'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

This actually makes me really angry. The responsibility being placed on thr female in a relationship again.

Does your son have a job?
Is he able to socialise with friends?
Play sport?
Function like a normal adult in society?

I'm assuming that he doesn't have severe learning difficulties or other complications as he has a wife and children.

Then he can send his mother a birthday card.

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever assume that the existence of.a womb makes someone able to remember birthdays. Men are not bad at these things. Some lazy individuals of both genders don't prioritise relationships with their families. But it is not a female responsibility.

Yet another thread I've read recently where op starts it, then says I'm not reading anymore. Because it doesn't hold her way. And even during, the response was unanimous. Why doesn't op talk to both her son and her dd about how they both behave with both sides of their families. It's not hard if it, ti be lies any and keep both sides involved. Both people engaging with both sides.

Men can’t have it both ways. They want the second income they need to step up with all this stuff - we can’t and rightly won’t do it all and work too. Maybe historically if women worked less it was fairer they picked up everything else but times have changed.

I’m perplexed that you can’t see that the issue is your own internalised misogyny. As it happens, DH sees more of his parents than I do of mine, but if he didn’t I certainly wouldn’t see it as my responsibility to bustle about organising it for him on the grounds that having a penis somehow impedes an ability to make phone calls or remember birthdays. In your shoes, OP, I’d be asking myself some fairly serious questions about why you think ‘men are useless’ at maintaining their own family relationships, and why, if this is so, you feel it’s women’s responsibility to compensate.

I don’t send sil or mil cards but I will sort stuff out for my nieces. Dh usually remembers his mum and sister though may be a few days late. We don’t visit very often as he doesn’t seem to bother 🤷‍♀️

I have a really good relationship with my MIL because I like her, because we get on well and because she regularly cares for our children.

I would categorically not be fostering a relationship with someone if I didn’t. Your son is a grown up, he is capable of conversing and buying shit for you if he so desires. My husband has a relationship with his parents separate to the one I have.

She should be giving him a nudge to be honest. I used to do everything including weekly phone call to update my in-laws and then I realised it was becoming entirely my domain and I made my husband step up. Also I have boys, I’ve made them buy grandparents gifts from their own pocket money every Christmas for the past few years - most men are so disappointing with presents and I’m training them!!

I don't think it's my job as a DIL to communicate with DHs parents instead of him, in the same way it's not his job as a SIL to communicate with mine instead of me.

Aside from the fact it's just another job that for some reason seems to be the woman's, how much information being shared to respective families should be down to that member of the family. I'd be furious if DH told my parents something I wasn't happy to share with them (not much TBH but there's some things that should just stay with us IMO), and he would be if I told his parents something he didn't want them to know.

We both have a relationship with our respective ILs, and communicate on a personal level, but general family communication, gifts, cards etc are down to the person related to them. That's not to say I won't pick something up if DH asks, and vice versa, but remembering and deciding what to get is his job.

I’ve only got one son and this is kind of what I’m dreading tbh. He moved out for a year once and I barely saw him but he’s been back at home for about two years. I just know that, once he’s properly gone, that’ll be it. He’ll get in with his girlfriend’s family and that’ll be it 😢

It's not always the case. DH is one of three boys and they all call and visit regularly without any input from their wives.

My late husband did do the cards etc for his family. But I don't know why so many mumsnetters make this a hill that they're aggressive prepared to die on. The poster who was proud that she doesn't know her in-laws birthdays or phone numbers?

It just seems weird to me that much household stuff is shared, rather than being his job or her job - out at least we want it to be. So why is a line drawn here?

Yes, we saw to birthdays for our own families, but that didn't stop me saying "I saw something in Debenhams that your mum would love if you need ideas for her birthday" and nor did it so him saying "it's your dad's birthday in two weeks, are we going up, or seeing him another time?"

To actively shut out having the sort of information that you even have for a colleague (who you also didn't choose) just to make a point, seems weird.

In theory yanbu and its a sad depressing stat of affairs.

But most of the time i think its not personal.
The problem is modern life for mothers.

I work in a high pressured job, i am expected to "look good/reasonable", i manage the home, i carry the mental load, i devise social outings for the kids and our family, i am the primary parent and want to give my children what i can in an age/era where intensely attentive parenting is the norm.

Maintaining contact, buying cards and gifts for and entertaining my mil is now one more job/ piece of shit work i could really do without (& frankly my dh should own) if he cant he arsed why should i?

You either need to make the effort on your sons behalf, somehow get him to "adult" or just accept it.

I think you need to speak to your son about how you feel. My brother isn't the most sensitive of people but he keeps in regular contact with me and our mum. He remembers to buy presents for us and his brother in law (my husband) and nephews (my sons). Granted his wife is in closer contact with her family, my brother does do his part so it is possible for a son to be close with his family after marriage.

I deal with my family, dp with his. I have never been in charge of contact with "his" family even when I was married to exh, my only concession was I dealt with the online flower orders for Mother's Day as I'd send both mums and his nanna at the same time unless we had plans to see some of them. Christmas was a joint effort, it's worked for us, but as far as week to week conversation, no i didn't call his mum unless it was for a specific reason eg logistics, I would pick up the phone rather than asking him to do it.

Dps parents have passed away and I do have details for his siblings but I don't have reason to call them. He has my family details in case of emergency but I do the contact

I think your problem there is "men are all useless at this sort of thing". If that's the attitude your son has grown up with, with you not encouraging the behaviour you want and perhaps letting his father get away with treating you/his own mother badly then he's not going to bother. Or perhaps even know how to.

During my marriage I bought all IL cards and presents and regularly nagged my H to call his parents, arrange visits, etc.. It was a HUGE relief to ditch this responsibility when we got divorced and bloody wouldn’t do it now!!! The new DP can manage his own family 😂

In some ways I feel its easy for example to pick up a card if you've remembered it's your IL birthday.
But it works both ways. I remember my in laws birthday and now prompt DH to buy a card. He bought a father's day card weeks ago but despite him asking multiple times when Fathers Day is, it may well not get sent, or sent too late!
Both grandmothers died first (DM and MIL) and when my DC were quite young. Since then my DC have rarely been remembered or got a card on their birthday by their remaining GPs and its hit and miss whether they remember my or DH birthday.
(DH had a milestone birthday that his entire family missed!)

Same as pp. My 30yo calls me regularly. Sends me flowers for mothers day ( they all do), organises wonderful gifts ( like ridiculously nice - in a card a photo of rick astley and another of a-ha buried amongst them tickets to their 2020 aus tour) as do my younger ( not to the same extent only as they don't have the same amount of money). All boys and honestly if they called more often I'd run out of things to say. Love it when they visit and adore their gf's. That's pretty standard amongst my friends, most of whom only have boys ( as we met through soccer and footy teams etc). Sisters on the other hand - sorry shouldn't ref other thread but girls aren't all they are cracked up to be.

Speak to your son, and also your dd about her not dealing with her Dh's side! Speak to both!

and also your dd about her not dealing with her Dh's side!

Dont do that, it’s none of your business and how do you know that DD’s DH is useless at the task? I’m sure he’s great!

I keep in touch with my MIL because I love her, but it's her son's job to remember birthdays etc. Frankly I have enough to remember.

Why on earth would it be OP’s place to criticize how DD is handling the division of labor in her marriage, or her relationship to her in-laws?

OP should talk to her son about his role in maintaining a relationship with her. He’s the one not pulling his weight.

No it falls apart because the person who should put the effort in, can't be arsed because it's not important to them and they've never been taught it's importance and understand why it's their role.

You children have a role model of your husband not being arsed. You never addressed this.

It is also strange. THere are threads started on MN that read like they were written in 1980 and I am not sure how many are sincere.

My DH keeps in contact with his parents and organises stuff. We're not young, it's not a new thing.