'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

The absolute worst thing about this thread is the son/daughter comparisons. It shouldn’t matter if it’s a son, daughter, son in law, daughter in law. They’re all adults and should send cards to, message and visit people they love.
The expectation that women should do this work is the fundamental problem. I would not arrange cards and gifts for any adult men or women in my life.

I usually do all the christmas presents, because I love christmas shopping and my PILs. Also I no longer have my parents so it is nice to have someone to buy for. I remind my husband about birthdays etc, but he usually doesn't get anything as he usually forgets even after reminding him several times. I feel that as I work full time it is not my job to buy presents for every single birthday for my SIL and BILs.

The only way you can tell whether its her influence or not is considering his behaviour prior to them getting together?

I get frustrated that it's always us making the effort, arranging to see in laws, suggesting dates etc.

I care about my in laws but I don’t take responsibility for sending them cards and gifts. Unfortunately my husband is less than good at remembering (even if I remind him!), so I get the cold shoulder. Don’t blame your DIL!

exactly @DodoTired. It’s strategic incompetence as they say

Men aren’t inherently useless at these things. A lot of them just think it’s not their job. Even if it’s sending a card to their mum for her birthday.

I think it is weird not to attempt to offer your LO equal access to their GPs on both side.
Yes it is sad if a man can't be bothered to facilitate the relationship between his children and his parents isn't it? (Assuming there's no good reason for that of course.)

My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all.
It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

If anything, your DIL sounds a much nicer person than your DS for not being such a grabby selfish user.

I'm a nearly retired mum and when I was first married I did the buying presents, cards etc for my in-laws. Then I stopped because I figured his family, his responsibility. He wouldn't have dreamed of buying my family presents or cards but was perfectly happy to leave his family to me. The breaking point was their ridiculous Xmas card routine. It was expected that each of my children sent a card to grandma, a card to grandad, a card to aunty and a card to great grandma. As my children were tiny I was buying 12 Xmas cards. That he then gave out. Frankly, I just thought fuck this.

My brother is like your son. Will be all over mum when he needs childcare or money or their car, but then will go weeks without even a text message as sil prioritises their free time for her family and friends. This is despite mum giving her regular calls to check on her, being her rock in a way she was never with me after childbirth, and buying her birthday presents / christmas presents etc.

Things have gotten better as the kids have gotten older and insisted on doing things with their friends & now DNs talks to mum and arranges things with her seperately. But I think it’s because mum made the effort for so many years and so sil doesn’t have a bad word to say about her.

To me, however, mum was a narc and toxic and so I grey rock her. She does have a relationship with DS and DSD but it’s on my terms.

Thanks everyone. I've stopped reading the comments now. But at least I know it is a thing, so I won't take the lack of interest on DIL's part personally.

What a maddening response! Will you be speaking to your son?

If you answer nothing else... What have you done to address it with your son? Why would you not talk to him about seeing him?

I spent the first few years of my marriage making an effort with my in laws but it was met with hostility. My female in laws were incredibly indifferent & rude so I gave up trying. I'm not saying that you are rude but there are different reasons why people don't continue with relationships.

You take it up with your son. Not blame your DIL!

Men are not ‘useless at this sort of thing’, they have historically been allowed to be useless at this sort of thing. It’s not a woman’s job to mother her husband into not allowing his relationships to fall apart, it’s his mothers job to raise him to do it. So the fact you took all that on taught your son that’s what women do. And now you are seeing the result of that in action.

Easier to guilt trip woman than to make men care. Tale as old as time.

But it IS at least partly your fault. Yours and your sons. The only person whose fault it isn’t is your DIL.

I know my son could care more

If your son “could care more” whose “fault” is that?

You are reaping what you’ve sown, and it’s not up to other women to make up for that.

We have, jointly, 40+ nieces and nephews and almost as many siblings and spouses, plus our respective parents. No, I won’t do the mental load of taking care of comms with his family as well as mine. My DH happens to do well and staying up to date with his family but if he didn’t I wouldn’t be bothering myself about it.

My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL.

Your daughter is doing it too then, not just your son.

It’s like that in our household too but DH’s brother and dad are both awful at initiating contact and it gets really draining for DH trying all the time. So he doesn’t as much anymore, but if they do talk it’s always DH initiating. I don’t get in touch either as DH’s dad hates me so why would I.

I have 2 boys and a girl. Obviously I hope they all keep in regular contact. DH is good at doing so but all his male friends and family aren’t so as reluctant as I am to say it, maybe it IS a man-thing. But with DH as an example hopefully my boys will keep in touch with us.

I think sometimes women can’t bear the thought that their son is thoughtless or doesn’t really care and so it’s easier to blame DIL. FWIW I did initially make effort especially with things like cards/gifts from the grandchildren but never got any thanks so stopped bothering! I also never received so much as a text on my 1st mothers day/during pregnancy to see how I was etc so I think the effort works both ways.

Is it laziness on your son's part, or is the lack of contact indicative of a fractured and/or distant relationship?
In my limited experience, both men and women make effort with the family and friends they most value.
Your post sounds quite clinical, focusing upon the lack of effort (described as 'laziness'), devoid of emotion around the issue of a somewhat distant son.
If you and your son aren't close, your DIL isn't really going to make much effort, is she?

I don’t understand this at all. Why can’t MIL make the effort then?