'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Exactly!

My MiL and I don’t get on, we are civil and she loves my kids so we put up with each other but personally I don’t care at all if I have a relationship with her, if not for my kids I’d prefer not to. We text to make arrangements sometimes but otherwise communication if through my DH. I won’t stop her seeing the kids or DH but it’s up to her and DH to make arrangements to keep in touch.

And DH does, he texts and/or calls her pretty much every day and deals with all presents and cards for his side just like I do with my side. Men are perfectly capable of this and the responsibility should not be put on DiLs. Even in situations where the DiL gets on with the MiL she’s still presumably the one that cares least in the relationships between mother/son and grandparent/grandchild so it makes no sense at all for DiLs to be stuck with the burden of maintaining those relationships.

In the past women were more content to pick up the slack for useless men, now they are less so. This is a good thing, not something they should be criticised for. You and your son need to maintain these relationships, not your DiL.

My daughter in law and i keep in touch all the time. I text her she texts me it wouldnt occur to me that it would be any different. I want to be in my grandkids lives and she wants me to be in their lives. She is my friend not my enemy.
She sees more of her side of the family but i wouldnt expect anything else. I get invited to family stuff and its never an issue when i want to see the kids.

I think, maybe, there is pressure on women to confirm to antiquated standards. Which means people continue to make out it is normal.
Few people can make a Sunday lunch from scratch, yet even now women can be embarrassed by that. It is lingering patriarchy.

I think, maybe, there is pressure on women to confirm to antiquated standards

This is women pressuring woman - expecting DIL to do the grunt work and DS gets away scott free - wonder if DM makes a song and dance of DS does something and with DD it’s an expectation.

I would not expect the DIL to reach out either. OP should blame her son and NOT the DIL.

But I do wonder if OP has considered reaching out (in a completely non-demanding manner). It is possible for MILs and DILs to develop familial or friendly relationships. They need to have compatible personalities, both need to be interested etc. but it is possible.

In this case the OP would have to try AND (very important!) do so in a non-demanding manner aka without putting pressure on the DIL or expecting reciprocity.

But simply assuming that the DIL will pick up the slack and facilitate relationships with the father´s side of the family? Those times are over. Luckily!

But why is it your DIL and not your son who wants this? Why is it her job to make sure you're brought into their family and not your actual son?

It's great she's willing to do it, for you and the kids. But it's not her relationship to maintain.

young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever

That's not their responsibility- it's the responsibility of the young dad

Do we grandmothers just have to suck it up and conclude, as someone said, it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?

I would try being pro-active before simply "sucking it up".

And instead of telling your DD that she should stay in touch with her in-laws: Why not tell your DS that you wish he kept in touch?

This.

There's still time to fix it. Men are capable of learning even once they're adults. Tell your son you want to be involved and in his family and that you expect him to be equally involved in maintaing your relationship, the one between the two of you.

And then maintain it.

Its not my DIL job. I speak to my son everyday but my DIL is in charge of what the kids do because thats the way she wants it. She loves organising stuff thats just her personality. I on the other hand are not great at organising. We dont have to maintain our relationship whatever that means. We have a relationship because we have family in common and we are friends.

What do you expect from your SIL @TheolderIgetthelessIknow ?

Wierd thread. It's never occurred to me to buy mil's card or present, dp has always done it. The most I have ever done is remind him, usually on the day of her birthday after it pops up on Facebook 😂 I'm sorry buy any man who is capable of functioning in life, holding down a job and paying bills etc, is perfectly capable of buying a birthday card. How ridiculous.

Ultimately it's your son you want to see not your daughter in law so it should be him making the arrangements. My son lives 2 hrs away and I make arrangements to see him. He doesn't have a partner yet but if he did it would be really odd for me to suddenly start making arrangements through her.

You're lucky then. OP, and many of the people on here, don't have a relationship with their son anymore because he is not interested in keeping contact (maintaing the relationship).

I mostly get on ok with my MIL, aside from when she's on one of her mad ones, but it's not my job to make sure her son speaks to her. That's between them.

I strongly echo this - I think that is such an important point to flag. My relationship with my PiL isn't because I have to do it because DH won't, it's because they are my family and I genuinely care about and enjoy their company.
They are wonderful grandparents, excellent pIL and just very kind and lovely people who go out of their way to be thoughtful to me, and so I ensure I return the favour.

We have always chosen presents for his side and my side together.

What kind of effort did your DH make with his own mum and dad? Did your son have a male role model to see the importance of keeping in touch with family and remembering birthdays and special occasions?

If you haven't told your son how much it hurts that he doesn't remember your birthday, then you should.

We brought up our kids to mark birthdays from toddlerhood. We took them shopping for their own presents for family (which resulted in some very random gifts!) and they made their own cards and posted them.

It sounds as though you took on all the practicalities and emotional investment at special times @TheolderIgetthelessIknow , so your son never learned to bother or to care.

Sorry this answers my question. Men are not useless at this sort of thing due to biology. Your son is likely useless because your DH was useless with his family too and that is what your son learnt about a man’s role. Not your fault but you could speak to your son about the situation, check if he’s happy with the level of contact or if it’s just that he feels useless at maintaining contact and doesn’t have the skills to do so. Or even better, if your DH would do it and explain that he could have been a better role model for this and shouldn’t have left all the contact with his family to his wife.

I keep in touch with my children and their partners and grandchildren. Family is important to me. I think it lays down stepping stones and makes lasting memories for future generations. It doesn't end with this generation, the feelings of having each other's backs and general belonging are to some extent carried forward.
This does not mean we are in each others pockets. We all have our private lives as well but have the backup of a solid family unit. My relationship with my DIL's is a relationship between them and me and is not connected to my sons/grandsons (all adults).

I'm no young mum, and neither was my mum, but when I was in my twenties she told me that people will say 'oh, they're your family too, do the cards'. And then said 'when a man remembers your Great Aunty Berthas birthday and picks up a card she'll like, then you are all one family and cards/presents are something you both do for everyone'. Great Aunty may be long dead, but I've never done the cards still. Now I'm not working atm but dh is working crazy hours, and I would ask if he wants me to pick up a card or anything for FIL, but apart from in crisis, contact is up to the two of them as FIL has no interest in me at all

I take on most of this responsibility for DH because I love gift giving and have to send things abroad. However, if I didn’t do this he would do it. I am very close with his family, they are my family too now. In laws make a big effort with DC, so I feel it’s only fair it’s reciprocated.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing

This is the problem right here. It's an assumption that men can be useless because "their woman" will pick it up. There's so much to pick up in life, everyone should be responsible for their own relationships, not putting that extra work on their partner.

My MIL is a lovely lady who cares very much for her grandchildren (and her children). I have no idea when her birthday is, or even her phone number! I’ve never arranged a visit, sent a card/present etc - because from day 1, I’ve been clear with DH that I’m not his PA. They have daily whatsapp messages as part of the family chat (I’m not on it) and they see each other once a month at least.
There have been a couple of occasions in the past where she’s commented that an occasion has been missed and my response has always been “well, you know what DHs organisational skills are like”.
I think she’s never pursued a close relationship with me because she already has a daughter and because she doesn’t find me relatable - she’s closer to her other DIL as they both worked in the same field so have more to talk about