'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

You said it was harsh when someone said you'd raised your son. And maybe it was. But you seem to have the expectation that it is a woman's role to deal with all of this. Well, your son was raised to believe that family isn't his responsibility. By you.

IME boys like this are raised by parents who give a sexist script to them. Maybe DIL was raised by feminists who told her not to do all the work in a relationship. You could have raised your boy that way too. I know lots of men who call their parents and arrange things.

To the women saying they get on with PIL hence they do it, because DH is "useless at this". Please understand you are literally enabling them to do nothing, you are also providing a sad future if you have sons looking at you reiterate it is "women's work".

How on earth are these men managing to get and keep jobs? Are they all in some sort of supported employment?

Nothing in expecting their own child to lead in communication and presence and presents detracts from your relationship and your communication etc. It isn't either or, it simply is to acknowledge it isn't fair or appropriate to expect your Childs partner to be responsible for your happiness.

So if your daughter couldn't be bothered to contact you, would you expect your son in law to pick up the slack? You're acting like men are incapable of sending pictures or calling their own parents. Lots of men maintain a relationship. Women are right to not do all this for feckless husbands. I think you would be better off having a chat with your son about how he is disappointing you with his carelessness.

I remind my husband to do his family admin.

If my kids ask me to invite his parents to something, I do it as the children have asked. If MIL texts asking for something I always respond. I will occasionally te t her as well about things.

Visiting them at their house almost always goes through my husband

ETA: we keep very similar routines to my family as well

Well, I'm absolutely useless at that sort of stuff too. I sort of keep up with it with my family, but there was no way in hell I was going to take it on with his family! So, his/our relationship with his family was up to him to facilitate.

Why are you blaming a woman for a man’s behaviour?

I have never gotten involved in my husband’s relationship with his family. He gets in touch with them to arrange visits and vice versa. He knew them for decades before I came along so why on earth would I be the point of contact? I have no idea what he buys them for Christmas or if he sends birthday cards. If he doesn’t I think that’s shameful but it is nothing to do with me.

I have been married over 40 years. My husband has always taken responsibility for communicating with his family etc. I get on with them but have never taken responsibility for buying them presents or cards, remembering when it's their birthdays or keeping in touch because they are his family and it's his role not mine

My husband always did cards, presents, keeping in touch before he knew me...

I have stopped arranging things including birthday cards and presents for my husbands side of the family about 2 years ago. He had left all xmas presents, cards, birthdays to me for the last 15 years and I've had enough.

Her fault was not raising her son to do his own life admin.

To not encourage him to want to have a relationship with his family.

Why is it a DILs job to finish raising your son for you?

I am really close to my family and was really surprised that my husband barely speaks to his parents.

I therefore made a real effort organising cards, presents etc, inviting them to visit.

However over time it’s become very obvious that they just… don’t care. They give so little of a shit about us that I’ve stopped bothering because it’s so one sided. We told them I was pregnant (after several losses) they said all the right things about wanting to come down, so happy blah blah blah and then I didn’t hear from them for nearly 2 months.

Whereas my parents ask us both how we are, offer help and support, my dad texts my husband more regularly than he texts me! They are kind and welcoming and involved in our lives in a mutual way.

You get what you give.

Yes, its just your son’s laziness, sorry! You have to be more proactive yourself!

im the same. My plate is so full, I don’t have mental capacity to manage my husband’s relationship with his side. I do a little but it pisses me off that it is automatically a woman’s job. The f*ing thank you cards too 🤦‍♀️ my side doesn’t do this nonsense, so I really resent that im saddled with them for his side.

You have a deeply ingrained misogynist mindset.
You say that men are ‘useless’ at contacting their own parents but somehow that is the woman’s fault?
Utter rubbish. Men are perfectly capable of contacting their own family. Some just choose not to.
Women are not ‘deliberately’ letting those relationships go. They are simply treating their husbands as grown ups who can run their own lives.
If MILs miss out then they should speak to their sons about it.

Do you actually have a good relationship with your son?

My DH was (and still sort of is) a little rubbish and I used to tell him that he needed to call his mother / buy her flowers for her birthday etc. I resented the fact that I had to do this, but I did it because I felt sorry for his mother.

HOWEVER, the fact that you did the same for your PILS probably told your son (subconsciously) “that’s not my job. That’s wife work”. It’s not your fault as you probably weren’t particularly conscious of it - it’s a hard cycle to break.

I do not want my son to see keeping up with family as “wife work” and have had many conversations with DH about it and he agrees. But his own father did nothing, so these subliminal messages have embedded in him, too.

Because of this, I have started refusing to do anything at all that’s his family stuff. His mum does WhatsApp us both to remind him to do something so - presumably - I’ll nag him to do it. I won’t and it annoys me. I am sick of carrying all the mental load because I’m a woman.

DH is getting better, we’ve talked about it and the things we want our son to grow up and see.

Anyway, your DIL might be refusing to take the entire mental load and good for her.

But you’re not powerless here even though it might feel sad. Get in touch with your son more - start calling him up weekly for chats, make it a habit, invite them both to things, offer to have the children regularly (if you want that anyway). Make yourself part of their lives more. Be kind to the DIL.

But that's the point, it really isn't their responsibility, it is the blokes responsibility to keep in touch with his own family.

Quite simply women are starting to push back on constantly picking up the slack for shit men, and more importantly being EXPECTED to pick up that slack.

If families have an issue with their sons being shit, they should take that up with their son NOT their daughter in law

You just need to show more initiative in contacting your son/DIL for updates. Arranging visits etc

you don’t need to sit and wait all the time etc

This is my view as well. They are perfectly capable of doing well at work. They just can’t be bothered to do family gifts, and it isn’t acceptable that this just adds to the load that women take on. I fell into doing this when first married.

My SIL does not, however, and I admire her for it. My DB sorts out cards and gifts for our ‘side’ and always has done.

I now take a hybrid approach. I sort out DH’s SIL and our niece and her DC as I enjoy getting children’s things in particular, but DH is responsible for all the men and - crucially- his own mum. My DM is long dead and I have reminded (guilt tripped?) DH that he is lucky to have a mum and needs to get off his arse and choose a gift for her. I will remind him two or so weeks before. If he forgot, his DF I’m sure would tear a strip off him- he’d never do it again.

knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing,
I am perplexed at this statement. My DH has always arranged things with his family to involve me and the DC, and seeing this example my DS does the same with us now.
You reap what you sow.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow

Why haven't you spoken to your son and told him how you feel, asked him why he doesn't contact you or send cards etc?

Do you not feel it is your place to do so, do you fear what he will say, do you think he just doesn't care?

I don't see why all the hand wringing over what the DIL does or doesn't do - he's your kid, you want a relationship with him, you need to talk to him!

I won’t do emotional labour like cards for my spouse’s side of the family. He’s never done a card for anyone on my side of the family so why should I?! It’s a feminist issue to my mind.

FWIW I really love my mother in law and she was first on the scene when my children were born (before my own parents) because, frankly, she has more chill than my folks. We love and see them all equally. My spouse is very good with birthdays etc generally - probably a little better than me actually - and understands about emotional labour etc. He also calls his mum every week. His sister doesn’t call or do cards. She’s actually very loving and great in other ways though.

Maybe it’s a comms issue too. I’ve never once invited my parents or in laws to stay with me. It wouldn’t occur to me. They all just come when they like. We don’t live super close and Id worry they’d feel obligated if they were invited. Maybe that’s daft on my part

I understand what you’re saying and I’m sorry you’re in that situation but can’t you see how unfair it is to blame the women and just accept that the men are “useless”? Men aren’t useless, men manage lots of things, but they’re also used to women picking up the stuff they can’t be bothered with.
I completely see why you are sad but any blame you’re placing with your DIL is misplaced. It’s sad that your son can’t be bothered.

This. You need to speak to him about it, as I'm sure you would with your daughter if she didn't keep in touch.

Treat your children equally regardless of sex. Keeping in touch with you is nothing to do with their partners

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL . So of course I keep in touch and posted about her life, my life and the kids life.

so makes it easy to want to do that . She is attentive and shows interest which is half the battle. Phone calls and visits are a delight.

That being said, we see my parents more because a) they live closer and b) I will always have a stronger bond with my parents

I think it is weird not to attempt to offer your LO equal access to their GPs on both side.

And yeah, men are not useless at these things. They can manage with these and other things at their work! They just choose not to bother with them because women always pick up the slack and because it’s socially acceptable for them not to bother