'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Well clearly your son is perfectly capable of keeping in touch when he wants something from you so surely he should be at other times.
Yabu massively so.

This. It is not the responsibility of your son’s wife to do the job you and his father should have taught him and your daughter to do.

To late to edit, I meant son, not sonny. Sonny was autopopulate and I'm sorry because it reads really meanly which was not intended.

I like my fiancé‘s mother. She’s rather lovely!

but I am not responsible for keeping up communication with her / my SO’s family. I will not remind him to visit her, buy her a present etc. I do not suggest that we visit and very rarely suggested we invite her.

why? Because I know that I’ll end up doing everything if I’m not extremely careful. She’d be calling me if my SO didn’t respond in time, make plans etc. Suddenly I’d be expected to remind him to buy cards (or even buy them). And I need to protect myself from taking on that kind of mental burden.

I am already used to this kind of dynamic with my family (my grandmother contacting me because my father doesn’t call her / respond, my aunt calling me because she and my mother are NC etc).
I will not allow that to happen again.

This exactly.

Made it to six replies in before someone suggested it’s the Mothers’ fault. Of course Fathers play no role in the upbringing of their children.

I can't imagine why I would send cards to my MIL. I'll sign them, but that's very much her son's job.

Would you expect him to buy cards and gifts for my mum? If not, why not?

OP, you’re obviously getting a hard time here (not that I disagree with posters, but it must be hard for you to read).

But I’d love to know - WHY don’t you just phone your son and talk to him about it? If he hasn’t texted you in a month, message him - “Send me some pics of the grandkids! It’s been ages! I like to know what they’re up to each week.”

With birthdays, if you know he’s crap and forgetful, message him the week before: “It’s my birthday on the 14th, can we meet up for a pub lunch? I’d love to see the grandkids.”

Talk to your son about it! Why haven’t you? Is it because he’s a man, and you think he’s too important to bother? He’s your child. Can you not talk to him about this stuff?

Yes, @ABirdsEyeView but in this case the OP has raised a boy and a girl into very outdated sexist roles. And is irked that her daughter isn't facilitating her in laws. The irony that she doesn't expect the same from her son is sad.

But it's not "letting relationships suffer". It's letting them take a natural course.

Would it not be weird and pointless if you got more contact from your son because your DIL was pushing him (and probably damaging their relationship)?

Why not talk to your son?

And please stop telling off your DD for her relationship with ILs. That's between them.

It's 2024, I'm trying to be kind but I find it hard to get my head around what you've said.

I wonder what the correlation is between men who treat their Mothers like crap and are rubbish Dads and husbands? I couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t kind and thoughtful to his Mum.

You what? I'm not my husband's PA so he can manage his own admin. Why on earth should your daughter in law be expected to deal with you whilst your son does shite all? Your misogyny is disappointing really.

I always do the cards and presents for DH's family, probably because we had children very early on and they were quite involved. I know DH is crap with that stuff and just wouldn't get them anything, but they always got for me and the kids so it only seemed fair and polite. I've resented this a lot over the years, because it's a hassle and wife-work but I don't regret that I had a lovely relationship with MIL while she was alive (actually better than DH did) and was able to give her gifts (from the grandchildren, really) that made her smile. So I guess what I'm saying is, it's been worth it.

I think it all depends on the family dynamics.

I love my PIL and my MIL is like a second mother to me. I speak to her on the phone, organise bday cards and if I'm out with the kids without DH (working) I will invite her...just as I would my own mother.

But I don't do this 'to pick up the slack' for my DH. I do this because I love her and want to hear how her holiday was or see the photos my FIL has taken on his drone etc.

My brothers wife is the same with my DM (so her MIL). She loves my mum and dad and will go over on her own with the kids, update them on things, just as my brother does

I also dont know anyone in my friendship circle who don't get on well with their PIL and have their own relationship with them, as well as their DH.

It's only on MN that I know of this. But perhaps we're all very lucky to have solid PILs

I mean...OPs views do kind of correlate with what she has said about her sons behaviour...which does make it a reasonable assumption that the son has got his own attitude from his mother..as they both seem to think it is the woman's job to do...

Where I'm from, phones and people can both send and receive texts and calls.

I looked after comms with my DH family for many years, in fact I like them a lot. Many of them live a long way away overseas.

But then came kids and self employment and a doer-upper of a house. I set up a family chat for my DH's whole family, of which I'm part, but mainly I leave them to it.

In more angry times I may have mentioned to my DH that I am not his personal comms manager. In general they don't communicate as much as I'd like, and I do involve myself sometimes. But they all communicate as much as they like now, and that's the main thing surely?

Nasty remark.

The comment about you should have raised your son better is harsh, but based in truth. A lot of mothers put themselves last in the family, they do all the work and don't even expect a birthday card in return. So, naturally, children learn that 1. certain jobs are women's responsibility, and 2. mum doesn't matter. This is just reinforced when they have a father who also treats their mother this way.

For men, this translates to "It's not my job to do this, but it doesn't matter anyway because it's just mum."
For women, it's just more work for them. But thankfully they're starting to wise up and say no to it.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

But it's not their responsibility.

Men can (and do) maintain relationships with their family. Those that don't just obviously aren't bothered.

For the first 14 years of my marriage I took care of both sides of the family, visiting, calling, gift buying and keeping grandparents up to date with everything the kids did.
I didn't get any thanks from in-laws or DH so I've slowly let things slide. I still do gifts because that's something I love doing, I still do majority of cooking and baking for Eid and stuff but I don't do the calls and the visits.
The younger two see alot less of paternal grandparents as a result.
My brother on the other hand is very hands on, his kids see both sets of grandparents more or less equally and very frequently. Sil takes care of her side but makes sure there's always an opportunity for her husband to bring the kids to see my parents. My parents visit all of us often as do we them.
I don't think it's poor upbringing as such but it definitely is laziness on my husband's part or the feeling that I should continue taking care of everything as I used to.
I do feel guilty sometimes but mentally it's just too much and physically I would never get a moment to myself if I didn't hand over some responsibility to him.

My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money

Oh dear.

Has it only been like that since he has been married?

It's sad that you are missing out through no fault of your own. It's no fault of DiL either.

It's a societal expectation that women oil all the relationships in addition to their other responsibilities. Women have stopped doing it.

It's your son's fault and it's him you need to talk to.

I wonder though if the overbearing MiL trope is the result of mothers having to be very assertive with their sons to avoid being left out. So make sure it's your son you are assertive with and be respectful of your DiL.

knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing

Men are only absolutely useless at this sort of thing because they are allowed to be - they aren't useless at remembering information or chores or jobs when it's important to them. Or when they know they are responsible for something with consequences - flights to holidays, their best friend's stag night location, their boss's preference for anything, etc

It's not nature - it's definitely nurture. And that's not all down to their Mums - Dads need to be setting a better example too.

I do fear though that my older three learned the importance of family looking after each other, my younger two are not getting the same lessons.
I sometimes feel we can't win, stick up for ourselves and teach them how to be strong young women, take all the responsibility and show them your a doormat or let them see what caring relationships look like.
That doesn't make sense when I write it down but in my head I'm all confused as to which approach is correct

I used to push my husband to phone his parents. I have stopped now since it is one sided and they don’t even phone him, or their granddaughter on their birthdays. We now put in the same effort that they do. So, we don’t see them very much.