'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

I feel sorry for the OP. Loads of people have put the boot in and said it's her own fault - she's raised her son badly. Sometimes you can do everything right and your kids can still grow up to be thoughtless/lazy. To blame the OP and how she raised her kids, takes no account of their own characters.

I think she views her dil as part of her family and would just like it if one of them made a bit of effort. She isn't seeing her dil as nothing to do with her really, which is how dil is viewing the OP.

Honestly? I think if your DIL is in her 30's, it's just the way that selfish generation are. Had my fair share of experience of this recently, and it's definitely a 'thing' No manners, no consideration for others, very selfish and look after their own needs above others. 'Not my mother, not my problem'

I'm in my 50's. I absolutely would have a relationship with you and consider it a pleasure. Your son is obviously lazy but the fact remains, your DIL can't be bothered to ensure a relationship for the childrens sake (if not for her own)

And for those saying, it's the man's fault. Not disagreeing, but by allowing him to forget all of the time you're enabling it frankly.

Just another way women are to blame for shitty men and another way for mils to bitch About their dils.

Funny that ops raised two children who think the mens side don’t matter.

Now I’ll still pick up presents and cards if I remember for dh’s side, but doesn’t mean they make it to his family. They are his not mine. I don’t and nor does my mother expect him to by buying and writing cards for my my side.

All these poor ikkle men who can’t send a text or write a card, the mind boggles how more men than women run entire companies and countries. Remember the footy fixtures, text a mate for a pub meet up and arrange whole stags abroad.

Stop babying boys and men their entire lives.

If your son doesn’t care that’s not his girlfriends or wife’s fault. Also how does that work for gay men? As mils would the son in law then be to blame or is that a free pass 😂😂

It's not like I've tried to remember MIL and FIL's birthdays, it's just that I do remember them as they are close to my own parents birthdays.

Of course it's not my job, but seeing as I talk to my DH, "My dad's birthday is on the 16th, isn't your mum's the 10th? Shall I buy her a card tomorrow when I get my dad's?" is a pretty normal thing to say, I think.

From there, I leave it in DH's hands.🤷🏼‍♀️

And you don't think it has anything to do with you and your son's father letting him grow up to be so uncaring and thoughtless? Instead , it's your DIL's fault? 🤔

Does he ever do the same and offer to buy for your parents?

And for those saying, it's the man's fault. Not disagreeing, but by allowing him to forget all of the time you're enabling it frankly.

😂 tell that to his mother then, not his wife 😄 if we have to blame women, let’s at least blame the one that had a hand in raising him eh??

No, thought not.

@brightyellowflower That selfish generation? Care to elaborate??

Just wondering why I should maintain my husbands relationship with his own mother on his behalf??

Is it selfish that I do everything for everyone else while working FT and raising kids and building my career and family.... but refuse to pander to two adults who are equally capable of remaining in contact which has nothing to do with me?

Think your post smacks of ignorance of "your generation". I could say - you're in your 50s, probably had an easy part time pocket money job whilst your kids were growing up. Loads of time to climb into your darling mother in laws lap.

stop believing nonsense about men that paints them all as a homogenous, incapable group. They're not, but they're enabled and sometimes even encouraged to be, by ridiculous brush-offs like this. If you brought up your son instilling the message in him that men are "a bit shit" at socialising (and let me guess, housework and parenting too?) then it's no wonder you think that's how he'll turn out.

My partner doesn't fit this stereotype – he arranges regular calls with his parents and visits them. But if he didn't, I don't think I'd notice tbh, they're perfectly nice people but it wouldn't occur to me to remind him.

Of course it's not my job, but seeing as I talk to my DH, "My dad's birthday is on the 16th, isn't your mum's the 10th? Shall I buy her a card tomorrow when I get my dad's?" is a pretty normal thing to say, I think.

Yes. I just wonder how many husbands would say 'Hey, my mum's birthday is on 10th, isn't your dad's on 16th, shall I buy him a card?'. There must be some like that, but certainly not enough to be considered the norm.

So the question for me is that if they can successfully remember work deadlines or football game schedules, are men really by nature unable to remember birthdays? Or have they been raised looking at mothers doing all the wifework, reminding and organising, and fathers just receiving praise for the thoughtful presents mum bought?

there's nothing wrong with being selfish and putting your own needs above others, though. Try it sometime you might enjoy it!

I have one DIL and she is wonderful. She does send us a lot of pictures of our granddaughter, and we are so grateful for that - but we wouldn't dream of expecting it to be all her responsibility - and ds1 is good at communicating with us too, so it is fairly equal in terms of effort. I make sure that my lovely DIL knows how much we appreciate all she does, and I am sure that, if she were feeling put-upon, ds1 would tell us - he is really good at advocating for her and being on her side.

I have to say that, in our family, I have taken the majority of the burden of communicating with dh's side of the family - emails, phone calls, birthday and Christmas cards and presents etc - but that is because I have been a SAHM since ds3 was born, and dh has always worked long hours, so it was reasonable for me to take on that job. Crucially, I never felt that dh was expecting me to do it all, or taking it for granted, and now he is semi-retired, he does a lot more of that side of things (in fact, he does an awful lot now, because I have long covid and can't do much at all so he does all the laundry, ironing, cooking on top of working part time) - and now he has (finally) embraced social media - only WhatsApp, but it is a start - he uses that to keep in touch with family.

“it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?” Yes I would have to say this is the only point that matters. But not just your fault… its 50% your sons other parent as well. Its pure misogyny to put that blame 100% on you.

It literally never occurred to me that I should keep up relationships with DH's parents. However, I grew up in a family where my mother led the interactions with her mother and sister (and wider family - there were a lot of them) and my father led the interactions with his mother and sister.

Luckily, DH's parents reach out to their son, and on occasion he gets in touch with them. There is definitely a lower level of interaction there, then me with my family. He almost never gets in touch with his sisters, but now that both have new kids/grandkids, I've facilitated interactions between DD and her cousins - but I see that as me developing my own relationship with my sister- and neice-in-law as mums of the same generation and DD with her cousins. I don't know DH's parents or sisters birthdays but I know all the kids'!

I think the OP is getting a bit of hard time if she grew up where mother's did all that work, and the culture around her as a mother was the same. But the only way it will change is by families providing the examples of parents keeping in touch with their own side of the family. Having the DIL step in will just perpetuate the whole thing. Men are in fact capable of remembering to do things.

How can you say you would have a relationship and consider it a pleasure when you have no idea what OP is like?

some MIL are deeply unpleasant and you can try and try and they don’t like you 🤷🏻‍♀️ why should someone make an effort with someone if they don’t like them/treat them badly? If the son isn’t bothered about a relationship; why should the DIL be?

poster sounds like my MIL who thought it was fine to scream insults at me but I wasn’t even allowed to defend myself because I’m in my 30s and she’s in her 50s so she can say whatever she likes but I can’t. It’s a special viewpoint.

by allowing him to forget all of the time

But it's not my job to ensure he remembers to interact with his family. so I'm not allowing or forbidding anything here.

It’s not a woman’s responsibility to take on the mental load of sorting all presents/birthdays etc. I grew up watching my mum do it and while she did it well it’s definitely not something I could manage. My partner and I split it. All birthdays on the calendar but we each sort out our respective family members and sign it from both of us.

I think and I mean this kindly.
a) it's not a lack of interest. It's a bandwidth issue.
b) she isn't your family, you will have to work twice as hard with her to build a relationship as you don't come with the same level of obligation as her own parents do. This is doubly hard for you both if you are far away as the small incremental gestures and help are harder to do.
c) you do need to lean on your son. For two reasons. He's not making the effort, at all and if you think its bad now with small children, wait until you and your husband are aged and infirm. He is building a model where only your own daughter will step up to support you. So you should call him out on it now.

I think there are two different issues here. I think that people (both wives and husbands) should communicate freely with the ILs, unless there's a strong reason not to: not just 'well, you're not my side of the family!' But I also think that it's unfair for a man to offload all responsibility for remembering his parents' birthdays, etc. to his wife

When women didn't work outside the home and were responsible for household management then it was a woman's responsibility to maintain the family correspondence.
This no longer applies. Everyone should be working together.
In short, splitting the family correspondence between the two halves of the family seems a fair distribution. Speak to your DS and ask him to step up.

You're blaming a woman for your son being lazy? The son you raised? Maybe it's you as his parent who 'allowed' and 'enabled' him to be lazy whilst bringing him up.
Although heavily shaped by their upbringing, adults are 100% responsible for their own behaviour, not their spouses.
No wonder you have a bad relationship with them.

All this. It literally is a bandwidth issue as l have so little free time (sometimes less than an hour a day to myself). Sometimes l need to zone out a bit and do something for myself. Rather than sending cards via moon pig, finding FIL’s favourite whiskey etc. I prioritise my own family and friends, fine for my husband to do the same

I don't think DH could tell you when any of the birthdays on my side of the family are so I'm damned if I'm going to remind him about the birthdays on his side. If he was single he'd have to remember on his own. Did this lead to his brother's GF not getting a birthday card? Yes.

As for maintaining a relationship between my MIL and grandchildren, this is the woman who told me the day after my wedding that her existing grandchild would always be her favourite so she made her own bed with that comment.

Very early on after getting stressed near Christmas (everyone in DHs family has a birthday in the Christmas fortnight) I told DH that he was in charge of gift buying for his family.

we usually agree a budget, and then buy for our own family.

i liked DMIL a lot, and would text her and meet up on our own, but it’s DHs responsibility to keep in contact with his family.

since DMIL passed we have a lot more contact with DFIL (as he’s now on his own) and text most days. if I’m honest, I probably forget he’s not my dad.