on behalf of a lazy husband, I can't imagine not doing anything for in-laws.
In my family we are all on the family group chat, liking photos, wishing each other happy birthday etc - it doesn't have to be a big onerous task.
It comes down to whether people want to feel part of a bigger family group, where they are all connected or prefer separate family relationships where you don't feel in-laws are family at all. Not sure either is right or wrong but it is is nice to remember that even if you personally don't love your in-laws, they are still your children's family and worth making a bit of an effort for

Why would your husband forget his mum's birthday and you don't? Does your husband also send pics of your daughter or does he leave it to you?

Your son has learned this behaviour from you. You showed him that it's a woman's job to think of everyone. Thankfully, more women are waking up and realising they have enough on their plates with the menchildren alone, nevermind sorting out everything for his family.
So yeah, you either pull him up or suck it up.
Thank God attitudes like yours are vanishing.

I'm afraid that you reap what you sow - if your son can't be bothered to talk to you, it's really not on your DIL to add to her to-do list to do it for him - unless she considers herself your friend separately that is?

my ex-not-MIL (never married) I used to manage most of the comms with, even after the split, but then it turned out that she'd come to visit her son, but not popped in to see her grandchildren, so I stopped all that. She clearly didn't consider me a friend, so she can deal with all contact through her son (so very little) I feel sorry for my kids, but I'm not manufacturing a relationship where the other side clearly can't be bothered to have one. I have enough on my plate without doing the running for both sides on that too.

I think that is a drastic summation of my post and a pretty poor excuse for ruining what might be a pretty harmonious relationship.

You need to talk to your son about it tbh. Your DIL doesn’t really have to do anything about it and it wouldn’t be fair to put it on her. DIL’s only really do it if they cultivate a relationship separately from their DH with their MIL and they really like you.

My DH doesn’t sort out gifts/visits for my family so why would I for his?.

Again, the lazy men should be putting in the work to keep the relationship harmonious. If it gets ruined, it's on them.

I’m sorry that it’s harsh @TheolderIgetthelessIknow but you reap what you sow.

If you’d set higher standards for your son then he’d behave better. It has absolutely nothing to do with your DIL. I am raising my daughter to expect equality. I don’t run around after my MIL and won’t expect DD to either. Men will only behave better when society demands it of them.