Waste of time holidaying with a disabled person

[justasking111]

I'm really hurt because husband has just said you'll be a nightmare on holiday because you need a new hip. He's sick and tired of dropping me off near our destination and going off to park because it hurts me to walk far.

Our son has invited us to join them on a villa holiday in Portugal. I think husband would prefer to leave me at home.

The thing is I'd be around to watch the children, babysit which husband wouldn't do.

I'd love to be fitter but between my scoliosis and hip issues I admit I'm a bit slow on my feet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to go, my kids and grandkids have no issues.

Thank you

Sounds like you need some help if you always have to dropped off near somewhere or are in pain very quickly.

I'm not suggesting it permanently but as a tool which would make your life easier in the short term.

He sounds horrible he really does, go to Portugal on your own don't miss out because of a miserable man.

Thank you

Your disability isn't the problem, your arsehole husband is.

I don't have to be dropped off he's been offering. I've now realised that it's because he's too impatient to walk at my pace.

I mean this with love as I am also disabled and awaiting a new knee.... but life is incredibly limiting when you have a disabled family member and they don't take steps to adapt and overcome their mobility restrictions. You struggle to walk so why haven't you got yourself a wheelchair or electric scooter? You can take smaller electric mobility scooters and wheelchairs in the plane for free.

Your husband is a twat. I'm disabled with a rare, progressive neurological disorder. I do what I can but some days that isn't much. My dh routinely drops me off and goes to park, helps me up and down steps, opens doors etc., and he never says a word about it, in fact he insists, because we are a team for life in sickness and in health. Your dh should be ashamed of himself.

I became suddenly disabled following an accident just over 5 years ago. Of course it's changed our holidays - it's changed everything. But fortunately my family have adapted to things just as I have had to. I can't walk very well anymore but I can ride my ebike more or less as far as I want,so walking up mountains is out and bike rides are in. We know we might not be able to get round a whole museum these days and some places are too inaccessible. Some days they compromise and other days I know there's something they really want to do so I decide I need a day of peace and quiet reading by the pool to recharge and they can go climb mountains or go windsurfing.
The most important thing about holidays for us is enjoying spending time together as a family. Sounds to me that the OP, her children and grandchildren feel the same and her husband is a selfish arsehole who thinks it's all about him. I agree with everyone who says that it is him who should stay at home. Sounds like everyone would have a better time that way.

I think your DH is being an absolute idiot and of course he should slow to your pace, also he could have some days to do more energetic things by himself while you stay in the villa and chill.

Don't completely dismiss the wheelchair assistance through the airport though, DH had to fly for work when he had a bad knee and crutches, on the way there he insisted he didn't need assistance but it was a struggle so he took it on the way back and it was so much easier, and you get to skip the queues!

My DH is disabled and it sounds like he has more mobility issues than you do , sadly without the likelihood of anything improving. I confess that sometimes I envy other more able couples, and miss the things I wish that we could do together. But we can’t and both have to adapt. I’m the one dropping him off and then parking the car. Which he hates. But we still have wonderful holidays and adapt to suit the circumstances. That’s what you do for someone that you care for.

He's been offering but on a practical level what if there's no space to drop off or if you end up in pain in the middle of doing something. It also sounds as if he's fed up hence his unpleasant remarks.

Changing your ability to do things is easier than getting people to change their behaviours sometimes.

If your post was just having a whinge fair enough.

Well in your shoes I'd tell him that you'll go alone.

He can get on a plane to the Far Side of Fuck Off.
And stay there.

In our family DD is the fastest, then me and then DH if it is just a casual walk (i.e. not running for a bus/plane/train) so we all walk at a pace that everyone is happy with.
It's all about compromise innit
I'll say it again, he's an inpatient dick.
Hopefully you go on the holiday and spend time with your DIL and DGC having fun in/around the pool while he runs off tutting to himself.

Good grief. Was he asleep during the sickness and health part of his vows? It would be disingenuous to deny that adjustments need to be made if a partner develops a health condition or disability, that sometimes you are inconvenienced or can't do something with them you'd ideally like to. But that's tough, isn't it? That's how life works, and if you love and care for them, you adapt to include them.

Very few of us are fortunate enough to live and die at the pace of a healthy 20 something, and your husband may well find one day the roles are reversed and he's the one its a 'waste of time' having along. Honestly OP, he sounds horrible.

OP please don't take this the wrong way but it's possible that your husband is starting to feel a bit like an unpaid carer and taxi driver. It's very easy to let your spouse become your carer.

If you get any disability benefits for your condition how about paying for a taxi now and again so your husband doesn't have to drive.

I am only 55 and have had leg and back problems since I had my DC over 25 years ago, they have got steadily worse and now I also have arthritis in my knees. I don't try to keep up with DH, if we stroll he may walk at my pace, but usually we are 2 people on different agendas, I have just got used to it. He likes to drop me off and go and park the car, although often we park together and go for a walk/stroll and then stop for a drink/meal and he then goes to fetch the car. I don't use a walking stick but I do use a walking pole quite often and it does make a big difference. We go on holiday with family and on our own all around the world.

At airports, I don't use assistance yet, although at Heathrow sometimes I wonder why not. Currently, I just give myself extra time and stop or stand on the moving walkways, DH will carry my bag if I want him to, on the way to the plane he usually walks with me, but on landing he always goes ahead, through immigration and to luggage claim and usually has the suitcases ready for us to go when I get there.

100% this

Special Assistance at the airport.. he doesn't push you in the chair, the assistance person takes care of that. Can you not find it in yourself to make just one small part of a holiday easier for someone else? You'll even get sped through the baggage drop and security queue.

I don't really have much sympathy for you when you're this stubborn and selfish. It's not just about you. You want your DH and your family to work to make things work around you on your terms. Make it easy for them ffs.

I've seen this with family and friends - relationships strained because one of them won't admit they need and are entitled to help, but demand it all the same at other times under their terms (being dropped off at the door, etc.).

I thought tell him to go fuck off elsewhere .. your reply was probably more measured .🤣🤣

Wow. Your DH is a dick!!! You have a DH problem, less of a hip problem tbh.

Unpaid carer, all she is asking is to be dropped off instead of walking from a car park. My FIL used to do that for MIL just to be nice and as a family if we are going out to a restaurant often the driver will drop the passengers off and then go and park.

He's totally disrespectful of you. I remember your previous posts about him.

I definitely think you have a DH problem!

I have arthritis in one foot and had a minor knee injury earlier this year. My DH also is a very fast walker but he slows down when I'm having a bad day and will keep checking to make sure I'm ok.

If I were you I'd go without your DH, enjoy your children & grandchildren's company and take assistance through the airport. It's not just there for the severely disabled and it will give you extra time to board first.

Good grief- how do you put up with him?!
For what it's worth- a close family member has just had her second new hip, as well as having scoliosis, so I have some understanding of your limitations and what you are going through, though obviously not at first hand.
Ignore those other posters making out it is somehow your fault he is being a twat.
He sounds very selfish- but unless you are going to leave him, you will have to manage him. I assume over the years you have told him in no uncertain terms how he makes you feel?
If you are certain he won't help you, book extra assistance at the airport, and get one of those lightweight folding electric scooters- that will give you some independence so you don't have to ask him. You don't have to use it if it's a good day, but it gives you the option. If anyone asks you, tell them you like your independence and can't really on"D"H to help you get around.
Go on holiday, do what you want to do at your own pace and just let him stride off on his own. I hope you have a lovely time.