Would you send this message?

[dramalamma]

Background is DS is just finishing up primary and really looking forward to starting his neW secondary school in sept. He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year and the school haven't handled it very well - to the extent that the other parents dont know about it.
He's been really looking forward to this new start so i was a bit dismayed to be added to a whats app group of other mums in the year (most of whom i dont know) who's kids are all going to the same school - there are quite a few. Theyve all been talking about how wonderful it will be that their kids all know each other etc etc and im now panicking that this attitude towards him is going to spread to rhe new school.
I want to send the following note to the group - would i be reasonable to do that or is it going to make things worse? Happy to accept suggestions for amendments too!

Hi all, Im going to stick my neck out here and ask you all a massive favour. My son DS has had a really tough time at school this year. You’ve probably not heard anything about it but the whole class has been involved. He’s basically become the class (and beyond) target to the extent that they will all ignore him and play a game at playtime called “stay away from DS”. As far as we can tell the only thing he’s done to deserve this is be a bit different and be an easy target having only joined the school later.
Im not writing this to blame anyone - I’m sure none of the ringleaders are in this group but they have all been involved because pretty much everyone in the class has.
The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to make new friends. I don’t care if they ignore him, just don’t spread nasty games and prejudices to a new school so everyone has a chance to find their tribe and so DS can leave this difficult time behind him.
I’ve also had this conversation with DS about giving everyone a clean slate in the new school. I know as parents you’ll all understand. Thank you.

Oh i hear you! Well done for making that positive choice for yourself! I had to leave the country to escape my bully at 11 so i can totally understand your decision (and thinking about it this might explain why im so anxious around this now!! I really want my kids to have a better experience than i did!)

I bumped in to a childhood friend a while ago, she said she was standing outside school & a mother of a kid in her son's class walked up to her & loudly said she couldnt accept it any more, "What ?" The mother then went on to tell her if the bullying & misery her son caused in school. She had had No idea.
She was totally unaware (she said)
I personally think it might be helpful to confront these other mothers, & ask them to parent their children, instill some decent values, & not ruin other children's lives. How would they feel if their precious little bully boy was the one shunned. They are going to a new school, they should be told to leave your son in peace

By asking other families to discuss the possibility of continuing his primary school bullying into secondary school, you are drawing attention to your ds's situation as a potential victim of bullying in the new school. He would become the topic of conversation in all those families over the schools holidays. It would draw attention to him as someone with potential to be vulnerable to possible future bullies. Most of those dcs and their families are probably feeling terrified of going to high school and hoping for a clean start too.
Personally I think it would be better to appeal to their positive sides and not mention ds's bullying specifically. Instead wish them all luck and say you're sure their dc will be supportive of ds and each other and you'd be really grateful if the parents contact you if their dc hear that your ds has had any difficulty.

Don't send the message especially if the mums are cliquey. All kids can be little shits at times but kids who are little shits for an extended period of time tend to have bastard parents who actually have no interest in sorting this stuff out as long as their kid is top of the pecking order. If you are not like this it can take a really long time to understand that because you assume that like yourself everyone is trying to bring up their kids to be basically decent human beings. Some have a more competitive outlook on life. Don't engage with it.

I think as there is still a little bit of time left before they finish junior school you should go in to see Headteacher and explain you are not happy with the situation currently because your DC is being bullied and excluded and want them to tackle it immediately. Ask to see a copy of the bullying policy too. Make them stick to it. This could get resolved before school breaks up.

My experience of seeing two children through the primary to secondary transition is that all previous relationships get a get good shaking up. My son went to secondary with two of his closest friends from primary and from day one they were no longer good friends. No falling out or anything like that, they just met other kids and it happened naturally. Also remember, that the kids who are the big fish in the little pond of primary school become the little fish in the huge pond of secondary.
I wouldn't send the message, but would wait and see what happens at secondary school first. But be ready to act swiftly at the first sign of anything.

Definitely do not send that text.
You will be marking him out even more.
Your poor boy.
I would be looking to schedule a meeting with the new school to emphasis how seriously you want this taken.
You must haveca relationship with them as your older son attends the same school.
Having a much older brother at the school is a real positive.
Make sure he and his friends are seen to engage with him.
I think outside of school friends are essential to keep the importance of school in its place.
Figure out what you want from the school and communicate it clearly.
Good luck.

You really need to speak to the pastoral lead at the secondary school to ensure your son is separated. Secondary schools are huge compared to primary and have a wide catchment so it should be perfectly possible to separate them streaming or not.

My DC had a similar situation ~ never spoke to any of his primary fellows again at secondary and forged a fantastic group of friends.

If anything rears its head, straight in to the secondary. When they’re little year 7s it’s easier to address.

Don’t send the message. Parents can’t really control what goes on in school ~ you really need to work with the school.

Too right I would be sending it. And I would send an individually crafted message to each of the parents.

This.

No way would I send that .
It will not be easy to hear that your child isn’t being nice, but in this situation a group chat to all the parents of these kids is only going to get their backs up , and have them all on the one side and your son and yourself will be further alienated.

Why haven’t you spoken to any of these people before now ?
Can you pressure the old school to speak to the parents ?
Can you see any of these parents one on one ?

Id also speaks to the new school.

I would be firmer in the new year and make sure you don’t stand for any of this .
Why has nothing more been done to stop it all before now ?

I second what other posters have said here. Definitely don't send that. As awful as what happened to your son is, the parents of the new school are not to blame, nor are they responsible.

If you want to send a message, make it positive. Something like this:

"Hey, it's great to meet you all. My son came from x school and is very much looking forward to starting the year."

Start off on a good footing. Every school is different. Just because your son got bullied in his last school, doesn't mean he will here. Don't assume that without intervention the same dynamic will develop.

You have read the post wrong .

The fact you've made a load of noise about this and pushed it already, but your child tells you it's still happening is your clue here that telling the parents won't stop it happening either. The thing to remember on entering secondary school is there will be lots more children from lots more different schools and dynamics will change. You will probably find he will fall off the radar and other children will become the new targets for attention anyway.

Don't send it.

I'm sure most parents would take that in the spirit it was sent and try to help but it just takes one parent to kick off, make fun of it to their child and make the whole thing worse. Talk to the new school. Encourage your son to join lunchtime clubs where he might be people with similar interests. Everything changes at secondary in my experience. Friendship groups all change and everyone will be focussing on that and hopefully your son will get a break and find his tribe. Good luck.

You have my sympathies @dramalamma My daughter had a rough time 2022/23 in primary. I don’t know if I tackled it the right way but the children in question have given her a wide berth this year. She’s off to secondary in September too and I so want her to be happy there. Good luck xxx

I don't think so

Don't send it. Do go into school and make a fuss. We had the same with my Dd in year 6. I went into complain and the whole class got a bollocking and parents were informed ( but by school so officially and not just me seen as being a crank). I am glad because my Dd now is best mates with one of the girls who was mean, and actually is a lovely girl away from some of the other instigators, and is thriving. Kids!

No

no

no.

I was in charge of year six year seven transition for five years and can tell you that things often change radically in secondary school.

First because the secondary school is bigger, and also because the primary school didn’t deal with things as robustly as secondary schools might.

I lost count of parents being surprised at their child has been sanctioned for pushing and shoving when primary school did nothing about it but seem to see as a developmental stage.

If you really need to then phone the head of year at the new school explain your concerns but do not try and sort this out between you and the other mums.
Let’s face it no one wants to hear that from another mum so leave it to school to sort if and when it happens.

Also by raising it every time it happens school will have to tell the high school and can make sure your son is not in a class with the worst offenders and make sure a note is on all their files so if it continues they know the background. You will need to keep on top of it and every time something happens, even small, go on in/ send an email and complain. Our high school was brilliant at responding.

DEFINITELY tell the new school & be VERY firm! If you don't advocate for your child no one else will.

My DD was bullied at Primary & I was all nicey nicey with school & went along with all they suggested. Long story short we ended up having to change her school & all was well for 3 years.

Fast forward to High School & the bully went out of area for her & joined the same school...we were heartbroken but thought maybe she'd matured & fresh start blah blah but no!!

I let the High School know & then on an induction day they had put my DD & the bully in the same house DELIBERATELY "to make them work together 🙄" and any meekness I'd had previously went out of the window... I lost my SHIT!!!!!

It did carry on to the High School & DH & I went in hard EVERY SINGLE TIME to school & it did eventually get sorted.

So, in a very long winded way I'm saying, do let the new school know & go in hard if it happens.

Good luck to your son, I know first hand how awful it is

To be honest, they don’t have to tell the secondary school anything apart from the most obvious details and often they don’t

Please don’t “lose your shit” at teachers, this is why there is a shortage of teachers

I think we live in the same place. Would an integrated secondary be possible?