Waste of time holidaying with a disabled person

[justasking111]

I'm really hurt because husband has just said you'll be a nightmare on holiday because you need a new hip. He's sick and tired of dropping me off near our destination and going off to park because it hurts me to walk far.

Our son has invited us to join them on a villa holiday in Portugal. I think husband would prefer to leave me at home.

The thing is I'd be around to watch the children, babysit which husband wouldn't do.

I'd love to be fitter but between my scoliosis and hip issues I admit I'm a bit slow on my feet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to go, my kids and grandkids have no issues.

Assistance at the airport is bookable and there's no reason with a villa holiday that you cant enjoy yourself by the pool and swim with the grandkids. I'd be letting him know youll be trading him in for husband version 2.0 after you get your new hip!

Do get a GP referral for him for the memory clinic. And get a Blue Badge for yourself. Part of his moaning about dropping you off/parking might be about anxiety if remembering where he's parked. My newly diagnosed NDN is like this and writes down each time she takes her car out where she's parked. Thankfully she's giving up driving this week!

OP, I think you really should think again about getting a cane.

You could use it to whack him round the shins. 😁

He’s abusive. His behaviour is absolutely vile. It’s not any way to treat someone you’re supposed to love.

@justasking111

He walked ahead of you when you were young and struggling with DC. He walks ahead of you now that you're older and have a disability. So it sounds to me as if he's always been this way, selfish and impatient. Was there a 'middle time' (post kids/pre hip) where you were able to keep up with him or has he always just taken off?

As far as a wheelchair/scooter I guess if your only concern is from the time you get out of the car until you board the plane (& the reverse) then I suppose owning a wheelchair/scooter wouldn't be practical. But if a holiday involves walking, then you don't have to 'need' one to use one. DH and I often holiday at Disney. I can walk, but I can't 'go the distance'. I have sudden dizzy spells and I have an ankle that can go out, so for my own comfort and safety I use an ECV. I'm not too 'proud' NOT to make the best holiday I can.

The bottom line for you is that he is not going to change. If he 'resents' dropping you off/picking you up then fuck him, the horse he rode in on, and the stable he's keeping it at. By God, I'd be making him wait by the kerb as I dawdled my way through the airport. Then I'd tell him it was his fault he had to wait because if he went at my pace (or pushed me using an airport wheelchair) he wouldn't be waiting for me at all.

He's a real prick and frankly I'd kick him to the kerb. Life is too short to put up with being treated badly. Why waste the rest of your life dealing with his shit?

I'm disabled... use a stick.. waiting for new hip.
I holiday abroad a lot( few times a year). Sister drives .. and we have a fabulous time..
Or hire a disability scooter?

goodness what an unpleasant miserable git you are married to! So sorry for this. leave him behind and go and enjoy your family.

Do you have a blue badge for parking in the U.K.?
Your husband sounds very inconsiderate. Remind him that one day he may need the help of others!

I agree with all you said except why wait until new hip?

And he wonders why you need new hips... what a joke. Seriously tell him if he's not happy he can stay at home but your going. How you haven't hit the roof is beyond me. I'd be glowing mad

I've just seen your message about memory. As hard as it is has he sought medical advice??

This could explain the thoughtless comment, if he is developing a neurological condition they suffer personality changes.

I want to say OP insist he sees a doctor, there are meds they can give to slow things right down but it's absolutely imperative he attends sooner rather than later.

It sounds like the disability is a red herring and he's just always been a cunt.

LTB

I think there are possibly two separate issues here - from what you said he is and always has been an arse that seems undeniable.

it also seems that you both may have a level of denial about your own health which is making the issues worse all around.

@justasking111 I have similar mobility issues to you but a very understanding husband. I’m also younger.

Id agree that your DH is a selfish idiot but if his memory is failing he needs medical attention and he may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with life.

You also sound, in the nicest way, a bit resistant to any suggestions about making this all a bit easier. Airports can be vast so using the assistance service is brilliant and saves your energy for more fun stuff. It also separates the pair of you so you get to move around in peace.

If a cane is unappealing try a walking pole. I find it invaluable for both my back and hip issues.

If your hip isn’t at the point of needing replacement but is sore then ask about a steroid injection. You might need to pay if you want it anytime soon. I’ve found it very helpful.

I also take medication, rest tons and am quite ruthless at planning my life to make it easier for myself. DH totally gets that. Yours may be a lost cause, but may step up if you discuss this calmly. You can certainly have a decent holiday but don’t give his silly comments any airtime.

Get his memory looked at. Early intervention can be helpful.

Sounds like your husband is a miserable git.

Also I know others have said it but don't be embarrassed to use the help at airports, slightly different but all of our children have SEN but we have always just got on with it at airports, last holiday we registered for extra support and although it wasn't much (priority boarding) it made the world of difference. Life sounds painful and difficult for you at the moment so take a small amount of help, you deserve it.

He sounds nice…

OMG. He sounds like an absolute twat OP. And it didn't start with your mobility issues.
Ignore him and go. Book special assistance at the airport and tell him he can come with you or not. Presumably your son will pick you up at destination. Honestly its brilliant. I did it when I went with my mates to Malaga for a weekend. This was shortly before I had a new hip ( I was 48 then, and like you, had a lot of pain - I could walk but slowly and airports are awful when you can't keep up) They can pick you up in an airport buggy and get you to the gate. (obvs depends on airport how they do things)
Take a visible stick so people know you have mobility issues. Folding ones are useful. Don't be ashamed of it.
Then once you're at the villa, just relax. I would have booked a mobility scooter if needed, but actually we stayed somewhere where everything was close, so I didn't need to walk too far. My friends being actual NICE people never tried to rush me about. Because they are empathetic human beings.
I did end up buying a scooter when I got home, and it was the best thing I did. Then I got my new hip, and life isn't one long round of pain any more. And the scooter went to a new home :)

OP, you mention memory issues bur I wonder whether DH might be showing early signs of Alzheimer's? Irritability, aggression, frustration are all accompanying symptoms, especially if they’ve got worse. I appreciate he sounds as though he may always have been a tricky character, but I do wonder whether you really ought to insist on a GP appointment and assessment?

This sounds so much like my DH. He’s always walked faster than me and I’d be struggling to keep up - or even keep him in sight. He’d stride through airports whilst I dealt with bags and kids, then would put the brakes on when he needed the loo before boarding or when we’d disembarked (we all had to wait for him) then off he’d go again. On more recent holidays, I’ve actually fallen over because I’m rushing over cobbles/tramlines/kerbs in foreign cities. We’ve had sooooo many rows about this as he fails to understand that i simply cannot walk at his pace. He thinks that I’m lazy, and if I tried harder I’d be able to match his pace. He forgets that he’s 6” taller than me so has a longer pace. I’d have to make twice his effort to be able to keep up. We’ve just returned from a holiday where we always have the same row about this. Finally he managed to slow down a bit so I was able to walk at a comfortable pace and enjoy it. (We’ve been together for 37 years and he’s lovely mostly).

Your husband is a nasty cunt.

You seem the opposite. Holiday without him and consider what life would look like without a person like that bringing you down.

Just awful.

You need a new hip, and a new DH

this will be controversial.. Your post is obviously about the holiday - many of the responses are saying your DH is very selfish - I don’t doubt he is based on your post. Of course you don’t deserve to be left behind on the trip. BUT I will say that if you do struggle with your mobility and your husband is helping you a lot in daily life, he is also entitled to a break and some recuperation time. This is about balance in your marriage - you BOTH need some rest and recuperation. It is unfair of you to not allow him that rest occasionally. It is also unfair of him to speak badly to you and not want to help accomodate you when you would like to join a trip. I say this as a child of an extremely disabled parent,and who has watched the able parent absolutely burn out and have no time to regroup. The disabled parent in my situation sounded like you for a very long time and the resentment grew on both sides. IThe answer is to create a field of communication where BOTH your needs are met. I will also say that if you do need your partners’ help physically, his health being preserved is of even more importance as you are both depending on it. So it’s a time for both sides to compromise and become truly understanding and selfless so all needs can be met. Good luck x

You know what is harder...BEING DISABLED.
Some people just aren't cut out to be carers and are self-centred and selfish.
It must be hard looking after an ill relative, but I always look at it the other way... would I do it?
I've been sick a long time and had good and bad partners.
If you truly love them, you love them even when they're ill in bed for months on end.

Wow, unbelievable of your DH! Even if you could do no babysitting! "In sickness and in health" eh! Except the sickness part.

Yes, I know all this hence saying I know it sounds selfish. I actually am disabled (but in a different way). I went on to explain in another post that actually I think what frustrates me the most is the person I referred to isn’t willing to make some changes to help the people caring for him. The OP sounds a like she could be a touch like this, not wanting to use special assistance or get a stick etc. It’s hard being disabled but it’s also hard for the people around you.

Reading this thread again I feel so many of the replies over simplify the context - this is such a deep complex balance to be found when one person is disabled to a serious degree. So many of the replies are saying how selfish the able bodied partner is but it may be more complex than is being seen here on the thread. I know in my case the resentment grew with my able bodied parent (and others to be honest) because the parent who needed a huge amount of physical help didn’t seek medical intervention when it would really have benefited them; and also had a substance abuse issue that left them at serious risk of falls which they also wouldn’t address. So the choices are not always as they seem. I also think that when someone has a disability, it is all people see. Often in my family people would say how awful it was that Parent A had such a disability, but they never mentioned how awful it was Parent A had a substance abuse issue which magnified all the risks of becoming totally immobile let alone what that meant in terms of parenting. Maybe for OP and her husband some counselling would help open the communication and ensure both people’s needs are met. X