'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

My ex MIL called me 2 days after we'd got back from honeymoon to berate me because "my friends haven't had thank you cards for the gifts they gave you".
I pointed out that we went away the day after the wedding so hadn't yet had time and went on to say that I would be doing thank you cards for my side but her friends were her son's responsibility. Apparently that's "a funny way to run a marriage".

It's not antipathy, it's overload. I love my MIL to bits, but I can't do an Executive career as the breadwinner whilst doing all the "women work". It's overwhelming.

The part where the husband looks after comms with his side of the family is the only clearly identifiable bit of women work that you can delegate successfully to the man.

It is really sad for mums if he doesn't step up. But its not the DIL fault. It's his.

Whenever I talk to my son about coming over, meeting up, etc he always says he has to run it past his wife first. Inevitably, if I hear back at all, they are busy doing something else.

What a lot of lovely comments. Whatever happened to the idea of family? I have three sons, shall I stop sending their wives/ partners birthday and Christmas presents? This is such a mean spirited response to the OP. Does it ever occur to people on here, that, one day, they will be that MiL who can do nothing right or doesn't receive a birthday card/ update on the grand kids unless their son has written it?

Have you pissed your DIL
off or something?

Oh dh does this to me for all events not just his mum. His looking for an excuse mostly or at least to give a we can but only til X time as we have plans.

Yes. I have 3 sons and I am sure that, like my brothers are with my mother, they will be close with me and if they don’t get me a birthday gift or a card, I will address it with them accordingly! Same with time
with grandchildren.

Perhaps they plan to teach their sons to look at women as their equals rather than as their unpaid secretaries, and so they don't anticipate needing to rely on their DILs for birthday cards and updates on the grandchildren?

doesn't receive a birthday card/ update on the grand kids unless their son has written it?

I would be quite disappointed if my own son couldn't be arsed to send me a birthday card and delegated it to his partner.

Men are very capable of maintaining relationships with "the boys". It's not their wife's job to remember those birthdays. They're great at that.

So they have the skills. They can transfer them to their family. As they most likely did before they had a wife.

Women don't have a gene that means they remember birthdays better. They aren't biologically more capable of buying gifts or posting things. They just effing do it, which men are also able to do.

Why is gift/card buying solely down to your DILs though? Why isn't there the expectation that your son remembers to get you something to show he appreciates you? As he is also part of the family. Men are part of it you know, not just the women.

Would you expect a son in law to be the one buying your gifts? Or is it your daughter?

good question. The ones complaining that rude DILs make no effort - how much of an effort do your sons in law make? Constant updates, calls and cards? No?

Because he doesn't bother to remember anything. Not just your things. But also all the family admin. I bet it's on a calendar and he just doesn't look at it.

This! What’s the point in receiving a card and a gift from the DIL?

Thank you. This is the most caring and reasoned response of every one I've just forced myself to read. I actually couldn't go on reading last night. I was appaled to be referred to as misogynistic, a crap parent, entitled and old-fashioned to name just a few of the insults. I know never to venture here again. Thank you all though, you young, busy, exhausted working mums (which I was myself once) for helping me to see that there are many dysfunctional relationships between MILs and DILs and, as one poster put it, I should just suck it up because I'm just reaping what I've sown. 'Please be respectful'- that's a laugh.

That's not what I said. I have three sons. I regard their wives/partners as equals. I buy them gifts. Heck I even like them. I simply don’t get all the resentment on here about who buys what. And my sons do send me cards. I'm beginning to find Mumsnet very sour, I guess it's time for me to go

But you sound like someone who has a good relationship with your DILs. OP doesn’t - that’s the difference. I’m at home and DH works long hours so I’m very happy to pick up the slack, but only to people who are actually nice. MIL is not. Therefore I’ve stopped doing all the wife work for her that I used to do. And tbh if I was also working I probably wouldn’t either; just because I don’t think that’s fair.

Does it ever occur to people on here, that, one day, they will be that MiL who can do nothing right or doesn't receive a birthday card/ update on the grand kids unless their son has written it?

But I have a son! Why would anyone except him be writing my birthday cards? It is baffling to me that you think writing a birthday card is something incredibly difficult that you couldn’t possibly expect your own son to do.

I don’t get a Mother’s Day card now “unless my son has written it” and despite only being 7 he seems to cope fine with this onerous task.

No because I haven't raised my boys to assume certain tasks are women's work. At 10 and 16 amazingly they can buy presents, they can remember their aunts birthdays etc.

For the love of all that is good why on earth is it always women's responsibility 😭 😡.

Today’s mothers are trying to ‘bridge the gaps’ and make everything fairer within the family. So many family related tasks and responsibilities just fall onto the shoulders of the mother to do and it simply isn’t fair. Saying that men are just incapable of doing certain things, or just don’t remember, is fuelling the problem and enabling them to get away with it. Weaponised incompetence. I struggle with it in my own relationship and it’s actually making me question whether I can stay in it!! I am not responsible for involving my partner’s family in things, or my own for that matter. If people want to be in the loop and invited to things etc, they need to make effort too and show up, be present. There are also issues with my in laws where they have betrayed my trust, among other things, so I am absolutely not bending over backwards to do anything for them. Ultimately I’m trying to say, men need to take responsibility for things too and I think one of those things should/could be, communicating with their own families.

Yeah, my kids know it is their responsibility too. And when it comes to my birthday or Christmas, their dad is the one who takes them to get me something. They don't just do nothing then get their name added to a card.

If my son when older cnba to send me a card and gift a text is enough.

I actually plan ahaha maybe. To be the type of parent that texts once a fortnight inviting everyone to say pizza evening “ Hey ordering in pizzas tonight let me know if you can come and any requests, bring your partner/friend”

“making fudge tarts today out in your orders to collect tomorrow”

nice easy chilled invites. Not strict sit down Sunday meals or whatever. Just some kind of get together meals. Mix it up pizza/Chinese/bbq doors always open but reminder of those doors being open. Stuff I know they like which still might be me doing womens work but it’s work I’m willing and open to do. Plus I love baking and take away 😂😂

@OhmygodDont I totally agree with your second paragraph!

The resentment is that the OP is upset that the DIL doesn’t do all the gift shopping and facilitate the relationship. She’s not upset with her son for not doing anything and she’s concerned her daughter doesn’t do anything for her PIL.

I love my PIL, I will write in the cards my husband chooses (we do joint ones), I’ll sometimes make a suggestion on the presents. I’ll send photos in the WhatsApp chat. It’s not about resenting who buys what. It’s the expectation that the woman does everything for the husband when it’s not her family. Should she be buying cards and present for his friends, his children, his wife?! I joke, but I do know of a couple (friends of my parents) where the wife buys (and wraps) her own birthday and Christmas presents.

Your relationship sounds great with your DILs, as is mine with my PILs. I doubt you would want it to be only left up to women to do all the cards/texts/meeting up as the OP is. My PIL wouldn’t expect that either, I wouldn’t expect it from my son.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow do you contact Dil/send her cards or presents/bunch of flowers or do you expect her to do all the running in the relationship?

I did send mil mother's day cards and organise birthday card etc early in our relationship, but she I think twice in 30 years has sent a birthday card to me. If she can't be bothered why should I?