'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Not allowing your DS to get away with only being in contact when he wants something would be a start

So glad I'm not the only one who picked up that the son actually is in touch, but as OP said "he literally only gets in touch when he wants something - usually money"

I guess the obvious thing would be to be less ready with the handouts, but maybe having got into this situation OP feels it's the only way to guarantee seeing him now?

Yes, it is a thing that women have stopped being doormats and picking up responsibility for stuff the men should do.

The way you are viewing this is very topsy turvy and does not reflect well on you.

I'd start with your son. Expend the energy there and not thinking about DIL This is nothing to do with her.

Why are you assuming men can’t learn to do better?

we currently have a bunch of grown up men who have watched their mum do all the admin, and that’s why they’re rubbish at it - they don’t think it’s their job. But at least if the women aren’t doing it, their kids won’t get that lesson. They all have a better chance of realising they’re responsible for their own relationships.

My SIL did this and surprisingly the only gifts I get (if at all) are obviously thoughtless and generic.

When I was younger my brother used to just sign his name on my cards, so I started getting "from your daughter" cards and it was never brought up. We get nothing from my dad at all.

So I 100% blame my parents for this. Luckily I don't really care about gifts I would rather a phone call, but my mum really does and it upsets her.

The father's not on here yapping about it, is he? Probably couldn't give a fuck, just like her son. She's reaping what she's sowed.

Are you blaming a woman for a grown man’s failings here? He’s an adult, capable of making his own decisions.

She's enabled him to behave in this way. Once she stops enabling him, he might change. So far, she doesn't seem to want to stop enabling him. She's set the expectation and he's fulfilling it.

I used do do it and saw my smile do it for her mil whom was very unkind to her, but my df would never ring his dm or see her.
My dm did it and took me to see her.
I did it with dh parents, always encouraging him to call and pop in.
The moment contact lessons, it's my fault.

I should have left it how he wanted it at the start of the relationship.
I interfered and I set false hopes up.

Men are only useless because women let them be. Good for your DIL.

you've raised a thoughtless, mercenary son - and you expect the woman that's had the misfortune to marry him to compensate for his lack of empathy and manners?

"women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'."

That's because women got wise to "weaponised incompetence". Now please stop peddling the myth that men 'can't' care for others.

Personally I don't see it as "work" communicating with my family. Because when I married my DH "his" family became my family and vice versa.

Although to be fair he doesn't leave all the birthday cards etc to me we just do it between us. He might pick up some cards, I might do it etc etc If he just left me to do all of it that would probably annoy me a little, but I like "his" family and I think family connections are important for us and particularly for any children in the family so I would want to foster those relationships even if my DH was crap with it.

But I still send birthday and Christmas cards to my adult DS's lovely Nan and I split from his father when he wasn't yet school age.

I used to do it ALL, despite having abusive in laws. DH still got the cudos & thanks. Often I'd have to remind him 10 times to call!

It ended up making DH so thoughtless my 40th was met with with a 'so, what are you buying yourself?' and went off to work & then his hobby & couldn't understand why I was upset. He'd gotten the huge party he'd always wanted for his 40th.

So I stopped. I even had comments from MIL about how 'we'd' forgotten their anniversary (meaning me). I told her to talk to her son if he forgot as it's his responsibility. Oddly, she respected that & started putting the onus on DH.

DH started stepping up, because he was getting the pushback for forgetting instead of me. My MH has improved & my birthday now gets remembered. He's rubbish at gifts, but he remembers.

Men are perfectly capable & if we want equal relationships then we have to expect them! That's my rant, but for me it didn't just cover birthdays, but the entire mental load.

Maybe I’m a bit of a people pleaser but if someone, say mother in law or sister in law sends me or my children a card, present etc I feel like it’s only good manners to send one back, if my husband’s forgetful he’s forgetful but why should I be rude and not reciprocate a gift or card when it’s their birthday/anniversary when they’ve been kind enough to remember mine. I think it’s just basic manners wether it’s my mother in law, a friend, colleague etc

His behaviour is his responsibility. She can set boundaries for sure depending on what she is happy to accept. But his behaviour is not her responsibility.

Basic manners are expected of you, but not your husband? It’s ok for your husband to be forgetful, but for you it would be rude?

That is… exactly the problem this thread has tried to explain

Amen to this.

Your son is the one dropping the ball here, not your DIL. Have a chat with him - tell him you expect better of him.

As an aside, getting in touch when he needs money is troubling. It sounds as if he isn't doing a good job of managing his life.

But op is ok with her DD not having any constant with her PILa but complain about DIL when she does the same.

You haven’t understood what I wrote, if my mother In law sends me a birthday card, why would I be awkward about sending one back. Just like if a friend sent me a card, I’d send them one back. Same with my children, if someone shows kindness towards my children I’ll show kindness back

I also understood that you wrote ‘if my husband is forgetful, he’s forgetful.’ why isn’t he held to the same standard that you hold yourself?

I did exactly the same but a bit later.
My husband got grumpy about even signing the cards I put under his nose without key asking at least twice so I got to the point of "sod this!" and haven't looked back. No big announcement but I let it all go. It was ridiculous sending long lists of cards, envelopes, stamps and posting them. I never even knew them or liked some of them so how ridiculous looking back!!
You need to tell your son to get his act together and step up to his family responsibilities for you and the grand children and not to be so selfish. Good luck xxx

Because we are separate people and if he doesn’t have the manners to reciprocate a card or gift doesn’t mean I can’t

The language used around family is really depressing here: 'admin' 'chore' 'shit', mental load...wife work..

Op I'm sorry your son and DIL aren't kinder. It's not a situation I recognise in my life or actually, among my friends.

Why, though? Why put it all on the woman? If you read my post history, you will realise that I am very very far from the usual 'blame the man' style Mumsnetter, and I am the first to call out when women expect too much and blame men too much. This is not one of those times. You can be as 'perplexed' as you like, the point is that it is not your DIL's responsibility, nor is it your daughter's to keep up with her in laws.

I spent years communicating with my MIL. I invited, sent pictures, reminded DH to be in touch with them. Nothing I could ever do was good enough or enough.

Bottom line: MIL failed to build a relationship with me, was critical and clearly wanted me out of the way so she could be #1 with the grandchildren. In the end, I decided I'd had enough of being treated that way and told DH it was his job to deal with them now.