'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Would love to hear the DILs version of this story.

I did all this for both sides of family for 25 years.
There was no appreciation but I did it as it is 'the right thing to do'.
I am getting Divorced this year.

sorry, posted too soon.
OP. The responsiblity lies with your Ds not your DIL.

I've noticed that a lot of woman seem to hate there MIL, find them over baring etc... I see it al9t in the due date groups I've been apart of where they all seem to ask how I can stop my MIL visiting, asking about my pregnancy, asking about the baby, wanting the see the baby, I find it very sad that you would want to cut somebody out who wants to love you and your child... I do understand that some MIL's probably need to be told to take a step back but I don't think its 75% of the MIL's in the group.

I've never understood why and I would be very upset if I was ever cut out of my sons (imaginary since he's currently only 22 months) family.

I get on very well with my ex's mother and she sees my daughter regularly, we communicate well and she adores her granddaughter. My current partners mom passed away before I met him however we visit his dad whenever possible, normally once every other month for the weekend as he lives lives 200+ miles away.

I'd be upset if my son couldn't be bothered to maintain a relationship with me but equally upset if my DIL decided she also couldn't be bothered. It doesn't take much to send a quick text or do a video call even if you don't want to travel.

Sorry, but I don't expect my partner to keep in touch with my parents, unless there was specific reason to (like I was injured for example). Definitely wouldn't expect my partner to arrange cards/gifts etc either. And my partner doesn't expect me to do that for their dad.

Women don't need to take on all the burden of arranging everything, so I'd take it up with your son.

and that's what i would call teamwork. I think what is being discussed here is a situation where one partner totally abdicates responsibility for their side of the family and refuses to do anything in exchange.

but why should she take on that responsibility?

Who is it that you're saying is lazy and entitled in this situation?

Is it lazy and entitled for a man to expect his wife/partner to act as his PA with regard to maintaining the relationships with his parents/siblings etc? Yes, absolutely.

Is it lazy and entitled for a woman to expect her husband/partner to step up and take responsibility for maintaining his own relationships like any capable adult should? No, of course it isn't.

I'm not saying she should.

I'm saying I've noticed a trend where a lot of woman seem to take the stance of I hate my MIL and I refuse to let her into our lives, around our child or have anything to do with her. I think a lot of woman actually try to cut contact because they know their partner wont do it and they don't want it anyway so its a win win for them.

I'm not saying that the DIL should do all the work or that mothers shouldn't teach there own sons how to keep in touch etc.. I'm saying that I see a lot of woman who actively don't want a relationship with their MIL and use this as an excuse

Some really vile answers in this thread. I may not always get along with my PIL's and sometimes they drive me crazy but I owe them a lot. All the times they have been there in an emergency, the childcare when nobody else was available, the practical help with our wedding, DIY and car repairs. They aren't my favourite people in the world but it costs nothing to be nice. I help my husband remember their birthdays and suggest / buy presents because I'm not a selfish cow. They do things for me and I think it's basic human decency to offer them respect and acknowledgement in return. He genuinely struggles with life admin for various reasons and as part of my support and care for him it's only right that I help him to remember this stuff.

I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids or anything at all from their PIL's. Yes, your husband's should bear the brunt of the life admin on their side of the family but you are being selfish twats for ignoring your children's grandparents.

You are teaching kids that they can pick and choose which family birthdays they acknowledge, that they can ignore relatives when it suits them and visit only when they want something. Both you, and your husbands, need to do better.

This is the root of family estrangement and it's breaking our society.

This! I’m amazed OP can’t see the double standard!

In my family and my extended family (siblings, nephews etc and their in-laws) and in my husband's family all the women keep contact and are very fond of each other.
It would be unthinkable for me to forget my niece's birthday card (niece on my husband's side). I don't understand DIL and SIL who do not extend equal communication to both sides of their children's family because it is not my experience.
The men don't organise the social get togethers though they do talk to each other and participate. My man is not a natural shopper. The men tend to fix each other's lawn mowers, make beer and sausages from scratch and go to the footy together.

I adore helping my DIL. I love that she welcomes me into their home and I don't take that for granted and try hard to not give advice and to not stay too long - I support my daughter in a similar way.

In this case though, your daughter is the DIL to that MiL - and you are expecting her to stay in touch with said MiL.

You also would like your own DiL to stay in touch with you, even though your own son isn't staying in touch with you.

I think that is the point that @TheUndoing was making - you are asking something of your DiL that your own daughter isn't doing with her MiL.

Mention to your son that you're redrafting your will. He'll be knocking at your door in an instant.

Yes DS should get in touch, it’s his fault etc, sure.

But men are generally a bit shit about keeping in touch, and all the women in the MN complaining wont change that, they take the easy way - that means women doing the social calendar. Not saying it should be that way, it just is...If a bond hasn’t been forged - then naturally DIL will gravitate towards organising things with “their side”.

It is unfortunate and OP is helpless in this situation isn’t she? If she asserts herself calls, turns up,, she is the "overbearing MIL". If she doesnt, as some threads show up here, she is the MIL who doesnt care, "see DH your DM doesnt care"? Kids dont get to know them so much especially if there is distance as well, and it all just drifts away. DH, just wants an easy life, no confrontation, so goes along with the wife’s decisions. Im not an MIL by the way, too early for me, but I am sure it will be like this, as I am/was the archetype DIL in this scenario.

It is sad, I love my DS but that is likely what will happen...Let me know if there are any solutions to forge a bond with the DIL, maybe through childcare - but do exactly as she says though on that front - , as that really seems to be the only way, if she is willing to, has the time etc...

This. When I met my DH (second marriage for both of us), His adult daughter actually handed me a book full of dates for all the birthday, anniversaries etc for his family. I was completely bemused. Why did she see this as my job?

After she left, I gave him the book and left him to get on with it. He's a grown adult and he can manage his own family commitments.

My MIL has had my children probably about twice on her own over 5 years. She was invited to our wedding and didn’t attend. She was invited to the birth of one child, showed up then didn’t bother to see them over the next few months as she got a new bf. she has been invited to everything and made many awful comments to me.

now I do nothing for her. I don’t think that’s vile - and I hope I get a DIL like me 😃

This is the root of family estrangement and it's breaking our society.

@Ficklebricks so you are effectively saying that women challenging the patriarchy is breaking society?

What's happening is that women, who have for hundreds of years been treated as second class citizens, have developed and grown and are putting themselves and their children first. Unfortunately many men haven't grown or developed and are stuck thinking that women are just there to be male support systems, basically they havent kept up!

There is no reason why men can't remember birthdays, organise family gatherings - actually be active in family life. The fact is many are self centred and only think about themselves. A previous poster said their DH wasn't a shopper, my experience is that men are shoppers when it comes to buying golf clubs, beers, cars - anything that they are interested in.

Women are not bring 'unkind' or 'selfish' they are simply, at last, putting themselves and their children first.

You taught your son that it is a woman's job then sadly. But it is not and his wife is not pandering to it. So it is your relationship with him suffering. It would have been better to cut off your work with your in laws.

And why would "their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing"?
Perhaps because they've never been called to account by their own own Mothers/families?
Society doesn't have have high expectations of men when it comes to family life. Family responsibilities, like this, tend to fall on the shoulders of women. Why should it?
Women usually carry the burden of the majority of housework, childcare, cooking and organisation/life admin. Why should they have to manage their husbands relationship with his parents for him?

Men (disabilities aside) are perfectly capable of maintaining relationships, they maintain them with friends and partners independently. If they can't be arsed to maintain the relationship with their own family why would their wife do it on their behalf. If a son isn't bothered about his mum that's between his mum and him, nothing to do with his wife.

Whose fault is it? Certainly more the mil than the dil. It is literally nothing to do with the dil. If you are unhappy, you need to speak to your son.

Like hell am I organising presents and gifts for my husbands family. I have enough to do as it is - and that's with my husband absolutely pulling his weight around the house and with the kids etc.

I have no idea if he send cards/gifts to them. He's a grown man. I don't expect him to organise things for my side of the family.

My mother in law also knows better than to question me if he hasn't.

Ideally it should be 50/50 with both sides of family given equal consideration regarding contact. If my DH goes too long without contacting his side I make sure I remind him. We spend time with both sides more or less equally & I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also have three boys (and a girl). They're too young to go out and buy gifts for me / dad at the moment but they know when our birthdays are and make us cards etc.