Would you send this message?

[dramalamma]

Background is DS is just finishing up primary and really looking forward to starting his neW secondary school in sept. He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year and the school haven't handled it very well - to the extent that the other parents dont know about it.
He's been really looking forward to this new start so i was a bit dismayed to be added to a whats app group of other mums in the year (most of whom i dont know) who's kids are all going to the same school - there are quite a few. Theyve all been talking about how wonderful it will be that their kids all know each other etc etc and im now panicking that this attitude towards him is going to spread to rhe new school.
I want to send the following note to the group - would i be reasonable to do that or is it going to make things worse? Happy to accept suggestions for amendments too!

Hi all, Im going to stick my neck out here and ask you all a massive favour. My son DS has had a really tough time at school this year. You’ve probably not heard anything about it but the whole class has been involved. He’s basically become the class (and beyond) target to the extent that they will all ignore him and play a game at playtime called “stay away from DS”. As far as we can tell the only thing he’s done to deserve this is be a bit different and be an easy target having only joined the school later.
Im not writing this to blame anyone - I’m sure none of the ringleaders are in this group but they have all been involved because pretty much everyone in the class has.
The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to make new friends. I don’t care if they ignore him, just don’t spread nasty games and prejudices to a new school so everyone has a chance to find their tribe and so DS can leave this difficult time behind him.
I’ve also had this conversation with DS about giving everyone a clean slate in the new school. I know as parents you’ll all understand. Thank you.

Usually I advise not to contact parents and to deal with this sort of thing through the school, but actually I think that's a really good message - calm and keeping the blame to a minimum and giving a clear way forward.

However, it may not work (because children can be horrid ) so I think it would be more effective to contact the secondary school and explain the situation and request that DS is in a different form to all the kids from his primary school.

no!! Do not send this! You will create issues for your son before he’s even started! Let him go and make new friends. Seriously, you’ll damage your child by sending that.

I would contact secondary and explain the situation and what happened - there are many different tutor groups in secondary and they could hopefully help by placing him in one with a group of new people, if you give them enough time. That will also give them a heads up for what they need to be aware of and keep an eye on. I’m sorry this has happened to your son, it’s awful.

Don't send it. Do speak to the new school and explain the situation.
If you can't have a one on one chat with the parents don't do a blanket email.
Help your son to make friends out of school too so he has other support networks. Then he may also knownother kids going to the new school before getting there. (Try local hobbies etc - Local D&D shop, music groups, summer play schemes, local youth club etc etc)

I love Aibu - first two answers say exactly the opposite to each other 😂 Thank you both for replying.
@LemonCitron - thank uou - i absolutely will be contacting the school about him being in a separate class but they have a streaming system so it may not work out like that.
@PBandJ111 - why do you think it would ruin him? I can just see one of the kids telling it like its a great story "let me tell uou about this game we played at primary".... thats all im trying to prevent really - i dont want any of them to be friends with him - just leave him alone.

I second this. OP, it’s heartbreaking when your child gets bullied but this is not the way to go. You’re assuming other people will think like you, care as much and to be realistic, they usually don’t.

I wouldn’t send it no. As one parent will end up saying something to their child and you’re risking more bullying if the kids start making fun of this message. Speak to the school, make sure none of the ringleaders are in his tutor group. Hopefully the new school will tackle any bullying if it does happen

I’d say def don’t send that.

‘.. children [and some parents] can be horrid… so I think it would be more effective to contact the secondary school and explain the situation and request that DS is in a different form to all the kids from his primary school.‘

A group message to parents that all know each other will just mean they’ll start sending pms about it to each other. Then their kids will know and it’ll start ‘a thing’.

A new start without those kids (and if any particular kid, I’d name them to the school, all privately) in his class is what he needs. He’ll see them of course but not be bombarded by their group mentality.

I third. Don’t send it. It will mark him out much much worse, and there will be unsympathetic parents in that group.

No. Don't send it. Don't do anything. Less is more.

He may very well be able to start with a clean sheet, but he won't if you send this. Your view on this all is way off. Take a step back don't do anything. wait to see how it goes first.

I'm struggling to grasp this. Bullying but none of the other parents know? No, there's always a couple of kids who tell their parents everything.

The school seem to have failed to address it. They have failed you. Why haven't you asked for more to be done.

Every single child in the class participated in this 'stay away from ds' game? No. I doubt that. In a class there are always loads of different personalities : some are outgoing and vocal, a bully maybe or two, Some are very shy, some compliant, some do things without even realising it. to insinuate that they all did it is very very rare. I bet you there's loads of kids who don't even know that the game is going on. Bet you there's a group of 3 girls all friends who know nothing about it because they just play together happily every day. and there are some very gentle souls who are very kind who would never ever do this. There always one or two of those. Always. there also some children who always tell their parents everything or there's always one who Dobbs everyone into the teacher so I failed to see that all the kids in the class did this is to me it's just practically impossible. I'm not disputing that quite a few children did it to your child there was such a game but the teacher should have dealt with it and the school is failing into this should be your primary focus and re addressing it.

Why didn't they set things up to find him a new friend? to make sure he was ok. and there are loads and loads of things that schools could have done to facilitate at least one friend and none of these things seem to have been done, but you don't seem to be looking at this.

You need to take a step back because you're too focused. You can't see the bigger picture. Sending this message no good will come of it all most people just think it was very odd.

What about trying to address the issues from another angle? Speak to the new school tell them get things facilitated from the start. get him set up with new friends, get them to keep an eye on it, and do all this it in an underhand private way that no one else knows about it, only the head of year and the teacher at the school will know. Surely this will be much more proactive and productive.

People will read it and assume it’s ’other people’s children’ who are the issue and won’t bother speaking to their own DC

My DS is in a similar situation but I just keep telling him there’s a bigger pool of friends to choose from when you get to secondary and the kids who are currently making his life a misery will suddenly realise they are very small fish

bit late in the day. but why didn't you address it with the current school when it started?

Streaming is likely to mean they are in his class.
I dont know these women (which is weirdly cliquey in itself as i know loads of parents in my other kids' classes!) so wouldn't know who to speak to individually. Id also worry that was a bit confrontational.
Yes totally beefing up the out of school stuff. Good point. Ive also signed him up for the nee school summer scheme - (having watched the group decide which week theyre sending their kids, and sending mine a different week!)

Your school has totally let you down I have no idea how it’s reached this stage and no one has spoken to the parents.

you can’t really - IME parents don’t like to ever accept or blame their children for anything and if they school had discussed with them they may have listened, but you doing it will go down like a lead balloon.

flag with new school.

Don't send that. It won't help.

Go into school today and speak to someone about this serious bullying.

Phone the secondary school today and explain the bullying concerns and get it on their radar now. They need to know as early as possible to separate them.

Every single child in a class bullied one child? No. Nope. That's unlikely.

Please don't send it, no parent will admit it if their child is a little shit even when they see it with their own eyes sometimes.

Instead tell the secondary now so they are aware of what has happened at the primary school and can potentially sort classes around it. Usually secondaries ask parents if they want their child with a friend as well as I don't want my child anywhere near X either.

This is to head off any potential conflicts. Setting is usually maths, English and science and the rest is with their form at least for year 7 and 8.

Lots of schools have 2 halves of the year so they never see each other unless it is in the playground. You can speak to the year 7 Head of Year as they oversee transitions but also Pastoral care who can help his resilience whilst in school.

So sorry for your poor son, how horrible.

I do agree that I think this is not a good idea. I think you will make this issue with your son front & centre of attention which might backfire. Hopefully this behaviour will naturally stop on transfer to new school.

I agree definitely try bolster his other social groups, outside school- local/interest/drama etc.
& speak to the new school.

Speak to the new school and be very clear about what has been happening.

Don’t send that message - the parents will either ignore it, think my DC would never get involved in bullying, or have a gossip with other parents which their DC may then get wind of and it all blows up in your DS’ face.

I’m assuming it is not possible to send him to a different secondary so you need to contact the new school. If the bullying continues then you need to check the school’s bullying policy and follow it to the letter.

I would love to believe that message would help. That all parents would be able to accept that perhaps their kids was unkind to another and have a word with them.

The reality is that most parents will get defensive if another parent accuses their kid of bullying.

As you say, it says something that you don't know any of these parents.

Speak to the school and see if they can keep him separate from them wherever possible.

Sorry lots to reply to.
The kids were all involved (and other classes) .... - one idiot tried to recruit DD at one point which is how it all Came to light cos DD stood up for her brother and came home and told me.
I absolutely have addressed it with the school and they think its all dealt with (its not) but we only found out quite late (tho it did explain the school refusal!!) and the teacher basically washed his hands of it. We have dealt with it but in other ways.
I will bring it to the attention of the new school - i already have a call in to them about it - but with the streaming i dont think they can separate him. They can keep a close eye for it but doesn't it only take one mention of this and his chances to make friends are a bit ruined?

Im hearing the consensus that this wont work - its sports day today.... should i pick a couple of mums who i can identify and have a word?

Your email is really inflammatory. If I received this I'd ask my children what was going on and whether they knew or participated in that game. The chances are the whole class are not participating. It sounds awful that your DS is going through this but honestly, it sounds like you should have done much much more to get the school to address this.

I really wouldn't address it with any of the parents, no. I genuinely don't think many parents would take it on board. My gut tells me the kids who are the ringleaders have parents who definitely won't and they are the ones likely to give him trouble.

Should have said - they asked everyone in the class if they knew about the game and they all put their hands up. Then they asked who had played it and they nearly all put up their hands. Its a cliquey area and for the msot part the school isnt that cliquey with the exception of this class.

You need to tell his current primary that it is still happening. There are still several weeks to go and there is a chance to stop this before secondary.