Would you send this message?

[dramalamma]

Background is DS is just finishing up primary and really looking forward to starting his neW secondary school in sept. He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year and the school haven't handled it very well - to the extent that the other parents dont know about it.
He's been really looking forward to this new start so i was a bit dismayed to be added to a whats app group of other mums in the year (most of whom i dont know) who's kids are all going to the same school - there are quite a few. Theyve all been talking about how wonderful it will be that their kids all know each other etc etc and im now panicking that this attitude towards him is going to spread to rhe new school.
I want to send the following note to the group - would i be reasonable to do that or is it going to make things worse? Happy to accept suggestions for amendments too!

Hi all, Im going to stick my neck out here and ask you all a massive favour. My son DS has had a really tough time at school this year. You’ve probably not heard anything about it but the whole class has been involved. He’s basically become the class (and beyond) target to the extent that they will all ignore him and play a game at playtime called “stay away from DS”. As far as we can tell the only thing he’s done to deserve this is be a bit different and be an easy target having only joined the school later.
Im not writing this to blame anyone - I’m sure none of the ringleaders are in this group but they have all been involved because pretty much everyone in the class has.
The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to make new friends. I don’t care if they ignore him, just don’t spread nasty games and prejudices to a new school so everyone has a chance to find their tribe and so DS can leave this difficult time behind him.
I’ve also had this conversation with DS about giving everyone a clean slate in the new school. I know as parents you’ll all understand. Thank you.

Please do not send this...... it will cause your son to be bullied!!!

He will meet new friends at high school. They will cling to each other in the first week or so as theyre little fishes in a big pond. He will be fine.

Just add a cheery message saying you can't believe theyre all about to go to high-school. Hope they all settle quickly

@Bernadinetta they all happen to be boys who are going yo the new school so all boy mums in the group. Both schools mixed but a very imbalanced year with inly a handful of girls (and a small class) so jts mostly been boys whove been the problem.

For those of you who suggested a different school..... this has been a long road but theyd all have the same issue as there are limited options for boys. And the one hes going to is the most accepting (and has his 6ft brother in a higher class so maybe that will help! 😁)

No no no no no no no

Sending the message will make it even more of an issue

Get the current primary to address it better and now.

Year 7s don't really play that sort of playground game, so it's unlikely to continue into secondary.

Help your son develop strategies to deal with bullies, as there's likely to be far worse stuff that may happen at secondary.

Oh gosh theyre going to miss their bus if i dont stop posting!! Thank you for all the suportive messages and advice - will pop back later to reply properly.... maybe while enduring the ridiculously long sports day!

Absolutely do not send this. It's very inflammatory and will cause even more problems for your son. (By inflammatory I don't mean it's untrue, just that it will stir things up and provoke nasty responses)

Speak to the secondary school. And if you're not happy with the response then I would move heaven and earth to get him to a different school. Even if the logistics are tricky. He'll have 7 years at the next school, it needs to be right.

And please don't rely on 6ft big brother as some sort of 'deterrent' - that's not fair on either boy.

Don't send that.

Spend your time empowering your son and building him up so that he doesn't get bullied and can stick up for himself.

You write - 'He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year.'

I bet you wouldn't have gone into work for a year if you were being low level bullied!

He probably just accepts it as the norm after all that time.

Get him involved in judo where he can learn to defend himself and build up his self esteem.

Sending that letter will just make him be ridiculed further.

Do not send the message.
Do not raise it at sports day.
Do speak to the new school - even with streaming they can help. If they don’t know, they can’t.
Do empower your child to deal with this kind of behaviour. DC went though a similar issue in Y6 and it was only when we gave them a few key phrases to use at the others that the bullying stopped. We made sure we were in the playground at drop off when those messages were first delivered to back up our child.

Mum and teacher here of children similar age. Absolutely do not send this.

This could make things a lot worse for your son.

My advice would be to contact the secondary school and ask for your child to be given a new start by not placing him in a tutor group with any of his previous classmates. I’d also request a meeting with his primary teacher to discuss what has happened and ask if they can address it without singling him out eg through some PSHE work.

Work to develop his confidence over the summer holidays with activities and adventures. Help him build the resilience to deal with stuff on his own.

No chance of this planet would I send that, if my child started and had issues I would address it with the school which is the only appropriate action

I wouldn't send it. I don't think it will help and it could potentially make things worse.
Just because the other kids knew about it doesn't mean they all took part and I think individuals parents would be cross you had made assumptions about their child.

A big brother in a year above always helps!

Unfortunately some of the recipients will immediately tell their children that they have received your message and what it says. While I think the message is a good one in tone those children who are bullies will use this as an excuse to treat your son badly.

Instead, speak to the school he is going to. Explain the issues he has had. I see what you say about streaming but they may be able to do more than you think. For example, head of y7 could have a word with the whole year when they start about not tolerating bullying, and that y7 is a chance for all of them to make new friends and grow up a bit. Hopefully in a bigger school your son will find his tribe.

Secondary school these bullies will find they are now small fish in a bigger pond. Children generally make new friendship groups with children from different schools. I would just keep working on your sons confidence and resilience to these kids. Ive always told my son that sadly he will always have at least one arsehole in his class and will be the same once he starts working so its a good life lesson in how to deal with other people. They spend so much time in year 7 lost trying to find their way around bigger buildings and its not so cool at break time to be playing primary school games that im sure these bullying boys will stop. If not, talk to your sons form tutor they won't want any of that happening on their watch.

Personally I wouldn’t send that message nor would I say anything to the parents at sports day. It won’t be received well!
The school is at fault for not doing more. I know you say you’ve done everything you can so I would focus on getting him excited for secondary school and preparing him for it. I’d phone and ask to speak to the new head of year for his first year and explain the situation, That way they are aware of it.

You say they have "days" left?

But surely they have 6 weeks??

I'd be going the head teacher tbh.

Don't have the conversation or texts. It would be fine coming from the school but not the individual parent.

All it will take is one parent mentioning it to their child and that will spread and put a bigger target on his back .

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Can you send him to a different school? I absolutely would. Sometimes these situations are just too toxic.

You're correct to identify it's probably going to happen again at the new school, poor boy

We're not in england - holidays start at the end of of june here and the top class finish even earlier

I had the same problem over bullying, my small and gentle DD was completely ostracised. I did quietly contact DD’s class teacher, more than once, but without DD ever knowing. They made the right noises but were bloody useless.

My DD endured a vile final year at junior school.

Don’t send that message OP. In my case all the school mums knew the score but were too cowardly to do the right thing for fear of repercussions on their own kid. They simply ganged together, all as bad as their kids really. I even had one approach me in a supermarket to say she knew all about it but her little angel wasn’t involved!

Close to the end of the final term I was approached by the junior school headmaster privately. He told me to make the senior school fully aware of the situation. I told him that was his job surely. He said it was and he would be doing that but back up from me would help. (Looking back I can’t believe I didn’t just do this anyway, but I was a lot meeker then than I am now.)

Senior school staff want to know what trouble is coming their way, so they can avoid it. They put DD in a class away from all the other junior school girls. She had a completely fresh start and quickly made a new group of friends and blossomed.

The problem simply stopped.

Your poor boy, bullying breaks my heart. My DD had a really tough time in Year 6 and left friendless and self esteem on the floor. I had a meeting with her secondary school prior to her starting and they were more than happy to put her in a tutor group away from her bullies. She's in year 9 now and has a little group of lovely friends, none of whom are from her primary school. I really hope your boy has a similar experience

Thank you for all your considered responses. I appreciate them.
I live jn a weird place (uk but weird! 😂) - there really arent any other options for him. And the school has a grammar stream so the most academically able kids are all put in the same class. I thought theyd all be in that stream but DH has just told me he thinks several of them wont which is good news!
And wont send the note and Im going to phone the new school and speak to the head of year and explain the situation.

Its really helped to hear you all say its bullying and not acceptable - i know its not but his teacher is very old school and makes you feel paranoid for even suggesting its stil ongoing ("because i havent seen it happen") 🤔 Hes really minimised it and made it seem like DS was at fault for lettting it happen. I have made a fuss but then its all died down and done with as far as the school are concerned even tho im still getting reports from younger DC that its still happening. Ill respect his wishes to leave it until he leaves then go and have another word with the head.
Right now im concentrating on love bombing him (in the nice use of that word!) and building him up as much as i can. Hes such a lovely boy but hes not sporty and is very much his own person so he stands out. Just got to hope hes not so much of a target at senior school.
Btw the mention if DS1 being at the school wasnt meant as a threat - hes a gentle giant! But more that hed have a little bit of cudos for having an older brother but i can see how that came across.

When I was 11, I did the eleven plus and got into Grammar School. I was offered a place by all the local Grammars and deliberately chose a school no one else was interested in from my junior school, not the 'best' school, so that I could get away from the bullies. My mum wasn't bothered which school I went to so I got to pick, I never told her why!

Feeling that the bullies will follow you to your next school and spoil it for you is the worst thing. One girl did eventually pick the same school as me (she wasn't offered a place at the posh Girls Grammar) and suddenly became nice as pie when she realised I was the only other one that was likely to go there, but she didn't get in there either in the end, I was so relieved.

So sorry to hear this, bullying like this is so subtle and damaging. My dd1 had an experience of exclusion bullying in primary school she is now nearly 17 and unfortunately she is still scarred from it, quite low in confidence and finds it hard to trust friends. In my experience of my daughter quite a lot were involved but there was one ring leader and everyone else followed their lead for fear of being her next victim.

I think sending a text is a good idea but I would frame it that your ds has had a tough year and has been excluded quite a bit in class. I wouldn't go into anymore details than that and would definitely not suggest their kids were specifically involved because people will just get defensive. Just say your ds is looking forward to a fresh start. and to meet new people. Keep this bit but change slightly The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to give everyone the chance to be able to make new friends.

Im so sorry to hear about your DD - and so great that shes thriving now!
Do you think it helped the head having a word with the new school? I hadnt thought of that and im sure our head would but probably only if i asked. (He is good but v new to the school).

Im a lot less meek now too having been through similar (and worse) with DS1 but being an outsider in a tight community with very defined lines and old-fashioned thinking still makes me second guess myself a lot!