Would you send this message?

[dramalamma]

Background is DS is just finishing up primary and really looking forward to starting his neW secondary school in sept. He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year and the school haven't handled it very well - to the extent that the other parents dont know about it.
He's been really looking forward to this new start so i was a bit dismayed to be added to a whats app group of other mums in the year (most of whom i dont know) who's kids are all going to the same school - there are quite a few. Theyve all been talking about how wonderful it will be that their kids all know each other etc etc and im now panicking that this attitude towards him is going to spread to rhe new school.
I want to send the following note to the group - would i be reasonable to do that or is it going to make things worse? Happy to accept suggestions for amendments too!

Hi all, Im going to stick my neck out here and ask you all a massive favour. My son DS has had a really tough time at school this year. You’ve probably not heard anything about it but the whole class has been involved. He’s basically become the class (and beyond) target to the extent that they will all ignore him and play a game at playtime called “stay away from DS”. As far as we can tell the only thing he’s done to deserve this is be a bit different and be an easy target having only joined the school later.
Im not writing this to blame anyone - I’m sure none of the ringleaders are in this group but they have all been involved because pretty much everyone in the class has.
The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to make new friends. I don’t care if they ignore him, just don’t spread nasty games and prejudices to a new school so everyone has a chance to find their tribe and so DS can leave this difficult time behind him.
I’ve also had this conversation with DS about giving everyone a clean slate in the new school. I know as parents you’ll all understand. Thank you.

No don't send it

You have no control over what the parents will do with it. They could be supportive and helpful or they could forward it to their child, tell their child (in a non supportive way)

Most kids who go to a new school ma make new friends particularly those unhappy in their relationship

"I absolutely have addressed it with the school and they think its all dealt with (its not)"

So follow it up. Email Head and ask for an urgent meeting.

Say it hadn't been dealt with and ask about their bullying policy and whether this needs to be escalated. Formal complaints can go to the board of governors. You've done none of this, yours is only at the early stages.

I still don't believe every single child participated. Be careful because you're going to discredit yourself and make yourself look foolish if you keep taking that stance. If one of the mums who had a very very gentle little girl who would never bully anyone received your message, insisting every single child was involved, she asks and her dd knows nothing, your case immediately falls apart, and you appear unhinged.

For those who are saying i should have done more (gee thanks!) but ive done as much (and a more) than DS would let me do. Im not going to go through it all cos its already outing enough but it was as much as could be done. The ring leaders parents know but only one in the group was a ringleader and she'd definitely have been of the "not my precious perfect boy" camp so shes a lost cause but i was appealing to some of the other mums. But no i hear you..... could male things worse.

Where we are they have literally days rather than weeks left. DS has asked me to let it drop

If you take action, ask teacher for a meeting, then everyone will hear about it, because these things invariably get out, but they'll hear about it on a good way. If teacher does a morning session on 'treating eachother nicely' one kid will tell their mum. They'll ask why. Then they'll find out that someone gossiped there'd been some bullying. Everyone will know. Without you doing anything. This will mean you are painted in a very good light, by doing nothing direct.

The trouble is that attitudes like these kids have can often start at home - you might not be talking to calm mature adults.
The group you're messaging don't know you from Adam so the message will be interpreted and take on a life of it's own based on their hearsay, how defensive they are (how dare you suggest my darling would ever... )
Ringleaders is emotive.

If I got your message I'd have a general chat along the lines you suggest not naming any individual, plenty of people I know though would just say something like ' What's all this about Arthur being billy no mates? You seen anything, is he the weird kid or something?'

It's in writing, to strangers.

No don't send.

His school have been shocking for not helping though. Your poor son.

Are the ring leaders going to same school? Not too late to change that for proper fresh start?
Appreciate that isn't a small decision.

Definitely get the extra curriculars beefed up so he can get some friends elsewhere. Get him some allies if you can in his new class (any friends of yours with kids going?), but needs to be someone you can trust and face to face.

Awful that he's had to deal with that. The school my kids are at would never have allowed that to get so big, they are all over anything like that. 😢

Even with only a few days left it still warrants an email.

I think you definitely need to deal with this through the school. It’s not going to be sorted with a one off email and if it is this serious (so many children involved) then it’s likely to recur and be a chronic situation and the school can (hopefully) monitor more than you can
Chances are there is one or a few ringleaders that are involving the other children - and not that every child is choosing to bully your child.
What you need to do is build your child up in other ways - hobbies etc outside school. There may be clubs in the new school that they can join at lunchtime.

Hopefully a bigger school gives more opportunities to meet new friends
School is a system and doesn’t suit everyone, but as our children get older and their education focus narrows then they hopefully meet like minded individuals and make good friends.

So, now it transpires it's a small group, one ringleader, and the small group of parents DO know.

Which is not the same as it's the whole class. and no one knows.

Respect his request.
He needs at least you to hear him
He needs to be able to have some control and influence so if it doesn't go well he at least doesn't feel that was taken out of his hands by you.

No advice as mine are younger, but I hope your DS can thrive and get the lovely friends he deserves in secondary. How horrible for you all to have to go through this.

Asking parents to tell their 11/12 year old kids not to do that - will specifically result in one of those kids doing it.

inadvertently you will give this a green light at the new school - please don’t do this.

have the call with new school and get their take on it first.

It's wrong but in sending the message or talking to parents at the sports day you are reinforcing the idea of your son being 'problematic' and that is sadly not going to give him a fresh start.
If they are arranging end of year parties or their child starts hanging out with your son their unconscious bias might kick and they start wondering if it might lead to issues for their child, worry that you are an over invested parent etc and not want to encourage.
I'm not saying this is ok in any way it's not and it's awful but I think even to those that are kind it plants negative seeds.
Try to build your sons confidence (sounds like you are) and a good relationship with the head of year at his new school but also let your son have that fresh start and leave the bad stuff behind.

I'd send it yeah there'll be some shit parents that won't give a. Crap they will likely belong to the children that have been picking on him , you'd hope the majority of the parents whose children have just acted like sheep would be mortified and bollokc them I know I would, I hope your son has a happy time at secondary school he deserves nothing less.
FWIW you seem so calm I wish I could take a leaf from you but I know in this instance I'd of already raised hell!

This will put people's backs up badly. You're not in the wrong but it's quite an irritating message.

OP you have my sympathies- I moved my son in year 2 because of bullies (physical and mental) and a school that didn't so much as lift a finger. It all stopped at his second primary and he has done brilliantly. However, he started year 7 in September and I had a choice to either send him to the school where I knew these 'children' would be with the chance of starting again or send him to the one in the next town where I knew he would be on his own but with a real fresh start. I chose the latter - it's been a good decision for us both.

Don't send the message. In my experience a lot of these parents just won't believe you and if they do, they won't care. Their little angels can do no wrong and you don't know whether they will speak to their child about it in the way you want and it has a good chance of increasing the bullying. The only option you have, with him going to the same school as them, is speak to the school and hammer it into your boy NOT to accept it.

Thats not what i said. One of the ringleaders is in the group. Theyre al boys - all fhe biys participated in the game. Not sure the value in nitpicking the situation - i cant give you every detail or id be here til 6th form!

No, I wouldn’t send it. They will no doubt talk to their dc and you’ll be starting a whole lot more hassle. I’d perhaps just leave the group once it quietens down over Summer. I would let his new school know there were issues though.

Depending on the size of his new school there will likely only be 3 or 4 children from the same primary in his form. This is usually a mix of 2 boys and 2 girls. You may find that they will try to stick to your DS initially as he is a familiar face as they start to feel they are very much "a small fish in a big pond" . Issues from primary hopefully are left behind as they all try to navigate their new surroundings and establish new friendship groups. The parents may want them to remain in the current friendship groups but this if often not the case as due to to set up of classes etc the reality is they simply won't even see each other

@HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb thank you - rhats what im choosing to do right now. (While also addressing it as a bigger issue in the school in other ways)

They’re all boys? Do you mean it’s an all boys school? Or that all the boys were involved in the bullying but not the girls? Actually I remember you mentioned they tried to recruit your DD so not an all boys school?

My experience is primary schools don’t speak to parents and are also terrible at dealing with bullying. They don’t have the staff to supervise at properly, specially at breaks, and the staff on playground duty spend the time chatting to each other, not really observing what is happening.

This is bullying!!!!!!!! Had you spoken with the primary school about the issues? If so what was the outcome?? If you had spoken to the primary school I would absolutely be contacting the parents! I would have a long time ago! To the person who said it will ruin your son bullying is absolutely a life ruiner!!! I would definitely send the message and also speak to the school!! The parents need to made aware of the situation so they deal with there children accordingly! I absolutely hate bullying and I would be ever so grateful if I received that text!!!

my experience is the opposite but DC go to a private school - which I know on MN is the devil’s work but they seem to deal with this stuff pretty well.

I find it shocking that this situation has been allowed to continue.