'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

But the children shouldn’t have attachments to people like this because the parents should have kept them away!

🙄 and the person has said their children don’t see that side of their grandparents, so there’s no need to worry.

Also, what if the wife also has trouble with life admin etc. (which is the case for me)? The fact is, for a lot of people in this thread, if men drop the ball on communicating with THEIR OWN parents, their wife gets the blame for not picking up his slack.

But I would bet £500 that hardly any MIL’s sit slagging off their son-in-law to all their friends because her daughter hasn’t called for 2 weeks and he, the SIL, hasn’t picked up the phone in her stead.

All due respect to you @TheolderIgetthelessIknow , but the issue that you have isn't with your DiL, it's with your Son.
Your son doesn't engage with you or your DH to any great degree any more as he has a wife now of his own and possibly his own children. It is not your DiL's job to maintain contact with her in-laws (i.e. you and your DH) if your son even isn't doing that.

Time to have a heart to heart conversation with your SON and leave your DiL out of the conversation (or get her involved and show that you do want to be involved in their lives but know when to back off and don't trample all over their boundaries) but you do need to have a conversation.

Just because someone in this relationship is a woman does not mean that all of the family related work falls to her. Unless having a male appendage stops him from lifting the phone and dialling, or texting, I can't see why the DiL is getting so much heat from you here.

No, that’s not what they’ve said at all.

But I would bet £500 that hardly any MIL’s sit slagging off their son-in-law to all their friends because her daughterhasn’t called for 2 weeks andhe, the SIL, hasn’t picked up the phone in her stead.

Funny, isn't it. Sons in law are not called selfish twats, entitled and lazy, root of family estrangement, blamed for deliberately letting relationships suffer and so on, if they do not take over facilitating their wife's relationship with wife's parents and relatives. 'Well of course I will remind my wife when her mother's birthday is.."

If someone buys me a £120 present for my birthday I really wouldn't think it was too much of an effort to sign a birthday card to them.

This thread has made me think, I've always treated them all equally so the budget is the same for my own children, their partners and GC. Maybe if DIL can't have enough manners to even say thank you for a present I just shouldn't bother, spend £240 on her husband and nothing for her. I bet I'd get slagged off on MN for that although thinking about it I know the other MIL doesn't spend the same on my son as she spends on her DD. Maybe I'm just not being fair to my own.

Actually my SIL is really thoughtful, he doesn't need to remind my DD of my birthday but he certainly is considerate and appreciative of anything I do for them. I certainly have no need to slag him off for his actions quite independently of my DD.

To be honest people are just a bit selfish nowadays. Yes the son should be taking the responsibility for his side of the family, but if he doesn't is it not just common courtesy for the DIL to include the PIL in communications re children etc. I consider it just part of the general household management that goes on. Too often now other people are left out or even hurt because someone is making a point about what the roles should be. In 30 years will anyone care, not likely, but the grandchildren will know that they never saw one side of the family.

What if you work away and you aren't around, would your husband just ignore it? One of my sons is away with his work and I think it isn't much for DIL to send a text to say, "present for Mary's birthday has arrived safely."

Funnily enough my sons and their wives thinks no one has an issue with it because I don't let them know how rude I think they are.

Yes the son should be taking the responsibility for his side of the family, but if he doesn't is it not just common courtesy for the DIL to include the PIL in communications re children etc.

Would it also be considered just common courtesy for a son in law to include his PIL in communications re children, if the daughter herself does not take responsibility for her side of the family? I would rather claim this is not an expectation that is put on men.

What if you work away and you aren't around, would your husband just ignore it? One of my sons is away with his work and I think it isn't much for DIL to send a text to say, "present for Mary's birthday has arrived safely."

fair enough, if the other parent is actually not present and not capable of communicating, and PILs wonder if present has arrived, I don't think it's too much to ask to confirm the arrival. In our case, I think it would be still more likely that DH tells me and I will let my parents know, but we have not been uncontactable for a longer period of time yet, so guess that would be a different situation.

I did most of the family admin/wife work when the dses were kids, because I was, as I said earlier, a SAHM, and dh was working long hours and commuting to London, so it made sense for me to do these things.

But dh has always made the effort to stay in touch with his side of the family - during the first lockdown, he started writing a weekly letter to his dad, because he knew his dad would be alone in his flat, with very little human contact, and he loves getting letters. It's become a habit now - and frankly, that is more effort than I used to put into staying in touch with my mum (complicated family relationships, and we weren't close).

I think that responsibilities within a family should be divided by the amount of time each person has available, and people's skills. I am much better than dh at thinking up presents for people - partly because I have done so much more of it, but also partly because I am more of a people person than he is. But he is really good at planning and logistics, and so he is the one that will plan big family events where we all congregate somewhere for a get-together, including all the complicated planning that goes into getting my elderly FIL there by public transport, with all the assistance he needs. Recently his brother got married, which meant us driving down from Glasgow, ds3 and his girlfriend flying down from Edinburgh, FIL getting the train up from Cornwall - all the travel arrangements and hotel bookings. He is brilliant at that - it fries my brain.

I’m not a young mum but no way will I continue to be the contact go between for my husband’s side. I’ve done it for 30 years but no more. They have to make the same effort

I think that is perfectly reasonable, @NewNan21. I don't mind doing my share of the communication with dh's side of the family because they have always made the effort to stay in touch with me as well as dh.

I am very glad my lovely DIL stays in contact with us - she is always sending us pictures and videos of our granddaughter, and we are in touch a lot - but I value the contact with her because I love her, not just because I want to know how ds1 and my granddaughter are doing - it has to be mutual, otherwise it is just another chore being put on one person.

If my ILs ever bought me a present I would of course thank them myself, just as I would expect DH to thank them for anything they gave him and indeed the children to do their own thank yous once they were old enough. That is just good manners. But I don't think my MIL buying me a Christmas present obligates me to be the prime mover in maintaining the relationship between her and her son/grandchildren. Actually I have never had to as I married a fully functional adult in 1992 and I made it clear from the outset that I wasn't going to become his PA or social secretary. He's just as capable of picking up the telephone and putting reminders in his calendar as I am. Well, he's better at it in fact.
It's nothing to do with being rude to the extended family, cutting grandparents out of their grandchildren's lives or anything like that and everything to do with recognising that those grandchildren have two parents with equal responsibility for them. Being female does not necessarily make you better at social niceties or require you to be the default parent at all times. If an adult child is failing to maintain communication or excluding their parent then that is on them not their partner, whatever sex they are. * *

I totally agree if you buy someone a present, they should say thank you. Absolutely.

I just meant if you’re getting thank you cards for joint gifts it’s pretty acceptable for one person to just sign for both. I don’t know anyone who signs cards individually

But that’s on you! Why on earth wouldn’t you just tell them it’s rude?! Clearly they don’t think it is. He’s your son are you just not a parent anymore? He is not to old to learn about basic manners

I mean a card for my birthday not a thank you card. I never do joint gifts, my SIL and DsIL always get their own present.

Maybe it is old fashioned, I was brought up that it wasn't appropriate to sign for someone else.

My sons aren't rude, they always phone/visit/buy appropriate presents/thank me for their gifts. It isn't my job to teach grown women about good manners, maybe their parents should have done that 30 years ago.

Just to be clear it isn't all of them, one will always thank me, one generally does and that's fine she's busy and I know it isn't personal, one doesn't. SIL and one or two DIL being great is a blessing. I guess out of 4 it probably isn't amazing if you are on a different wavelength to one of them. It must be hard if you have an only child and their partner is like this, you'd be left with "is it me or is it them" which is much clearer in my case.

Maybe it is old fashioned, I was brought up that it wasn't appropriate to sign for someone else.

But isn't that exactly what the OP and her ilk are arguing for? That it's the vagina-havers' role to sign / write thank-you notes / arrange social calendars etc. for penis-havers?

I think people just sign for their spouse now, honestly. I agree when I was growing up more people seemed to sign individually but cards have fallen out of favour and tbh if I had to wait for my husband to sign cards they would never get sent!

I think you need to either just say you’re disappointed by lack of thank yous, or just stop buying her stuff. There’s no point buying it if it’s upsetting you

I'm entitled to my view, I said I think the OPs son should be responsible for his relationship with his parents and by the same token DIL should be responsible for her relationship with them.

When I’m writing cards for my family I just put dh’s name in it. Wouldn’t cross my mind to pass him the card tbh. He does the same for his side.

To mum and dad

hope you have a great day

love from

Ohmy and Ohgosh

That’s as far as card writing goes. No essays or such.

presents are thanked verbally as handed over. We don’t write thank you cards.

The card in itself isn't a big issue, it is just part of a bigger picture. Truthfully it doesn't upset me, I have 4 kids who are great and the majority of the partners are, even my exDIL stays in touch. This thread just made me think about it and wonder why do I bother? I mean should I treat her equally or just think if she isn't bothered why am I? Not helped by not really enjoying present shopping and wondering if it is all a bit pointless, they have enough money to buy what they want so it isn't like when I was a kid in the 50s when rationing finished and being thrilled with just about anything. I could treat myself to something quite nice with £3,500 a year.