Waste of time holidaying with a disabled person

[justasking111]

I'm really hurt because husband has just said you'll be a nightmare on holiday because you need a new hip. He's sick and tired of dropping me off near our destination and going off to park because it hurts me to walk far.

Our son has invited us to join them on a villa holiday in Portugal. I think husband would prefer to leave me at home.

The thing is I'd be around to watch the children, babysit which husband wouldn't do.

I'd love to be fitter but between my scoliosis and hip issues I admit I'm a bit slow on my feet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to go, my kids and grandkids have no issues.

I'm sorry your husband is treating you like shit. ☹️

OP, I think you are both at fault tbh.

I really would not put up with someone literally leaving me walking miles behind them. It is the height of rudeness. My Grandad used to do it to my Gran and she got so fed up with it that she actually used to turn around and walk the other way. She did it over and over again until he got the message. Sometimes she’d go back to the car or walk to a cafe and just let him wonder where she’d gone.

@justasking111

Amusingly the arthritis in his thumb gets more attention. He moans about that daily. But won't phone the doctor.

Yes, I thought that would be the situation with his own aches and pains. He's jealous. Not jealous of your disabilities, no, but jealous that you may need and deserve more attention for yourself than he might get for his own piddly aches and pains. He wants to be the numero uno object of any sympathy. And especially numero uno in having your attention solely directed on his 'needs' instead of your own. It's pathetic. But not uncommon I don't think.

It's along the lines of 'man flu' and the 'dressing gown of doom'. No one can possibly be suffering as much as they are suffering. And if someone is, they need to get over it so they can put their attention back on the man, where it belongs.

Marches ahead, disappears at airports, Duracell bunny, needs to be on the go all the time, too impatient to walk at my pace...

You've just described my ADHD husband.

Bloody hell @justasking111 your husband is horrible. I can't believe anyone voted YABU,

He doesn’t treat you very well @justasking111 . Do you want to stay married to him ?

I think he does have ADHD as does my son. But my son is nicer to be honest and he ironically does have spinal issues so understanding.

It's a waste of time holidaying with a miserable arse like this guy, leave him at home!

The man who died in Greece after walking in a heatwave of 40c when weather warnings had been issued that when I read it made me think that's the kind of thing my obstinate husband would do. He goes walking in the hills every morning with his dogs and doesn't take his phone, drives me mad.

Your husband is a pig

Your DH attitude is appalling

It doesn't have to be terrible. I am attached to a feed 22 hours a day and have a life limiting condition. It's complicated (for me) but i sort it all and it's still enjoyable. I can put it all on a mini drip stand in a purpose built backpack.
I holiday with DH, adult DC, their partners and alone with friends. We have an amazing time. It's all in the planning. Also we all know my limits. I'm happy to rest at times, while they go off and do more adventurous activities or watch at other times. They're always keen to book our next trip so I assume I'm not too much of a burden.

Doesn't sound like your disability stops you being a great Mum and Grandma and I bet you do a good deal looking after him too! I hope the rest Of the family appreciates you!

his selfishness probably holds you back more than any health issue

I’ve just had a new hip, and in the 18 months I was waiting for it, my husband, a super fit 75 year old, and I went on holiday three or four times, including to Portugal.

We had to adapt our plans several times as my arthritis was deteriorating fairly rapidly, and not once - not a single time, for a single moment - did he make me feel bad about that, or the things we couldn’t do, or the slow speed at which we had to do things we could. Quite the opposite, in fact.

And if he’d dared, I’d have told him to piss off, and let me enjoy my travels without him. I suggest you do just that.

@justasking111 Very kindly OP it sounds like he needs a break from being in a caring role. It clearly isn't his normal (or his strength).

You visiting your son in Portugal while he has a break at home sounds like the best of both worlds and then he can go to visit on his own at a later date.

I'm only 57 but back problems mean I have to take frequent rests and struggle to walk far at times. Thankfully DH also has his moments so we have a shared understanding. I hope he is never in the situation where he will need to rely on others. He's going to get a shock!

Tell him how hurt you are by his comments that needing a hip replacement is not something you caused or planned its just whats happened. If hes still being a DH, tell him youre going. He can sort himsrlf out. Book your flight ticket with assistance. Have fun x

@MitskiMoo that's great to hear. I was just trying to think of something that might be tricky with cleaning etc. I'm in the incredibly fortunate position that no one in the family has ever had any ongoing medical issues so I'm not familiar with medical machinery at all.

Remind him of his marriage vows and ask him if he's changed his mind about supporting each other through sickness and health.
If he gets very sick you can stick him in a home rather than caring for him as that's what he'd do to you.

What you need Op isn't a wheelchair, you need a nicer DH. I'd have read him the riot act by now, how dare he tutt at you whilst doing next to nothing to help. Tell him you're going to Portugal and if he doesn't like it he can stay at home alone

Personally, if my DH were like yours I wouldn't give a shit if he went out walking without a phone. Anyone who is that conceited, insensitive, and selfish deserves what they get.

I'd worry about the dogs though. You can get collars that fit with an AirTag. We have one for our dog so if he runs off we can track him.

I'm not being snotty. But why do you stay with him? (Sorry if this has been answered already). If it's financial, I'm not going to look down on you. Many women (and I suppose men) make a decision to stay for financial reasons. But when that happens, one may need to make adjustments in their own life to put themselves first, learn to not care what the other person thinks or says, and learn to mentally tell them to fuck off and then go about doing things your own way.

You can never change another person. You can only change how you react to and deal with them.

When my mum had a broken leg and was in a wheelchair we went on holiday with her and it helped her a lot. We booked wheelchair assistance and chose a suitable resort which was nice and flat with lots of things she enjoyed doing within easy reach of the hotel. My parents had a disabled room.
It's important to get the right holiday in the right destination so everyone can get what they want out of it.

I've ordered a folding walking stick from Amazon so wish me luck. It's important the physiotherapist says for me to keep moving including walking.

The physio is right, 'use it or lose it'. Just don't 'overuse it and still lose it'. You still need and deserve to go at your own pace, stick or no stick.

Best of luck to you. Hope you have a lovely time.