'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Cards, flowers and messages are a sign that you care or are thinking of them. Especially as people get older, to not receive cards from people can make people feel forgotten. Older generations value these things much more than younger ones which is why we need to remember to send them. Not for us but as a courtesy and kindness. It goes a long way and brings a great deal of joy and validation to many.

I expect my adult sons to keep in touch with me and fortunately they do. I think your son should do the same but I do have a but.

Do these DILs take presents and help from PIL? I have 4 kids, they all have a partner, I also have 8 GC. So 16 birthday presents and 16 Christmas presents. My budget is between £100 and £120 x 16 times a year, let's say I spend £3,500 a year plus special events, weddings, new babies etc. The budget is the same for son/daughter/their partners/grandchildren. Is it unreasonable to expect ILs to have some manners? I frequently don't hear from some DsIL, they don't buy me anything and frequently I don't hear from GC. The same DsIL don't acknowledge presents for children to young to do it themselves e.g. Can I buy a new £1k pram for new GC? Son will come back and say DIL is sending details, son will then thank me but nothing from her. Funnily enough son in law is very appreciative.

So I'd say it isn't DIL's job to keep in touch for her husband/partner but she is responsible for her own response/lack of response.

This sums up what I was trying to say so much better and shorter. I hope your ILs appreciate what a lovely DIL they have.

you are being selfish twats for ignoring your children's grandparents.
I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids

I wonder how many husbands here are called selfish twats because they are not in daily contact with wife's parents, and they don't remind the wife that it's her own mother's birthday and maybe she should buy her mother a gift.
No wait, women are just not good at that kind of thing. He should just get the gift for her mother and sign the card from both of them.
After all, her mother has maybe done some childcare for his children, and may have contributed to his wedding, right?

The same DsIL don't acknowledge presents for children to young to do it themselves - if your sons acknowledged the presents, surely that's enough and both parents don't need to thank the same person separately?

Why on earth do
you want people like this in your children’s lives?

I don’t think the onus should be on women to be responsible for this, or make the assumption that all men wouldn’t make any effort.

Both your DC seem to not make an effort with their in-laws, I don’t know how much influence you can have over that now, but you could have a conversation about where they are coming from, which isn’t based in your initial assumptions.

You continue to make an effort, that might be all you can do really.

Why on earth do you want people like this in your children’s lives?

It’s honestly baffling.

You should have raised your son better.

More wife work for, and judgement of mothers of sons. At what point can adult children take responsibility for their relationships and remember birthdays, visit folks themselves?

Because it feels right for them to know their family. My partner also wants to have contact with them even if they are awful they still feel a connection and want to keep that going even if its not often.

Thing is, you're taking it all really personally. Read between the lines and what people are upset about is the expectation of women to carry this mental load for two families/sets of grandparents and for it to be not important whether men do it or not for one family.

They're not angry at you as an individual. It's just that by starting this post, you are implying women should be doing the work - is it really surprising people bristled at that?

I get it's not nice to have loads of people disagreeing with you, but the only way we can have any sort of equality in the future (we clearly don't have it now), is by being able to debate and challenge these things.

I took on all the life asmin for my ex H. He didn’t even know when his parents birthdays were!! I was lucky to get a card off him for birthday and Christmas and used to say ‘do you need to go and get any cards?’ When we passed the card shop…. He’d say “is it your birthday this month??”
I used to go in and get cards for my family and friends and just pick up for his at the same tiime… used to pi55 me off though because I pretty much wrote and posted them too!! But to me they were my DD’s grandparents so I did it! I used to also send pictures to my MIL regularly via WhatsApp. (My ex H’s family have never met my DD by the way because my ex couldn’t be bothered to travel 5 hours to see them - DD is now a teenager!!).. I did offer when she was 7 to travel up there with her when DH was working away just so she could meet his family and MIL was rather rude about meeting her without her son being present… so that was that and she’s never met her fathers family!….
We split 2 years ago and I STILL buy and send cards from DD, to PIL’s and aunts and uncles on my ex’s side from DD, she writes them now and puts my name in them too…. Last birthday and Christmas I didn’t get anything back from any of them! So I do feel all the years I’ve bought and sent cards have gone completely unacknowledged and unappreciated because now we’ve separated (amicably) his family have completely disregarded me!…. They send a card to DD though, but obv can’t be bothered to throw a cheap one from a multipack in the same envelope for me!!
For the past 2 Christmases I’ve still spent time and money doing photo calendars of DD for both his parents (they’re separated) and keep in touch with Dad….(because despite now living 5 minutes from his dad he hasn’t visited him or sent cards in 2 years!) So I do from me and DD …
In fact I’ve sent a fathers Day card this year from us both to my FIL (both being me and DD).
I do think at some point though I’ll stop sending to all the others, but I will still feel obliged to buy and send cards to them from DD. Most of my friends don’t bother with their ex’s family at all, but I suppose I’m a bit soft and just see it as ‘they’re still DD’s family!…
I find it sad too that just because me and exDH have split, I’m suddenly nothing to them…. Surely they realise it was be doing all the buying and sending of cards for the past almost 20 years!!

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos
I never said i wanted more contact. I have lots of contact you are making an issue out of something i did not say.

It isn't just that though, you've picked one bit but ignored the fact they don't thank me for their presents, don't buy me a present, don't even sign a bloody birthday card that son has bought, choose a £1k pram (I honestly don't think son could care less about which pram it is) get son to forward the details and still never even acknowledge it. But yes ignore that.

Is anyone suggesting a DIL should be in daily contact with her husband's parents. I must have missed that one.

I think if you have a relationship with DIL eg you actually see her face to face, of course she should also say thank you for some of this. But there is probably also an assumption that DS is thanking you on her behalf! DH doesn’t thank my family when they buy stuff for the children - I do. I’m thanking on everyone’s behalf. Gifts specifically for her require thanks, as does the buggy (not sure you can blame her for the cost of the buggy, people are going to get the best one/one they want if possible).

Does she need to sign the card or does he write it from all of them? I write cards from
all of us - DH doesn’t come out to sign it

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow if you think the relationship with your DIL is dysfunctional, you are allowed to take steps to change it. Is she even aware you are disappointed that you two aren’t close? Have you told her? Depending on her background/upbringing the sort of relationship you would like may be totally alien to her and therefore she wouldn’t even think to pursue it.
As said way upthread, my MIL and I operate at an amicable distance but if she ever reached out and said she wanted to see more of me, I’d be getting dates in the diary. As it currently stands I’ve always been aware that I’m welcome because I’m her son’s wife and the mother of her grandchild but there’s nothing she particularly values about seeing/spending time with me.
You’ve had a rough ride on this thread and it would bruise most people but please think about being more proactive in developing your relationship with your DIL or, be really honest that she’s a “nice to have” but it’s your son and GC you really want to have time with and take it up with him.

Is anyone suggesting a DIL should be in daily contact with her husband's parents. I must have missed that one.

Right, that was the most important point of my comment. Replace 'daily' with 'regular' if you wish. Or 'any'. Are men called twats if they are not calling, updating, sending cards etc to their in-laws? Never seen it. Never seen a single complaint that daughter's husband has not separately thanked wife's parents for gifts to DC either.

I don't think DH has ever called my parents to thank them for gifts they sent to our children. Oddly, nobody seems to have an issue with that.

That’s very easy to say when it’s not people you love. I have since learnt that my grandad was an alcoholic and had a difficult relationship with his children, but we grandchildren, never saw that side of him, and I am glad we got a chance to get to spend time with him.

But they are in laws - so not people the poster loves. They sound horrendous.

Still the children’s grandparents

So what? Grandparents can be terrible people too

"They do things for me and I think it's basic human decency to offer them respect and acknowledgement in return."

So, in the event that in laws don't provide all the help that you received from yours, and as I've posted before 2 birthday cards in 3 decades, do I still need to be the one to facilitate the relationship?