'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

They have created a family with a person. A person who is very capable of arranging contact/ presents etc with their own family.

I dont know, you know,i think it should be teamwork. Thats what marriage is, a partnership. It feels like the attitude of some people becomes very defensive immediately when they hear "mother of the husband" (fair enough for people who really cant get along with their in laws, and if they are “bad” people, but this is probably not the norm as not everyone who has sons are “vile" people?)

If within that team, it is the woman who reminds the DH to call, and DH calls that’s fine, or vice versa. If the DIL is open minded to begin with but doesnt treat them like outsiders to get rid of and put boundaries immediately, and attempts to forge a relationship, then it all becomes natural anyway. Maybe also to do with expectations from the start. If being close is expected and is the norm, then everyone makes an effort. If there is active opposition by default and defensiveness from the get go, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I get what you are saying, not everything should be women’s job, but the wording “fighting patriarchy” etc display a combative mindset - ignoring a MIL wanting to see the grandkids isn’t really fighting the patriarchy.

I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids or anything at all from their PIL's. Yes, your husband's should bear the brunt of the life admin on their side of the family but you are being selfish twats for ignoring your children's grandparents.

Who said anything about ignoring them? As it happens, I never received any financial help from my in-laws, nor childcare help, nor any other type of practical assistance. They were never in a position to offer that kind of support. That doesn't mean that I don't care about them deeply, and indeed, I have demonstrated this care by paying extensive healthcare costs for my MIL and several of my DH's siblings, contributing towards the cost of rebuilding my SIL's house (DH covered the rest) and paying to educate SIL's children etc, as well as helping to research and select schools, identify suitable medical provision etc. Because they live in a country where basic services are not provided by the state and I want to help them, I know that they're important to DH and I regard them as part of my extended family.

However, I absolutely wouldn't ever accept responsibility for managing these relationships. Refusing to act as a man's PA to manage his relationships for him doesn't mean that you have to be completely detached and unfeeling...it simply means that you're clear about where the primary responsibility lies.

In the same way, I have the primary responsibility for keeping in touch with my parents and my side of the family, but that doesn't mean that DH doesn't sometimes pop over to help my elderly parents with stuff etc.

But men are generally a bit shit about keeping in touch, and all the women in the MN complaining wont change that, they take the easy way - that means women doing the social calendar.

How on earth is that the 'easy way', to do someone else's job on top of your own? Something that should most certainly also be easier for him than me - he has known when his mother's birthday is a lot longer than me. If before I took care of my family, how is it easier if I add his family on top of that? Or you meant easier for men?

Men are not naturally incapable or generally shit, they manage to build relationships at work to further their careers just fine. They can drop the social part because they know that they will be excused, and their wife will be judged, because she didn't send a card to husband's third cousin twice removed, whom she has literally never met.

Jesus.

You have a lazy and useless husband and picked up the pieces for him, and now have a lazy and useless son and expect your daughter in law to pick up the pieces for him.

Do better.

Men aren't 'useless at this sort of thing'. The men in your family are.

No chance I'm taking on my partner's family expectations. They're a small family and have high maintenance (and expensive) demands. I have a huge family and I do christmas/birthdays/parents day cards ad hoc, when I have time, money, or see something I think they'd like, we almost never do presents. There are no expectations in my family, if you miss something, no one cares. DPs family seem to get in a mood at every occasion. I'm keeping well out of it. It doesn't mean I don't like them, or don't care about them, but each family has different expectations on these things and it's up to them to deal with what they've created.

I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids or anything at all from their PIL's.

How come it's the DIL accepting money for wedding and help with kids, and not PILs own son?

MIL and FIL's birthdays each share a month with one of my parents - MIL same month as dad, FIL same month as mum.

This makes it very easy for me to remember their birthdays, and I always remind DH and offer to get a card or little something when I go and get something for my own parent's birthday, which I like to do with time to spare.

But DH usually refuses, saying he will do it. Then he forgets until there's no way it will get there for the day, or even once the day has passed, despite me reminding him in the meantime...

Easy way for him, not for the DIL. I also have no time, and I do call my parents more. Yes, men are obviously not disabled, but you cant deny it comes more naturally to women to just pick up the bloody phone and call. I had been to an anthropology lecture once, that explained why this was so, something to do with our hunter gatherer past. That is what I meant by all the women in MN screaming to their husbands wont change that, they are just wired this way, or lets say, women’s social muscles are stronger.

Does that mean we should be the only ones to organise and be PAs to our DHs? No, of course not! But two things...

One, it could be teamwork - I do remind mine to pick up the phone. Second, I am not in a defensive mode all the time actively trying to cut ties, my MIL is lovely, and I did put in the effort to bond with her, because my default was not “I dont give a crap she isn’t mine” but it was more “She is family now, and she might bring something extra to our lives". Of course we would not have been friends if I met her outside of family context, but the family mindset forced me to think about it, and turns out, I like her!

I love my mother and law and really appreciate her, she treats me like her daughter too and that helps. I do think with women working more full time they can't do everything. Maybe see your DIL more as a person - what are her interests? Do you have any in common? If you both like gardening etc maybe suggest going to a flower show or doing a spa day? I realise how privileged that sounds but they are things I like, maybe go to the theatre? Do things for the kids they would like? Relationships take work on both sides.

I am astounded at the number of replies saying their DH doesn't keep in touch with their parents/family...

My DH is super close with his family, calls them 2/3x a week, goes to meet them for days out, and we visit them regularly. We do the same for my parents as well.

I help with gift buying as I love my in-laws and want to get them a gift... I hang out with them without my DH as well. They treat me like a daughter and a member of the family. They've never made me feel otherwise.

My ds texts me most days and I see him most weeks. I have a good relationship with his partner, but she isn’t my primary contact. They each tend to choose / pay for gifts etc for their own ‘sides’ of the family, but sign cards from both of them. I think though I encouraged gift buying from when my boys were young (I was a single mum from the time they were primary age) small thoughtful gifts for me and each other. So it’s something that has stuck.

I think that if op's partner posting, my response would be the same. Yes, he also modelled poorly and is a part of this, but he is not posting wondering why. People are just pointing out that this is more to do with op than her dil. Which is true.

It's such a blessing when a mil & dil have a respectful & loving relationship. A mil can never replace actual mothers if that relationship is close but they can and do add to family life if they bond with their dil through the mutual love of the same man & his children.

Wonderful 😍

MIL lives with us and she’s like the Mum I never had. DH is still takes charge of sorting her birthday present as she’s his Mum.

Tbh as someone who had neglectful and abusive parents I’d find it really unattractive if a man with decent parents couldn’t even be bothered to buy them a birthday present or keep in touch with them.

That’s really super lovely for you. Really happy for you and you have what most people would want. I’m surprised you’re surprised not everyone has that though 😄 I don’t blame you, I’d stay in that harmonious bubble if I were you tbh.

I disagree with this part of this statement "Through no fault of her own".

Why doesn't her son/daughter want to stay in touch with their mum and/or dad? Is there some reason they want to cut ties and start living their own life?

My husband is better at keeping in touch with his family than I am mine! And he’s better at reminding me of things I should do for mine - birthdays and cards etc. I also make a lot of effort with his family and remind him when there’s things coming up and help come up with ideas for their presents etc. just like he helps think of presents for my side. We don’t see them as sides of the family - they’re all our family! Why get married if you’re not going to see your families as shared now, seems like a big part of it for me, especially if you have kids, no?

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow I know you said you have stopped reading the comments now - but I do hope you might read mine. I too am older - late 60s - and when I married in my 20s it was the done thing for the wife to do, well, all the wife work - my mother did, so I did too. I did it for years. I liked my MIL and kept the PILs informed. Or sometimes I told/reminded my then husband to ring his parents to ask what they wanted for Christmas or birthday or to invite them. If I hadn't he wouldn't have remembered or bothered.

Then one day my husband got a letter from his aunt in which she complained bitterly that she hadn't received a card or present for her birthday. She said she was no longer going to send us or our children anything for Christmas or birthdays because (and she named me - me not him) Namcchangiosa always sent her a card and gift but this time she (not her own nephew) hadn't bothered.

I was furious because after literally twenty years of doing this, she could just foist all the blame on me and penalise my children. And the really annoying bit was I HAD sent her a card and present - we'd left them at his mother's. So it was her own sister who was at fault because she had forgotten it.

After that I suddenly realised what a fool's game it was, that I did all the work and yet got all the blame. He threw the letter in the bin and eventually it blew over - I presume she got the present from her sister - albeit late - and she phoned him as if nothing was wrong and he went along with it. I got the letter out of the bin and kept it - in fact I am sorry to admit I kept it until after she died - but I never felt the same about her again. I would like to say that I left it all to him after that, but I couldn't do what she'd done, because I liked my in-laws and didn't want them to be hurt - but I did tell him to do things more. But even then I acknowledge that I was still doing the wife work because I was doing the remembering and writing on calendars etc.

Sorry this is so long, but I guess what I am trying to say is yes, we are all a product of our time, but how your son reacts isn't down to you - he is a grown man after all. I am tired of women being blamed for what men do or don't do - in fact, why didn't his Dad teach him better is what I say?

I'm older and married for over 3 decades.

From the start, I didn't take on any wifework - I had enough on my plate as the main breadwinner and mother when the kids came along.

I've been honest with the ILs about it - I take care of my blood relatives, it's up to DH to care about this stuff for his.

He usually forgets and that's absolutely nothing to do with me.

This makes it very easy for me to remember their birthdays, and I always remind DH

But they are his parents! He has known his entire life when their birthdays are. Why is it easier for you?

It's not, is it - he has simply decided that it's your job to remind him now when his own mother's birthday is.

So would l! I bet there is a back story

OP is being super unreasonable and condescending, going on about young DIL’s and she had a job herself (bet it wasn’t full time). I’m busy probably more busy than my husband, as lm also studying part time. On top of both working full time and twin toddlers. I just about have the time and energy for birthdays / Christmas / big anniversary’s etc for my own family and friends. Plus we have 2 daughters so lm not willing to send a message about running round after men and doing their thinking. My mum did that for my brother and it didn’t turn out very well

Oh - and I forgot to mention that I also worked - full time for most of my married life and for a large part of it (towards the end) I was the main breadwinner. No - it's a fool's game but it was what I was brought up to think married women had to do.

Also ... do you expect your son in law to be in contact with you? Or your son to be in contact with his in laws? If not, why not?