'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Sorry, but that is your specific man, not all men. My DH is perfectly capable of sending things to his own family.

I agree with you.

We have a group chat for both sides and we are both in the group chat. I also chat to my PIL if they are on the phone to my husband and sometimes just call my MIL for chats.

we are always popping in with little gifts… bottle of wine, loaf of fancy bread, a dinner etc.

I think it’s so sad that we are becoming so disjointed as a society and there is no longer a mutual reliance on each other. Many people that I know are only in touch with families for very nice events or very bad events.

OP I'm sorry you're having such a hard time on here. You have clearly hit a nerve. I think we are angry at the men mainly, not you. There was a study with MIL relationships with in laws and they found that MILs reported that they were dissatisfied with their relationship with their daughter in law, even though they seemed to be putting the same effort in as Son in laws. MIL unfairly expect a lot of DIL it seems, when men are left scot free again.

My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.

I'm sorry to hear that your son is so unwilling to make an effort to maintain a relationship and treat you well as his mother and his children's grandmother.

Well done to your DIL for refusing to accept the idea that women should silently pick up all the relational labor for men instead of expecting them to act like decent adults. How else will men ever learn to be active nurturers of relationships instead of expecting the women around them to do it?

Please stop trying to shift the blame for your son's poor behavior onto the nearest woman.

FWIW, I put effort into relationships with both my DH's family and my own, but absolutely not more than he does. I'm not compensating for his neglect, we're equal partners in building & maintaining family connections on both sides.

I assume they don't treat you differently to their own then?

The thing is, the men have no excuse for being useless at communicating with their family of origin. They should have been raised to properly communicate with their loved ones. I think because most women hold down full time jobs while still doing the lion’s share of homemaking and childcare, we now refuse to also take on our husband’s family. Between working, homemaking, child rearing and keeping up with my own relatives, I barely have the time or energy to socialize with my friends or do stuff I enjoy. I refuse to give up what little bit of “me” time I have to take on keeping up relationships with the in-laws.

Like pp’s have said, we also take our cues from how our husbands relate to their families. If they can’t be bothered to maintain the relationships, why should we take on that burden. Our husbands know their families best and may actually have a good reason to limit contact. They may also just be too lazy. Either way, it isn’t the woman’s problem to deal with.

I’m raising my sons with the expectation that when they start families of their own, they will be responsible for communicating with us. I’m also teaching them to fully participate with running their households and raising their children. I’m also teaching my daughters to expect their partners to pull their weight.

How old are you, OP? I'm in my fifties and have a young adult daughter. If she gets married, I will absolutely discourage her from taking on responsibility for her husband's family relationships. Not that she is likely to do this in any case, given that she hasn't ever witnessed that sort of strategic uselessness from her father, who always invested a lot in his family relationships instead of leaving it to me. It wouldn't have occurred to him to do this.

Honestly speaking, I'm astonished that, in this day and age, anyone would expect women to take on this role. Men are perfectly capable of maintaining and investing in relationships if they choose to do so. Unfortunately, some men see it as women's work - perhaps because of what they witnessed growing up - and don't bother to make the effort.

I'm sorry that your son is so ungrateful and uncaring towards you. It's a shame that he can't be bothered to make an effort. I'm not going to blame you because of how you raised him, because actually his father raised him too and clearly failed to model this stuff appropriately. And in any case, he's an adult now and he has to take responsibility for his own shit. But please don't blame your DIL. If you haven't managed to build the type of close relationship with her that makes her want to pursue the relationship, it really isn't her responsibility. It is entirely your ds that is at fault here.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility

This is internalised misogyny. It's not the woman "deliberately" letting the relationship suffer, it's your son. The idea that men need a woman to handle their relationship with their own mother is insane.

I was the keeper-in-touch, the birthday-rememberer, the gift-getter.
Then my husband told me I was “being too generous” with his family.
Then it became his responsibility to be the birthday-rememberer, the keeper-in-touch and the gift-getter.
Arsehole.

I have always had the personality to organise cards and gifts for birthdays and special calendar days for both families, so I take charge of it. I don’t find it a burden. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it.

Used to have this with DP's parents. Don't know when or how I fall into it, but found myself organising cards, flowers, gifts at appropriate times and DP would be thanked for them and not me (he wouldn't say D sorted them).
So I stopped, in a stepwise fashion -I'd buy the card, put it on the table and tell DP it was there and he should sign it. Then I'd moved to reminding him of his Mum's birthday and he should get card etc. Sometimes I'd remind him, sometimes not. Cards were not signed, flowers and gifts not arranged. Guess who got an ear bashing from MIL when yet again DP had 'forgotten' - it wasn't DP. Said I'm happy to send you a card MIL, but it will be from me alone. Your DP can't / won't even when I put the card in front of him to sign.

I'm responsible for my family - he is responsible for his. It is that simple.

OP you're not being unreasonable to want contact with your son's family, but you are being unreasonable to expect your DIL to be that conduit. Challenge your son.

It's not a male thing. There are loads of men who have a very close relationship with their mums, and loads of women who are LC or NC with their mothers.

I've got two adult sons, DS1 is in almost daily contact, DS2 goes weeks without contacting us or replying to texts/answering phone calls. They've had the same upbringing so there no reason. But DS2 has always been incredibly independent from a tiny age so I guess that's part of his nature.

Women aren’t secretaries to their ‘other halves’ and don’t have responsibility to facilitate that side; in your case it’s your son’s responsibility. We (women) have more than enough on our plates as it is.

I imagine you think they should do all the housework and caring for children too because “they know their partner isn’t very good at it”. FFS.

It’s my husband’s responsibility to purchase cards and presents for his side of the family, but I do make sure he does it. They are family and family is important to me. I do keep a stash of cards just in case either of us forget and we have a family diary on our phones that has all the dates and reminders in.

And I have two dd exactly the same. The elder has always been more independent and is not in touch as frequently as the younger.

I think it depends on the relationship. My in-laws are ok but they have zero interest in me. In my culture the DIL is often expected to subsume herself in her husbands family and her family fit around the edges. It involves a lot of chasing for approval, high expectations of being helpful to your in-laws by default. it’s not a give and take relationship at all. My in-laws are on the lighter side of that but I still don’t want to do it. I also don’t like the fact that when we are at theirs I’m expected to pitch in but DH is expected to chill, obviously we don’t do that, he’s perfectly capable of washing up and cooking and he’s happy to do it. I’m not a servant and I’m not modelling that for my DC.

I would have loved to have the relationship with my in-laws that you have tbh. I’m hoping that when DD is older I can have that kind of relationship with any son/daughter in-law that turns up.

My dh does all that stuff for his side, it's not my job to facilitate his relationships

I'm so sorry @TheolderIgetthelessIknow you need to have words with your DS. Tell him how upset you are not hearing from him or seeing his family. He needs to step up not your DIL even though she is maried into your family and should see herself as part of it.

I hope things improve after youve spoken to him.

I think a lot of women are now wise to the unfairness and are doing less, while a lot of men still have a vague expectation that someone else is doing all this... Girls are definitely socialised to do more for others in general and this impacts on them as adults too.
I raise my sons to show a lot of thought for others - however they will not look only to my example, but to that of their father who is a lot more lack lustre when it comes to presents and gestures. This shouldn't be another "blame the mothers" thing.

I think this infantilisation of men is unfair to them and unfair to women. Men are equally as capable of buying a card or arranging a get together. They are fully functioning human beings who can hold down jobs, have mortgages, and buy cards. It’s really not beyond them to pop into Clinton’s once in a while. Where there are gendered roles in a relationship, where one person stays at home and does the bulk of the chores, then maybe there is an argument then, but where partners are working close to full time, wrangling children through clubs, parties, dentists, etc. then responsibility for communicating with family rightly should rest with both of them

I think it really depends on the relationship. If my mother in law goes out of her way to make life difficult…why would I make the effort? If she were really lovely and supportive, then I definitely would.

I love my PILs, they love me. We have a great relationship. My husband also loves his parents and that’s why he buys all the cards, presents etc. I buy for mine, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love my parents.

We’ve often asked each other to post a card if they’re on their way out, and we’ve asked each other to pick up Christmas presents - but we don’t expect each other to remember birthdays of our family and sort out cards.

My husband is amazing at remembering people’s birthdays, he knows all my family’s birth dates. I’m awful at it, but I set a reminder on my phone calendar, I don’t expect him to keep reminding me.

I am in my 50s ,am very fond of my PILS but have never taken responsibility for cards ,presents etc ,nor would my DH expect me too ,

You have a DS problem.

My DH is one of 3 brothers. All of them and his parents are exceptionally shit at communicating with each other. I really don't think they talked to each other growing up

I did put the effort in, in the early days, but I gave up because why should I do all the work? I will not take on even more. I do WhatsApp with my SIL (married to one of the brothers) who finds their communication style as frustrating as I do.

Due to all of this, we hardly ever see his side of the family, maybe twice /3 times a year. When my DH says, shall we meet my family, I will always say 'absolutely' and let him arrange it. I don't stop him from seeing his family but neither do I actively arrange it. I already do 80% of stuff in the home - why should I do more. We see my family much more, even though they live much further away, we WhatsApp most days.