'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

If she would sincerely apologize, I’d be happy to put this behind us. Right now I’ve agreed to come to family events at her house again (after a few years), but only because SFIL is dealing with cancer.

Husband: I’m glad you’re getting over the thing with my mom.

Me: I’m not over it. I just put it on the back burner. I still think she was horrifically rude and owes me an apology.

Still, she could apologize every day for a year and I’m still not going back to being in charge of communication and presents!

But this means that the MIL misses out on so much, through no fault of her own.

Or there is a reason that your son doesn't bother with you? I know there's a huge reason my dH has no time for his parents.

My brothers make a huge effort to include my mum and dad. It's not all sons !

That's nice, and you have a genuine friendship with them, so that's why you're happy to stay in touch. I contact my ex MIL and ex SILs because I love them and still see them as part of my family. But I never did while I was married to my ex because he did and it would r have been redundant for me to do so! I do now because I'm not married to him any more and we have relationships independent of the marriage.

My DP doesn't know the birthdays of his 4 nieces and nephews and it does make me feel guilty that his sisters get my daughter presents on her birthday and it's not reciprocated from our side. But also I have enough shit of my own to sort that I can't take his life admin on too. I've actually been asking him to text his mum to get their birthdays so he can put it on the calendar and at least get a card out of the collection I keep for emergencies and chuck £20 in but he can't even be arsed to do that so why should I keep pestering?

You could be me too. Mil could have apologised but instead again dug her heels in and insisted she never said the things multiple people overheard her say. Tough tits. Because now she doesn’t see DH or her dgd anymore.

This old fashioned perception that a DIL 'joins' her DH's family is the problem. A DIL and your precious DS make their own family and therefore you shouldn't see a starring role for yourself in that mee family. If you raise your DS to be kind and they had a DF who demonstrated kindness and consideration then they'll follow suit. You reap what you sow and you have to stop whinging when your DS starts to disappoint you.

Completely agree with this.
Why on earth should the women 'be in charge' of this? Why?

And yes you as grandmother lose out, perhaps talk to your son about this?

Aside from anything else OP, would you actually want a duty Mother’s Day card, birthday present etc sent by your DIL with no input from your son whatsoever?

I’d be pretty upset if, in 30 years, DS can’t be fucked remembering and celebrating my birthday and I just get a card in the post sent out of social obligation from his current partner. DS is my son, I would get absolutely no pleasure from a card sent by somebody else because he didn’t care enough to bother and his girlfriend felt sorry for me.

This is a fantastic point I had never even thought of

Well did your son grow up with the example that all family interactions are instigated and nurtured by you while your DH was allowed to get away with being useless at that sort of thing while you took on all responsibility for it? If so, you do have yourself to blame.

I don't think your DD and DILs take on this is just generational. DH and I are in our 60s. He has always taken responsibility for birthdays and Christmas for his side, though sometimes we discuss what to get and pool ideas.

I find it depressing that women who are presumably a similar age to me, have brought their sons up to expect a woman to run round after them and look after them. I hope to goodness my adult DD will not put up with any of this shit when she gets a partner. Hopefully having grown up with a Dad who doesn't expect this himself she will set higher standards

I’m very close to MIL so I keep her updated if needed but my husband is pretty good at remembering birthdays etc and we see his family (and mine) pretty much weekly. However, if we weren’t close and my husband didn’t actively make an effort why would I? I’m not saying there is but have you considered there are other reasons other than your son is a man and they’re all rubbish at this?

Well I'm over 60 and I don't buy gifts for DH's siblings for their birthday. He had his own home before I met him and managed to buy cards and gifts then - I don't think getting married causes a black hole in the 'remember your sisters birthdays' part of his brain!

@NerrSnerr he would never forget her birthday but he would forget a card or leave it to the last minute .

i am the sort of person who will go to a card shop and buy cards for the next 6 months 🤦🏻‍♀️

yes he does also sends pics and sees his parents most weeks, mostly without me as we work opposite shifts for childcare

I think it's a bit harsh to say it's a parent's fault if adult dc don't make an effort to keep in touch. This doesn't account for their own personalities.
You can raise 2 kids the same way and still have different outcomes.

I feel for you but it’s really not ok to put this on your DIL. If your son can’t be bothered why should she pick up the slack? If you don’t want to miss out - then you pick up the slack. You arrange calls. You ask for his phone and put in a weekly reminder to call his mother (this may be a bit passive aggressive but if it were my brother it would be as simple as he needed a reminder) - make your displeasure/disappointment known - politely - but to him not your DIL.

Why are you condemning the women for not taking on the gift giving/communication with their husband's family but giving the men a free pass to be useless?

But the OP is clear that she blames her DIL. Perhaps that’s the attitude where the Dil cba with her? It would be better to just feel disappointed in her son and talk to him about him making more of an effort

And from his father who could have role modelled better

I'd look at it this way... if your sonny's that inept woth you, thank god you don't have children with him. Perhaps seek out your daughter in law and offer as much support as you can because believe me, of he can't be arsed with you, he probably isn't a spectacularly useful husband or father. Not fair to expect or hope DIL does even more to pick-up his slack.

Sure OP, lets add more things to women and mothers ever growing lists of things to do and worry about.

Communication works both ways.

Oh my god OP the internalise misogyny here REEKS.

Why in god’s name are you laying the failing of your son on your DIL?

Beggars belief.

Why is it DIL’s job though? Raise it with your DS.

This

I do not understand why you don't expect men to maintain relationships with their own family. I honestly don't. I'm pretty old-fashioned in many ways so I'm not coming at this from any particularly feminist perspective. It just honestly staggers me that you think it's acceptable for a son, a brother, a grandson, to not bother remembering birthdays and special occasions. What about single men - do you expect them not to bother at all, since there is no wife to remind them?

I'm not sure I'd be thrilled to raise a son to adulthood and then get birthday cards in his wife's handwriting and presents chosen by his wife. Better than nothing, by far, but that's a pretty low bar.

And if my husband couldn't be trusted to remember his own family's birthdays, I'd be pretty turned off. I don't want to live in a world of infantilised men.