Waste of time holidaying with a disabled person

[justasking111]

I'm really hurt because husband has just said you'll be a nightmare on holiday because you need a new hip. He's sick and tired of dropping me off near our destination and going off to park because it hurts me to walk far.

Our son has invited us to join them on a villa holiday in Portugal. I think husband would prefer to leave me at home.

The thing is I'd be around to watch the children, babysit which husband wouldn't do.

I'd love to be fitter but between my scoliosis and hip issues I admit I'm a bit slow on my feet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to go, my kids and grandkids have no issues.

Could you get a power chair ?

I have chronic health issues and would find his comments very upsetting.

I'm planning a holiday with my husband and our child and we have thought about my disabilities, in that we want an all inclusive hotel and I've said I don't mind if they want to go off on an excursion while I stay at the hotel by the pool on my own. So thinking about the practical side of things and how I will manage doesn't offend me, but my husband would never make a comment like that.

My son’s disabled and has been for a couple of decades and will be for many decades more. Drop him off somewhere in the way, he’s a dick.

You are married to a selfish twat who has always been a selfish twat, so the issue isn't your lack of mobility, it's his lack of niceness.

I do completely get what you are saying about not needing aids - but you have actually confirmed you do, as you want his arm or him to lean on - but you shouldn't be reliant on other people, they can have their own accidents or health issues, then you could be stuffed. Try a self-driving electric scooter. Hire one for your holiday. You might decide it's not for you and it's more trouble than it's worth, or you might find it useful. You won't know till you try.

My friend resisted one for ages, then had an accident and reluctantly agreed to use one. She loves it. Doesn't use it all the time, but it's there as an option for long days or days when they are shopping and it's useful not to have to carry bags.

Don't fall into the rabbit hole of stubbornly refusing to use aids or assistance. The time to try all the options and work out what is a good fit for your lifestyle and needs is now, while you don't need them, not in a panic when you do 🙂

I do most of the driving already. I have zero problems driving.

I've just done an Asda shop alone got back, got everything in and put away. He's off doing his hobby today and expects a nice dinner when he gets back.

It doesn’t really matter what your husband thinks, as it’s your son he invited you away. And he didn’t put any medical restrictions on that invite. Your husband sounds horrid and unsupportive.

Tell your husband he’s being a right selfish prick and remind him of his wedding vows ‘in sickness and in health’

Go and enjoy your holiday OP, a bit of sunshine, relaxation and heat works wonders for chronic pain! DD has scoliosis too and always finds she feels so much better when we’re abroad in the warmth

It doesn’t really matter what your husband thinks, as it’s your son he invited you away.

This they would probably be glad of a ready made babysitter as well - or someone to keep DIL company round pool.

Think about getting some sort of walking aid - helps remind people there's an issue.

A decade ago he was very ill twice, hospitalised three times. I coped with the hospital visits, children, then caring for him when he got home. So I am somewhat resentful I admit.

His insinuating that taking me on holiday is a waste of time hurts a lot.

His memory is not good now, I try to be his memory but he's awkward about it. He bought a new car recently and forgot to insure it until the broker wrote to him. Two weeks no insurance 🙈

That’s probably contributed to your current issues. I’m not saying that it’s the only reason but highly likely it’s made things worse.

Op your husband is a prick and it sounds like he has always been a prick. It doesn’t seem to be related to your mobility. I feel you might be a martyr though as you won’t help yourself now and you didn’t tell him to fuck off then when you were struggling with small dcs and he was marching off in front. I hope you get to Portugal and have a lovely time with your family.

@jujustasking111 A word about airport assistance. I booked it for the first time in February after foot surgery. The team listened to me that I did not need a wheelchair, just to move slowly and not to be jostled by a crowd. In practice this took me to a different and short security queue and then pre boarding via a rather swish bus with a hydraulic lift to the aircraft doors. If that would make your airport transit easier, go for it.

And of course you should go and enjoy the holiday. I hope you do, and that you have a fabulous time.

He sounds like a mean prick who has always been inconsiderate and, if anything, is getting worse. Sorry! Hope you get to enjoy your holiday xx

He sounds like an absolute arsehole taker. Some men should just be left behind and see how they get on.

Your husband should be making things easier for you as my dad did for my mum. All their holidays were planned around her needs but he still did the things he wanted to do.

Your husband sounds like he’s always been a selfish prick and is no different now he’s in his seventies. He’s left you to struggle with children and luggage in an airport because of his obsession with rushing ahead. And tutting fgs! He should be tutting at his own appalling behaviour.
On the holiday front you say he’s got your son to do his trekking activities with, so no more complaints from him.
Please go on holiday and enjoy strolling at your own pace, enjoy your family and sunshine and wine.
He can manage his own feelings about walking paces as they haven’t changed for your whole marriage.

Stop being his memory. Let him foul it up.

Tell him you will help him mentally if he helps you physically.

Don't be a martyr all your life.

But reflect on what you have said about him being awkward about this. Are you also being awkward about your physical limitations? Are you seeing his behaviours but not acknowledging yours?

He can cook himself a nice dinner then, can’t he?

Ok, so a number of things:

Firstly the nhs tends to try to minimise the number of joint replacements that any one person has because each one only lasts for so long and each operation is risky. Friends of my mum are essentially waiting for a couple of years because the nhs would rather wait and do one replacement than do one now and have to do another before they die.

If you want your mobility back it may be worth considering private as nhs isn't going to optimise your health.

Secondly, your dh is an arse. Sorry - I had one like this and he HATED me being disabled as we couldn't go walking across hills as a family. In sickness and in health meant nothing to mine and it sounds like it means nothing to yours.

Thirdly, if you need to lean on him sometimes then you might find some sticks helpful. There are a big variety available these days and they do help people walk further.

Fourthly, I use a wheelchair. My dad who had terminal cancer absolutely refused to use a wheelchair ever. He was stupid enough to say in front of me that he was too proud to use one. I gave him a real Paddington glare. You seem to have a lot of prejudices. Maybe think about getting over them?

I would seriously look at airport assistance. I finally got my mum to agree to it after refusing for years.
She wasn't keen on the bit before security (they take you in a wheelchair to security, but you go through in a special lane, so minimal waiting) then usually onto a golf buggy type thing to the gate.
You could sit in the fast security lane, wave at your DH in the long queue, and wait for him to arrive at the gate while you relax 😀

Can people please stop telling the OP to use a wheelchair and talking about her husband having to be her carer?! @justasking111, I'm sure you absolutely do know your own degree of mobility and you are actually asking very, very little of your husband, frankly. He's being awful and I'm pretty sure your kids and grandkids would be appalled if he left you behind.

My mum used to go on holiday with my dad when he was in the early/medium stage Parkinson's, and my DP and I joined them a couple of times. Yes, my dad's disability meant that we had to be a little more patient when walking anywhere and in considering where we should/could park, and certain types of terrain had to be avoided (he couldn't manage on a beach, for example) but my mum would NEVER have suggested leaving him at home and she would never have said there was no point in going on holiday with him.

If your husband likes to go yomping off at speed and has to be constantly on the go, I'm sure he can have a few days / afternoons where he goes off, either on his own or with your son and/or DIL, while you relax by a pool or play with the grandkids or whatever. Or your husband can take the grandkids off somewhere while you and your son and DIL share a bottle of wine and enjoy a bit of peace. Then on other days, he can have a bit of patience and do things with you. Whatever works. But no, do NOT bloody stay at home while he swans off to the Algarve. He sounds like an absolute shitbag.

I didn't realise until today he resents dropping me off and parking because it just means he walks alone from the car.

Bloody hell that is ridiculous.

No but they would help reduce your discomfort in the interim.
I can see the argument or difference of opinion from both yours and your husbands - but only you two can sort that one!

This!

We are going on holiday with my sister and niece (14) soon. She is disabled (can walk but not particularly far) and has level 3 autism (severe). The idea that she should be left behind because we will have to modify some of our activities is totally alien.
Your husband is being, well, I don't have the words. That he can't be bothered to make a few adjustments for your limited mobility is shocking.