'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

I think you should try to have some solidarity with your dil and support her position of not giving into the misogynistic nonsense that women are obliged to pick up both their own share of the family work, but also the bits their male partner doesn't fancy.

It's a shame your ds isn't pulling his weight in the family. That is the issue to address, the only issue.

Time for a conversation with your ds, I'd have said, about how you can connect more.

I get it, but if this is the case, I hope you sign the cards from Userjal- not Userjal & Userjal’s DH. If it’s the latter, all you’re doing is giving him an excuse to be rude and thoughtless.

It is absolutely down to your sons laziness.

Men will never take on these responsibilities if women keep stepping in and doing it for them.

Sounds like your son needs to man up and start taking ownership over maintaining his relationships with HIS family members. He’s a big boy—he can do it. And his wife is not his personal secretary.

I don't want to kick you when you're down but it does seem like your son has turned out this way (spoilt, apathetic and has no regard for you/doesn't value you) because you've brought him up this way, to expect women (mother/wife/sister) to do things for him.

As per similar previous posters, if you've had your efforts picked apart and felt walked over if it then falls apart when you leave it to the DH, oh well.
Being genuinely nice to DIL, not wanting 'my go' for holidays and 'turns' of having children goes a long long way.

The remarkable thing about humans and the human brain is we can all get very good at things we practise. If men can be top networking salespeople forming and nurturing leads (connections), and run major companies and projects, they can keep in touch with their mums. They just, frankly, can't be arsed, because women have always done it for them.

Women used to be seen at useless at work, and men as useless at cooking before the rise of celebrity male chefs. We now know there aren't really gender based brain limitations for being good or bad at certain areas of life.

It's not really your "fault" morally but in terms of causation I'd say you definitely contribute to it by believing your poor son is so incapable and only his wife can keep on top of it...

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

Or we could stop expecting women to take on the responsibilities of men who can’t be bothered to do it themselves. It’s not that they’re useless, it’s that they choose not to bother and hope their partners will do it instead. I occasionally remind my DH that the kids haven’t seen his family in a while (usually when it’s been over a month) but I’m not going to go out of the way to arrange it when he can’t be bothered. It’s just another thing that becomes the woman’s responsibility.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow if you want things to improve with your son then talk to him, and tell him your disappointed in the way things are. And don’t pull your daughter up on the situation with her MIL, if anything i’d point out to your SIL how it hurts you when your son doesn’t bother. We need to start pulling men up on shitty behaviour, not excusing it as they just useless with that stuff, they aren’t useless, they’re just brought up knowing they can get away with it.

You need to take this up with your son. Not your DIL. If you’ve got a useless son, it’s not his wife’s job to make up for his uselessness. She has her own responsibilities (none of which resemble being a second mother to him). Why should she carry a greater (or lesser!) burden than him on any front?

Lol I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this anymore!

And in fact, why wouldn’t you take this up with him? Why do you spare him your distress at not being kept in touch wrt your grandchildren? He’s being grossly unfair to you and to his children through his sheer lack of effort and care. It’s criminal. I’m upset for you. This is really no way to treat your mother.

I can't stand all this constant blamey nonsense flying around the Internet these days. Areseholes aren't always the results of their parenting.

The misogyny is real! As the DIL in this scenario I suppose once upon a time it was more common for the wife to stay at home and take hold of the ‘duty’ of staying in touch with the family and all other family related things such as remembering birthdays etc.

nowadays it’s more likely the woman has work and other things that have long since replaced their ‘role’ as remembering everything on behalf of their dh. If dh cba that’s on his mum imo, my dh cba and that’s because his mum raised him as boys will be boys and ‘ahhh well he’s a man I suppose’ kind of style. And now she moans about never being contacted by him. Because of her own misogyny she hints I should be holding their relationship together. No thanks I have enough on my plate.

I keep in touch with my MIL and sibling in laws as I’m friendly with them but never do their birthdays or gifts. They rarely get them. It’s not my responsibility. My DH doesn’t get anything for my family, so why should I?

Your DS probably keeps up with his weekly mates gathering in the pub or at football just fine. He somehow doesn't need your DIL's help to schedule and prioritise that. Like magic isn't it?

Haha this is not going to end well for you @TheolderIgetthelessIknow, quite literally you have just outed yourself as "that MIL"...

Men are fully capable of maintaining the relationships that are important.

It is not your DIL's place to keep you informed. That falls to your son.

Perhaps stop clutching your pearls and deal with the actual problem...your son.

This isn't your DIL's problem to solve.

Your dd clearly manages to stay in touch with you, your DIL manages to stay in touch with her parents.

Your son is the one who is not maintaining as much contact with you as you would like.

He is the one you should address it with if you want things to change.

Your DIL is likely either taking her lead from him or they have figured out best way to manage relationships with 2 sets of parents is for each to manage with their own parents. Do you think your son is buying birthday cards for his FIL?

How involved is your DH at staying in touch with both children? Is most of the communication between you and your daughter?

Can't you write a Birthday card if you have a penis? I'm early 50s and don't even have MIL's phone number.
My DSs don't forget special events, nor does my DH. His DM hasn't received a gift in years. She trained him. I think you get what you accept.

It sucks doesn’t it.

I hate that my husband is so appalling at staying in touch with / planning / including his family. I don’t want that modelled to my children! He really sucks at it though. So I do it. We had an explicit conversation in which he acknowledged he sucked, I said I’d do it - but that he needed to recognise it as work and pull his weight in other ways.

to his credit he does. He’s very appreciative - and I get favourite DIL status for making and effort and my children get a good relationship with two extra adults who love them. It’s win win win.

sorry that your son + his wife don’t make time + space between them.

You dont talk about your son in law - does he contact you off his own bat like you are expecting your DIL to?

I think it all depends upon people's circumstances. Depending upon physical location, the employment (hours, flexibility and location) and of course personality - it is not clearcut as to whose job it is to make or maintain contact with in-laws.

I'm another one who did this job at the start of the marriage and then stopped about 10 years in when it was obvious neither my DH nor the PILs appreciated it.

I knew that my family's relationship with my MIL and FIL would fall apart if I didn't take care of it. I took care of it for ten years until I decided they could reap what they sowed.

I was invisible as far as my MIL was concerned, so I decided to be invisible indeed. If she missed the contact, it was her fault for not building a relationship with me, like my mother had.

Nice!!

I'd be utterly disgusted with myself if I treated my dhs side of the family any different to my own.