'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Yes I think if you're getting on with them it's a nice thing to do. But my mil was a nightmare, really demanding of DH & it was always me that took on communication between us & her. It was hard work, I mean she was hard work & she also refused to instigate any of the communication herself. So she doesn't have any contact now with the children, who are all grown up.
Sad but had she made the effort instead of complaining that she didn't get enough phone calls & making it into an issue it could have been different.
Having a young family is hard work & I personally couldn't deal with the additional responsibility

I used to - for about 10’years. And then I gave my head a wobble (mumsnet gem of a term) and stopped.

Indeed.

I suspect it's very tempting for some men to be "useless" at stuff if that means that the women in their lives will automatically pick up all of the work.

If my DH continually forgot to buy his mum cards I would pick up the reins. If she was a good grandmother and I got on well with her I wouldn't want her to be upset. She's a part of my children's DNA and part of their family story. She's not just one of DH's work colleagues and I really couldn't be that unkind to someone.

I would also expect my DH to have my back when I forgot things or had weaknesses in other areas. Marriage and relationships are about give and take and rarely come with a black and white job description.

I’m a DIL and I don’t really get in touch with my in laws other than contributing to the group WhatsApp. I like them a lot and see them regularly and we holiday together sometimes but my husband does all the communication. But then part of what I love about our life is spending time with family.. I don’t think I would have married someone who wasn’t arsed about his (unless there was some good reason for that) to the point he wouldn’t instigate or reply to communication.

I have never done a single bit of wife work when it comes to my husbands family! But he cares and maintains an excellent relationship with them, never forgets a birthday etc. He calls his mum more than I do! Conversely some of my female friends barely bother with their families - all comes down to personality and how selfish the individual is.

I used to do all the running around for DHs family when I was a SAHM and even when I started working. Then, one day I thought why the hell am I doing this? And told DH it was up to him to sort out..
I will remind him about birthdays (only once) and then it's up to him.i don't expect him to buy a present for my mum so why should I buy for his.
Sorry OP, this is down to your son not DIL. Isn't there a saying about a son's only a son until he gets a wife?

This is really interesting as it's come up in my family recently.

I don't really get on with my pil (they're very difficult people, long story) Fil lives in Spain half the year and is very laid back so we just see him as and when, occasionally video call. He doesn't do gifts or anything now so we just go out for meals sometimes and take turns to pay instead.

Mil is a bit more complicated - she loves local and we see her every week but I now leave it for her and DH to organise after some crossed wires a while ago. I do remind DH about cards etc and I'll get them if I'm in the shop anyway, but it's down to him to get them there on time/do the birthday texts. This came to a head last year when he forgot - not exactly but basically he had it in his head his mum's birthday was on the Thursday- had her present wrapped, planned to finish work early that afternoon to go see her etc ... but it was actually the Wednesday 🤦 Mil was understandably upset and they had a difficult phone call that evening, she then bought me and my parents into it and DH was confused saying well that's not really anything to do with it is it?

I felt terrible she was upset but also, it's not my job to double check everything DH says/plans is it? If I did I'd probably be accused of micro management!

On the flip side my brother doesn't stay in touch with my parents as much as he should, mostly when he needs something and I've had words with him about it recently. We watched my mum struggle to take care of her mum for years while her brother did nothing and I've said if he thinks that will be happening as our parents age he can think again!

Therein lies the problem "knowing that their men are useless..." I work full time as does my husband, why should I then be the one to take on the 'burden' of maintaining his relationship with his parents? His is a grown adult, who thankfully, has the sense for a weekly call to his parents and texts here and there if anything comes up that they need to know about our son. I am not no contact with them and if I send my mum something about our son that I think MIL would like to see I generally try to send it on but she respects that we are both very busy. I will buy christmas presents if I am out shopping and see something that they would like but I have no idea when their birthdays are.

My husband is my equal not my son!

This. Why is it automatically a woman's job to see to these things?

I think it varies, I am not close to my own mum but was really close to ex mil. I was 14 when I met her son and her. Even after I split from her son we still met up etc, I was always the one to make effort with her as her son didn’t. As a result we had a great relationship up until she passed away.

During Covid times I ensured she had shopping delivered etc. She wasn’t able to do online shopping etc and didn’t drive or have great health to be able to get to the shops. Again, her son didn’t think of this and just got on with his life.

She was genuinely the nicest woman I’ve ever met and even after I’d moved on relationship wise, my partner was always welcomed with open arms with her.

A lot of men will have already been doing cards/gifts/visiting their parents.

Why would having a woman in their life suddenly mean that they forget how to do that?

I suspect these men already didn't bother & the women have taken it on because they are bothered.

I do nearly all the communication for my family. My DH I strongly suspect is ND and is equally bad at organising/remembering other things as well so its not limited to family!
Nearly all my family have passed away and it's really important for me that DC have extended family that they know and trust so I take them to visit, even if DH doesn't come with us.
That's not to say I don't feel slightly aggrieved at the mental load though!

shes enabling him and also blaming the DIL!

I had a good (excellent) relationship with my MIL for around 8 years. We communicated regularly, spent Christmas together, birthdays, days out, round at each other's houses regularly etc... very very close. Then her other son (golden child who only bothered with her for money to support his drug habit) got jealous and kicked up an almighty storm, called me worse than crap, bad mum, bad wife. Said he didn't feel he could have a relationship with his own parents because we were close to them (absolute rubbish btw, he just couldn't manipulate her as easily)... She then tried to appease him by pushing me and hubby away, not inviting us to things, Christmas's etc, started being shady and lying about certain things, would tell us not to go to her house when the brother was there... No acknowledgement of the hurt he caused or she was now causing. Even after various chats and trying to work things out, it has continued. As a result I don't speak to her anymore, whenever she texts about seeing us (on her terms, mainly to see the GC) I just say "speak to DP"... I dont get involved with anything to do with the family now. To much hurt and hassle and ultimately when push came to shove - regardless of our relationship, she decided to appease her other son (who know has decided he is bored with her and visits maybe once/twice a month).

This. my parents husband an in laws are all passed on now but it was always a team thing. I absolutely get refusing to take on the whole load and one partner getting off scot free and neither set of inlaws should expect their sil or dil to do all the stuff and their own child do nothing.

I disagree with those who says it should be solely the man's responsibility to keep in touch. I do the bulk of 'emotional labour' with my mother in law, and yes, sometimes it irritates me, especially around Christmas. However MIL does a huge amount in return for us - has my kids to stay during school holidays, helps out with the cost of school uniforms, bought my son his first bike, drives an hour to see us at least every month. She and FIL took us all away on our first international holiday last month. She's also an ex-nurse and always my first port of call if the kids are unwell and I'm not sure what to do.

It's not hard to keep in touch - I rarely phone but make sure to text her pictures of the kids a couple of times a week, and she's very involved with how they're doing at school. We both put the effort in, and so it works. It's more than worth the additional headache of buying extra presents.

In return, DH does a lot of the heavy lifting with my own parents, who are elderly and can't do everything for themselves anymore. We live closer to them so he does their mowing and other garden maintenance. He helps my dad out with DIY so that dad doesn't overdo it himself. DH is a lousy communicator, but would do anything to help anyone, so we're just playing to our strengths.

I'm also useless at keeping in touch with my own family - I should tell my partner that since he knows I am absolutely useless at this sort of thing, he should be doing it.

Your son hasn't been married his whole life. At what point did you start expecting DIL to take this over? When they started dating? When they got engaged? When they got married?

Your own daughter doesn't keep in regular contact with her PIL, do you hassle her about this? Or is it less important to you because you hear about your GC this way round?

It’s your sons responsibility.
I don’t take responsibility for buying presents for dh’s side of the family. Luckily I’m married to a beautiful intelligent man, not a man child.

I think it’s a very different thing when you have an extremely involved and decent grandparent - because then you’re also doing stuff on behalf of the children and you too, as a thank you.

but as you see on this thread, where the relationship is bad/not good then I don’t see why the DIL needs to get involved - plenty of people have and then have been disappointed.

I don’t think it’s inevitable. I send my MIL pictures of the kids and little updates and chats most days. I think about presents for her. I love her. But she has put the leg work in with raising a loving son who keeps in contact, with me and building our relationship, and with the grandchildren. My DH does the same with my folks.

You seem to have an old fashioned view of gender roles which you DD and DIL don’t share. You are missing out because your DS either actively or passively doesn’t want to keep in touch that much.

Your DIL will be following your sons lead.
Maybe try building a relationship independently if it bothers you, so rather than arranging to see "them" just message your DIL arranging a day to go out with her and the children during the school holidays. And show genuine interest in her too when you're talking so that it doesn't seem like you're only interested in the grandkids.

To be honest with you my partner is a million times better at keeping in touch with his family than I am with mine. I’m just so busy. I think the main reason is he is an only child and his mother relies on him more. My mother is more of a free spirit and just isn’t bothered, so it lets me off the hook.

It’s a very sad part of modern culture that people have entitled and lazy attitudes.