Waste of time holidaying with a disabled person

[justasking111]

I'm really hurt because husband has just said you'll be a nightmare on holiday because you need a new hip. He's sick and tired of dropping me off near our destination and going off to park because it hurts me to walk far.

Our son has invited us to join them on a villa holiday in Portugal. I think husband would prefer to leave me at home.

The thing is I'd be around to watch the children, babysit which husband wouldn't do.

I'd love to be fitter but between my scoliosis and hip issues I admit I'm a bit slow on my feet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to go, my kids and grandkids have no issues.

You deserve someone who would take pleasure in going that extra little bit for you - I’m sorry your dh hasn’t been like that for you. My df got increasingly less mobile as he aged and it was our pleasure to be able to drop him directly to the door, and take care of the parking after all the years he had put in looking after us. And such a small price to pay for the pleasure of his company. Dm and I went on holiday before her knee operation and had the loveliest time enjoying a much easier pace than usual, soaking up the atmosphere. Dh and I take turns to look after each other when we’re ill. Why wouldn’t we?

Your dh is odd in this respect. But it can wear down your self esteem being treated like that, because it sort of erodes your reality a bit. There might not be much you can do about it, right now, but please hold your head high and recognise your self worth. You being so much to family relationships and your son will appreciate your presence. Don’t let your dh being an idiot interfere with you living your best life and enjoying time with your dc and gc.

At the airport, it can sometimes be needed.

My late husband slowed up when his heart trouble hit. We always refused assistance until the time there was a (false) alarm at the airport - he had great difficulty exiting via the emergency stairs as required - lack of speed was th problem.

After that, we took assistance - it made it so much easier with regard to stairs, particularly those that go up to the aeroplane.

I've already voted YANBU. My husband's daughter chose not to invite him to his granddaughter's 18th birthday weekend: "Oh, I didn't think you'd want to go."

I'm fairly certain that she did that because of his disabilities: he'd had a stroke by then, but walked with the aid of a stick (apart from assistance at the airports).

My Aunty was relatively young (early 50s) when she had to have a hip replacemnet. It's hard for her to get around, she has her stick and it's slow going but she manages. We've just adpted our speed and expectations of what she'll be able to do. I don't get why your dickhead husband is being so horrid and unreasonable about this.

It is a dodgy hip, I don't need a wheelchair or a mobility scooter.

@justasking111 I understand that you don't NEED a wheelchair in the sense that you can walk but slowly but I repeat my advice. Ask for wheelchair assistance at the airport. It makes a huge difference to pain suffered and transit speeed. I was a travelling companion to someone in a similiar situation
Year 1 & 2 we struggled with the long walks together - having to stop and sit down at variou points in massive airports.

Year 3 had wheelchair assistance and honestly it was life changing. If you are walking slowly and in pain, it's a big deal to cover long distances eg at airports like Heathrow. Best thing ever did was requesting wheelchair assistance and I wish we could turn back time to do it for years 1 adn 2.

Forgive the crudeness, but your husband can go fuck himself.
Has he ever suffered with a dodgy hip? It hurts like fuck to even breathe let alone walk. I had a broken hip for 3 years, was in a wheelchair, working full time, looking after a 7 year and towards the end, pregnant. I had a full hip replacement when my second was 7 months old.
Never once did my husband make me feel unloved, inadequate or a burden. He did tip me out on the pavement a couple of times when he didn't notice the kerb when pushing me in the wheelchair but overall both him and my eldest treated me with love and care.
Sending you love and hope you can keep your head up.

As I've said in my other comment, it does sound as though assistance at the airport would be beneficial.

Sometimes it's in the form of a member of staff pushing a wheelchair (which - admittedly, my husband didn't really like) but very often it's one of those electric buggies and both the person being assisted and their spouse can then get a lift to the elevator that goes to the plane. It's a game changer.

The last time we travelled, the other people using this service were otherwise able-bodied people who had a dodgy hip or knee.

Tell your husband that as frustrating as it must be for him, to have to put up with your slowness and lack of mobility, he’d probably find it even harder, if it was him with the health problems, struggling to walk and dealing with pain. Ask him if he understands how cruel he is, to be so negative and unsympathetic to something that you not only can’t help, but desperately wish you didn’t have to bear every day.

@justasking111 he’s a prick it sounds like. What happens if you divorce him?

I find these replies a bit weird. The OP drives, has just being shopping, and is cooking dinner. She isn't disabled and doesn't need a carer. She just can't walk that far or fast. I don't think she wants to be less mobile in a wheelchair and why should she? Her husband goes off and does hobbies etc where he can be as active as he likes. He just has to walk a bit slower than he'd prefer when they're walking somewhere together. Which is a bit irritating yes. But hardly to the point where its so annoying that he would be better off leaving the OP at home. I find it odd that lots of people think the OP should modify her perfectly reasonable behaviour (going a bit slower when you're in pain) rather than the husband modify his unreasonable behaviour.

Going by his past behaviour, he leaves the OP with all the slow jobs (walking with toddlers, unfolding buggies etc) anyway so it's clear he has no empathy and no patience.

Of course its horrible to feel like he would rather leave you behind

I'm sure many others have said this but no, you are not being unreasonable. Have just taken a relative who relies on a wheelchair to Portugal and we all had a lovely time. Yes, it takes more planning and compromise all round, but everyone can still have a fab holiday. Our wheelchair person needs a lot of rest but is ok with the rest of us going out for walks when they do that. It wouldnt work if we had to stay in the hotel room with them the whole time that they need to rest. However, we got them out as much as we could and they found that even being able to sit or lie on a sandy beach listening to the ocean is much better than being at home.

Things to note:

1. Book special assistance in advance - airports vary a lot on this but always book ahead when you book your flight. It can make navigating the airport so much more manageable. Gatwick is brilliant, although it is not faster than doing the UK as there are so many fakers trying to cut the queue that the special assistance lane is really busy. It is useful for people who genuinely need it as the needs are met, but it is not faster so allow as much time as usual.
2. Tell hotel/villa/wherever you are staying in advance as they may be able to do things to make things easier.
3. Hire a car or research public transport options - you may not be able to walk far but you can still enjoy a pretty coastal drive to a nice restaurant.
4. Google maps is your friend - use satellite view to figure out which beaches/attractions involve the least walking.
5. Portuguese cities have a lot of cobbles, which are an absolute nightmare for wheelchairs so try to find places where you/someone else can drive quite close to the destination.
6. People are so damned nice. I couldn't get over how many people, locals and tourists of all nationalities, would stop and ask if we needed help when they saw my relative in the wheelchair.

Go enjoy your holiday, take loads of sunscreen and drink lots of water. Enjoy the custard tarts and scenery when you get there!

Assuming you don’t constantly moan about it then he’s being a dick!

You have my sympathies. I’m also a scoliosis sufferer and what’s always annoyed me is all the articles about it saying there’s “mild pain” “slight discomfort” “inconvenience” No doubt nothing to do with the fact a higher percentage of people with scoliosis are female I’m sure.

We teeter on the edge of debilitating pain and limited mobility and having to just crack on with it because we can walk and we can lift. We just do it a bit fucking slower than everyone else.
And if that inconveniences your husband, well he can just go fuck himself can’t he.

You’re a warrior, you birthed three children with a curved spine and already crushed internal organs. Hold your head up high and be proud. And enjoy your holiday, you jolly well fucking deserve it.

All she's asking him to do is not walk so bloody fast!
She doesn't use a wheelchair because she knows damn well that he wouldn't push her in it

Do they do turbocharged mobility scooters?

It would be really funny if you could get one that goes faster than he could walk. That'd give him a taste of his own medicine.

He's a shit, and my ex was just the same when I developed arthitis. We went to the lakes and he moaned like fucking mad because I couldn't walk up Helvellyn.

Jeez. Your ‘d’h sounds like an absolute arse. I had an accident a decade ago, my Dh dropped me off everywhere until I got a blue badge because my boss wanted me to park in the work carpark which involved a fair traipse. He’s never once complained bar mentioning that he’s worried about my future and if I’ll be fit enough to do what we want for retirement.

Go on the holiday and ignore the idiot. He sounds frankly horrible.

Don't fight using wheelchairs or a rollator. It will make your life less painful.

bet if he was the one ill he would feel different.what a mean devil.

Hey OP

Your husband sounds like a miseryguts. I agree with everyone who says leave him at home and go to Portugal anyway.

I am disabled - I have a neurological injury which means I walk with a stick - and my walking is limited but I still have a lovely time when I go away, and I go with friends who don't mind helping when needed or adapting the activities to things I can manage.

This is definitely a him problem not a you problem, but I do get how frustrating it can be if there's stuff you want to do but can't. When I'm with a group, there is sometimes the odd thing I have to sit out and it does frustrate me but I find something else to do instead that I can enjoy, like read a book. It is what you make it.

It's totally up to you whether you use a mobility aid or not and I'm not going to advise you one way or another. It is possible to book assistance at airports. I could manage without for a long time but booked it to see what it was like once and found it made the whole airport experience much easier for me. You book it through your airline and most of them won't ask for any sort of proof or expect you to meet any criteria. I'm mentioning it as something to consider if you don't realise you can do that and it might make it easier, I don't think you should do it just to make your husband happy!

Also there are many great things about going on holiday with a disabled person! Quite often my friend gets a free ticket at events and attractions because the venues consider her to be my 'carer' - I used to find this offensive but they do help me with drinks and in crowds and it makes the whole experience much better value. Some places also let you use special reserved areas on beaches etc which are generally less crowded and easier to navigate so... yeah he's a curmudgeon if all he can see is negatives.

Go and have a great time. Use any assistance you need - don't use it if you don't need it - and have a fab break

In my indignation I forgot to say that you should definitely on the family vacay, your husband sounds like he has no consideration or empathy for you.

Ask him if he would be happy to be left out if he falls off that bike of his and is slowed down by his injuries.

It really does seem to me that you need to leave the fun sponge behind and enjoy your holiday with your family.

This is 😭. You shouldn’t be made to feel like this and of course you should go.

Steel yourself to ignore the jibes and enjoy your son and grandchildren.

😘

My mum was in a similar position refused any kids of aid. Ended up wrecking dad's hip holding onto his arm supporting her weight. She got a cane and things improved then vastly I proved once she got a walking frame on wheels with a seat so she could sit down. She now has mobility scooter. She says she now wish she had mobility aid years ago.
A mobility scooter actually sounds like a great idea as you could keep up with dh and go out and about more

My MIL needs a new hip, she’s very very slow and finds it difficult to go anywhere, FIL just leaves her by the pool with her book if he wants to go and see somewhere, he doesn’t mind dropping her somewhere and going off to park the car, it’s just part of life, isn’t it? I wouldn’t leave her alone with the kids just because if she fell (she has a few times) it wouldn’t be safe or if the kids needed to be chased or picked up she couldn’t do it, but I leave them both with the kids, she’s the brains and he’s the muscle.

Could there be an element of this here. We don't know.

I have a relative with mild impairment, but she does complain and 'milk it' all the time, and as much as I sympathise, I also get her partner's frustration at times.

Honestly OP your husband sounds very inconsiderate!