Would you send this message?

[dramalamma]

Background is DS is just finishing up primary and really looking forward to starting his neW secondary school in sept. He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year and the school haven't handled it very well - to the extent that the other parents dont know about it.
He's been really looking forward to this new start so i was a bit dismayed to be added to a whats app group of other mums in the year (most of whom i dont know) who's kids are all going to the same school - there are quite a few. Theyve all been talking about how wonderful it will be that their kids all know each other etc etc and im now panicking that this attitude towards him is going to spread to rhe new school.
I want to send the following note to the group - would i be reasonable to do that or is it going to make things worse? Happy to accept suggestions for amendments too!

Hi all, Im going to stick my neck out here and ask you all a massive favour. My son DS has had a really tough time at school this year. You’ve probably not heard anything about it but the whole class has been involved. He’s basically become the class (and beyond) target to the extent that they will all ignore him and play a game at playtime called “stay away from DS”. As far as we can tell the only thing he’s done to deserve this is be a bit different and be an easy target having only joined the school later.
Im not writing this to blame anyone - I’m sure none of the ringleaders are in this group but they have all been involved because pretty much everyone in the class has.
The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to make new friends. I don’t care if they ignore him, just don’t spread nasty games and prejudices to a new school so everyone has a chance to find their tribe and so DS can leave this difficult time behind him.
I’ve also had this conversation with DS about giving everyone a clean slate in the new school. I know as parents you’ll all understand. Thank you.

I was actually going to ask how an 11 year old managed to leave the country but then realised that OP must mean that she and her family moved house!

Definitely don’t send it. The other kids will all ask if their Mums had a word and his name will be mud. Senior school is different to junior, they will all be new. I’d talk to the school and ask what approach they could take, if one is needed.

No don’t send anything
I agree approach the new school and ask him to be away and seperate from any of his previous peers if possible
hopefully over the summer and the fresh start they will have forgotten thier mean and immature game and hopefully be out of thier depth and more interested in making new friends rather then picking on an old one. Hopefully it will be the fresh start you are hoping for but maybe not unfortunately it’s hard to say.

God no please dont. My mum did this to me and all the parents told the kids, not meaning any harm, but it meant that the bullying and ignoring was 10times worse. I ended up having to leave mid-term, the embarrassment i suffered, still haunts me now.

Support your DS, use the summer to build his confidence, maybe try and single out one child to build a relationship with over the summer, but please, im begging you, dont send the message, dont be that mum.

If the new school is anything like DD's they may be in the same class but they are given seating plans so if you speak to the school they can pass the message on to the teachers so they can keep DS separate.
There were a couple of bullies in DD's class in year 6 who are in her tutor group this year but that is only 15 mins a day and they never see them during the day because it's so big and there are so many new kids.

Not hyperbole unfortunately! Lots of details im not going to share but only option was boarding school in another country.

Im hearing the nearly unianimous "dont send". I wont - it seemed like such a good idea at 5am this morning! But like most 5am ideas, that was clearly a bad one!

I think youre all totally right that the parents likely wont react the same way i would hope i would!

Im also hearing a lot about asking for him to be away from them - and i will talk to the school, tell them the issue and see what they say but i think they wont be able to separate them if they qualify for the top stream then they will all be in one class. But like you say, they will all be diluted and mixed up and hopefully he'll find his own way. Hes actually been remarkably ok about the whole thing - sad and upset but also stoic and open to talking about it which is good but i just wish it wasnt something he has to deal with.

And the school has a grammar stream so the most academically able kids are all put in the same class. I thought theyd all be in that stream but DH has just told me he thinks several of them wont which is good news!

but with the streaming i dont think they can separate him

they have a streaming system

think they wont be able to separate them if they qualify for the top stream

For the love of god will someone please acknowledge how clever the kid is 🤣🙄😒

This is it though, this is life. You should be proud of yourself that your son has spoken to you. Foster what you have been doing because it's obviously worked. He's felt safe telling you this and feels like you have his back going forward, there will be all sorts of blips/issues with him in future and the best thing is to keep showing him you continue to have his back. You can't protect them from the bad stuff unfortunately. But you can give them the emotional armour to deal with it.

I think that both me, and the head separately, having a word with the new school reinforced the message, and that’s why the head told me to do it. (The new teachers would surely be glad to know what potential problems are coming down the line, so they can take evasive action, even just for their own benefit).

The new school didn’t make any promises when I spoke to them, which I guess they can’t do. I ended up postponing my surgery which was due first week of September as I wanted to be on hand to speak to the school on the first day if DD was put with the worst of the bullies. But it was all fine.

I can feel my heart racing now just thinking of those times. The chief bully and her mother are still at the top of my hate list. The mother was spreading rumours about my DD, the absolute low life that she is. At least she has the decency to squirm and avert her gaze if she sees me now.

As a previous poster has intimated, the gutless school mums will be as bad as their nasty kids, no one wanted to cross the chief bully’s mum. So please don’t think sending your message is going to be of any use, it will do more harm than good.

Yeah, being an outsider in a tight community is tough…… I did get my revenge though (which is definitely a dish best eaten cold 😁).

5am is the time of night when things can seem overwhelming.
Over the summer I would see if he is open to speaking to someone professionally to help him process everything.
He sounds like a resilient boy and hopefully in secondary he will find his tribe.
Be open to buying a gaming box, boys often bond by a love of gaming, helping to break the ice.
Are there any summer camps that might be full of boys going there?
If so, put him in.
The first term of school and beyond, have anyone at all that he likes over for pizza and gaming etc.
Hopefully he will find his way.
I remember after one of my children had left primary, several parents telling me their child had many hard times, that I was completely unaware of because my child had other friends in the large class.
School days can be a mixed bag for many, especially primary.
Stay in close contact with the school, speaking to the year head too.

I didn't get the impression at all that the OP is trying to say how intelligent her son is. I think she has just mentioned it as it's a relevant point that it might prevent her son being in a different class to his bullies.

absolutely do not send that - kids get crueller at secondary school if the parents share that message with their kids and the parents don’t really care or understand- it would get so much worse for your son!

Have you asked for his consent to do this - its his life at secondary not yours!!!

Being with nearly 200 kids may naturally dilute the situation- talk to school and ask them to keep an eye on things and see how it goes - but do not send that message!!

As a parent if I read that I'd feel really sorry for you and your son and I'd definitely be having a chat with my child to see if they knew what had been going on and talking about bullying etc. But unfortunately a lot of parents will just ignore it or use it as gossip especially if they are close with the other parents.

I can totally relate to how you're feeling. My daughter experienced some bullying in primary school and it hurts. You would do anything to protect your child and the frustration of not being able to fix it can be overwhelming.

I wouldn't send the message. (And that's coming from someone who would absolutely type up that message!) I always like to sleep on things, consider what might happen if, before I act or react.

Like others have said, it could ignite things. Not all of the parents are going to be nice and react well to it (their kids are getting the vile behaviour from somewhere) and they might just mention it to their child who'll then taunt your boy, "Oh look, he's got mommy to send a message!"

In secondary school, their attitude may well change as they're suddenly the little fish in a big pond. It can be overwhelming. It suddenly becomes 'uncool' to play playground games.

They may well all be split up and may only be together for, let's say, tutor period, then go off to separate classes. Is it a large secondary school with multiple form entry? Either way, they'll all be mixing with new faces and will want to appear cool, not babyish, and taunting your boy is incredibly babyish.

I'd hold back for now and see how things go. By all means have a conversation with the secondary school and give them the heads up. I'm disappointed on your behalf that his primary school have let things slide and their lack of action has led to the bullying being allowed to continue.

Hi,

So this was me... I was bullied heavily throughout primary school from age 6 . I remember a class game where someone would touch me gagging as if I was garbage and shouting "vegmash's germs, vegmash's germs" and chasing other kids with the hand that touched me to spread my germs and the other kids running away and screaming. Also I remember more regular exclusion in the form of being ignored and remember it starting because I didn't agree to bully someone so I was then on the hit list. As well as verbal bullying and even sometimes physical (from the boys!)

My little sister also defended me!

I felt I couldn't get away from the bullying, I desperately wished my parents would move house so I could have a fresh start but tried to hide as much of the bullying from my parents as I could.

In secondary it definitely got better , I was mostly ignored and had one of two friends... There were two girls in my class that targeted me and used to send me nasty notes etc that had come from my old class , they did make my life a bit miserable but for the most part my old bullies had moved on.

Then I did transition year (Ireland) and only about 20% of my year did it, we all became friends and then I was in the year with people from the year below for fifth year on and it was great! I ended up being friends with most if the people who I had gone to primary with by the end of secondary as people had all matured and many were really lovely. In hindsight I felt it had been the whole class bullying but I think most pl just fell in line.

But I will always have low self esteem and feel like I must be strange due to early bullying.

Don't send the email, I believe it will make it worse ...

If I had a child going through the same and I was rich I genuinely would move ! But I know that's not realistic...

No. Don't send the email. Speak to the secondary school. It's highly unlikely they'll be streamed in Y7, and even if they are it's not going to be 1 class per level. Our local secondary school has 8 classes per year so there's plenty of opportunity to keep your DS away from others. I know a parent who successfully got her child away from a child who'd bullied hers all through primary school.

Oh @Vegmash that so horrible that you had to go through that! And what is it is with kids cos thats exactly what they've been doing to DS. And i so relate to the coercive bullying - "if you don't do it you cant be friends with us anymore" - makes my blood boil.
Im so pleased it all worked out but i really do agree these formative experiences stay with us long after the bullies have gone.
Im actually quite proud of DD - and your little sister too! - for standing up to them and not joining in - especially as shes such a timid wee thing and fitting in is really important to her but she marched in the door and straight up to me and said she had to tell me something. The worst bit for me was that DS hadn't even realised it wasn't ok until DD said something - he'd just been putting up with it and assuming it was normal.
So plan is mention to the new school. Talk again yo old school head and get him to mention to new school. Focus on a few meet ups over the summer with out of school friend and the one kid who is nice to him out of the group and more resilience strategies. And keeping lines of communication open so any issues, he tells me and i can help nip in the bud.
Thank you for a very civilised and sensible AIBU!