Would you send this message?

[dramalamma]

Background is DS is just finishing up primary and really looking forward to starting his neW secondary school in sept. He's had a really tough time being low-level but constantly bullied and ostracised this year and the school haven't handled it very well - to the extent that the other parents dont know about it.
He's been really looking forward to this new start so i was a bit dismayed to be added to a whats app group of other mums in the year (most of whom i dont know) who's kids are all going to the same school - there are quite a few. Theyve all been talking about how wonderful it will be that their kids all know each other etc etc and im now panicking that this attitude towards him is going to spread to rhe new school.
I want to send the following note to the group - would i be reasonable to do that or is it going to make things worse? Happy to accept suggestions for amendments too!

Hi all, Im going to stick my neck out here and ask you all a massive favour. My son DS has had a really tough time at school this year. You’ve probably not heard anything about it but the whole class has been involved. He’s basically become the class (and beyond) target to the extent that they will all ignore him and play a game at playtime called “stay away from DS”. As far as we can tell the only thing he’s done to deserve this is be a bit different and be an easy target having only joined the school later.
Im not writing this to blame anyone - I’m sure none of the ringleaders are in this group but they have all been involved because pretty much everyone in the class has.
The reason I’m telling this now is to ask you to have a word with your kids before the induction this week and remind them that everyone deserves a fresh start at secondary school and that we should leave things like this behind and don’t ruin other peoples’s chances to make new friends. I don’t care if they ignore him, just don’t spread nasty games and prejudices to a new school so everyone has a chance to find their tribe and so DS can leave this difficult time behind him.
I’ve also had this conversation with DS about giving everyone a clean slate in the new school. I know as parents you’ll all understand. Thank you.

No def don’t send the message.

I agree with others who say don’t send that message. Don’t draw attention to your DS and make this an issue before he’s even started.

It’s worth noting that whilst the parents are happy their kids will know other kids at the new school, this will almost certainly become irrelevant to the kids themselves within a few weeks/months. All parents worry about secondary school, and want their children to have the reassurance of familiar faces. But in my experience many primary school friendships are jettisoned pretty quickly and new friendships are made.

Unfortunately my LO's experience has been awful. Moderate bullying in small primary. This year 7 in secondary it has escalated. The small number of students from primary have targeted any new friends she's made and enrolled them into far worse bullying. It's been a terrible experience. The parents have been called in by the school on many occasions and take no notice of the complaints against their children.

I'd not sent the message OP because most of the parents are as bad as the children and simply don't care. Secondary school has been more proactive, but with little effect. I hope your DS has a better transition. If not, the only thing is to find another school which is almost impossible where we live.

Do not send it!

Most secondaries I know/have experience of, split the cohort from each primary up. This is to avoid gang like bullying, and allows/makes the kids make new friends. Additionally, the kids will get split by ability for various lessons, so it also helps split the bullies that way too.

What you can do is write to pastoral head or head of yr 7 at new school, explain the bullying issue at primary, and say you'd like to nip this in the bud for a fresh start so please can (son) NOT be in the same tutor group as particularly x, y or z due to these bullying issues in primary. He would be happy with none from his school or prefer to be with a or b (ask son for who if he had to be with he'd prefer) if he has to be with others from his primary.

For the WA group I'd simply reply as eg @Life2Short4Nonsense says, but maybe also drop in you have DS1 in yr (whatever), by saying eg I'm hoping DS will have a great time at the school like DS1 who will be in year Y

No don’t send it. Is it the ring leaders going to the sand school OP? The “lower level colluders” are probably going to be more concerned about fitting in that carrying on the bullying…

This is why your son’s experience is particularly painful for you. It is triggering your own experiences of being bullied.

One of the wonderful things about having children is that these things resurface for us and we get another chance to heal our past pain.

Whatever you decide to do in your son’s best interests - can I just invite you to give your own child (younger you) some compassion and space right now for what she went through?

❤️

Sorry this is happening to your DS, it happened to me as a child so I can relate.

Do not send that message. The other parents will either think their little darlings could not possibly bully another child, think your child should stand up for themselves and some won't care. All you can do is raise it with the school in advance and hope they have a strong anti bulling policy

I don’t see why you’d send it now at the end of the year. Surely if you thought it would do any good you’d have sent something to parents earlier when you realised what was happening? Also you should target the parents of the ringleaders, not just the whole class as nobody will take responsibility. Personally I’d have put him in a different school to these little shits but I guess ensuring he’s in a different stream and form to the worst bullies might work. Also make sure you go in very very hard at the slightest sign of trouble at the new school.

I'd alert the new school. And then when he gets there, I'd have a word with his tutor.

I'd not send the message. I'd use the grp to find out info in the same way you have (IE to avoid the other group for setting in etc). They might also post stuff about things you might not know- particularly if they have older siblings. I'd stay cordial and non committal.

Kids will scatter and find new friends at Secondary. Encourage him to seek clubs that align with his interests- hopeful won't be overlap with kids from primary.

Important I think to maintain any out of school friendships that he already has....

And, this might not be politic, but I'd make sure for any plain clothes day he has stuff to wear so he blends in

No, absolutely do not send it! No good will come of it and will cause more harm. I wouldn’t bother joining the group either. How big is the new school? Surely there will be some splitting up of primary school groups. It would be good to tell the new school and, if you know who the ringleaders are, ask for DS to be put in a different class.

HRTFT but that note accuses all their little darlings of being bullies. Whether it's true or not they won't see their DC that way, especially if school have never raised it with them. You'll be putting a target on you DS's back.
By all means attempt to get him placed away from them in his new school.
You describe DS as a bit different and an easy target, is this just because he's the new one? I'd work on his confidence and build friendships away from school, confronting any of the parents won't work.

@Johnhasalongmoustache I completely disagree re
@MissDaisyDot .

I'm sure 'losing my shit shizz is just a phrase.
I doubt there was screaming and shouting, at any teacher.

But Parents can remain calm and polite even when frustrated. If a parent had been dismissed for years, and the old school not taken say bullying seriously, then the suggestion by new school that the dc be put with the bully and made to 'work out out' could actually be deemed highly inappropriate.

I would write to the HT and/or Governors and say that this really wasn't handled well and give examples.

My impression of secondary school is that some kids stick like glue to their friends from Primary and some kids branch out. It is often the popular kids who do the former.

Often secondary school years are divided in two, and the streaming etc is done within that half year. His primary school peers might be more diluted than you think.

Is there a nuture room or similar where he can go?

Good luck, I hope things improve for him.

OP, your ds is having huge social issues and you say he's 'a bit different'. I don't know what you mean by that so might be way off the mark but as soon as I hear those two issues together - especially at the end of Primary school age when things become more obvious - I immediately wonder about ASD. Just a thought as my ds was diagnosed at 11 after similar issues.

I would be going to the new school and discuss the problems DS has had and ask if they can put him in a different class to the ringleaders. I wouldn't send this message and I don't think it's likely to help and could make things worse.
Hope your DS gets his fresh start!

I'm another 'no'!

I know you'll have got the general consensus already but just to reiterate please don't send that message. I know you didn't mean to, but the tone will be massively misinterpreted and you'll upset people and ostracise yourself as well as make things worse for your son.

As others have said, empower him with strategies, make the new school aware so they can keep an eye, and remember that bigger schools mean that kids are more liekly to be able to find a tribe.

Please don't make your older DS feel that he has to be your younger DS's protector - it will not help DS2's self-esteem or coping abilities.

At best, each parent takes it very seriously, speaks to their kids who all take it on board and feel ashamed of themselves.

At worst, (and let’s face it, more likely) the parents all start gossiping about it behind your and DS’s back, talk about it with their kids who also all start talking about it, and all of a sudden it’s an even bigger issue than it already was and your son is completely humiliated.

He wants you to drop it. Give him a chance of a fresh start without riling up the kids who could give him a hard time, AND their parents.

Can he go to another secondary school?

Tempting as it is, don't address other parents, vent your rage at the school.

The streaming you mention can defo be looked into. My DD started secondary school in Sept and we spoke to both her current class teacher (who lets the next school know of friendship groups and issues etc), and spoke to the new school - head teacher and pastoral care and head of year.

long story short she was moved forms (tutor group) as the one she happened to be ‘streamed’ into had a child that I did not want my Dd associated with, so before school started I made my feelings every clear and mentioned her mental healths several times which seemed to strike a nerve and she was moved tutor groups before school started in September.

however if I wasn’t getting support from my kids primary school teacher I would personally take it to the head teacher and then to governors and f I had to. There is still a term left. Do not let this go. You DS school absolutely should be doing something about this. I can only imagine how damaging this has been for him.

I had to leave the country to escape my bully at 11

I wonder if this is an example of your experience, hyperbole and dramallamma behaviour informing your judgement of your son’s experience.

He has already asked you to step back from sending the message?

Definitely do not send that message. Like PP have said, your son's social circle will expand once he starts in his new school so it should be a new world for him. We had some bullying in the last couple of years from my daughter's "friends" and it was awful, but similar to your son, my daughter didn't want any 'fuss'. They're all splitting up for secondary now so the fizz will be taken out of it to some extent. It's a fresh start.

The switch to Secondary can often be a great leveller OP and you might find that things are 'reset', as established groups are split and everyone has to find their feet again. So you may well find that the bullying stops and that your son finds his 'tribe' at Secondary.

The biggest threat to your son now, is his confidence levels. But that will hopefully start to improve in the first few weeks as he starts to settle in. I'm so sorry he has been through this, it is just awful. All the best for him in September x

I don't think the tone of this is right at all. The parents will respond defensively. I don't think it will help DS's cause.

If you are going to send anything, I would suggest, "thanks for this, feeling quite anxious about the move up to secondary school to be honest as DS hasn't found year 6 easy". Are there children who he could identify as less mean/nicer you could arrange playdates with over the summer?

Absolutely don't send that but absolutely give the new school a buzz and tell them that your son has had a difficult couple of years with a few kids in particular and you would prefer that he not be in the same class where ever possible,
I'd even go a little forward and tell them that your son is shy/quiet and you would appreciate them keeping an eye out for him and maybe encouraging friendship with likeminded kids where possible,
I did this and I found that the school had him sitting beside kinder kids which really helped him settle,

A