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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn't be left out of play dates for this reason?

130 replies

conabikeman · 09/06/2024 15:53

I have a 10 year old son and am divorced from his dad.

My custody and work schedule make it very hard for DS to have play dates at our house.

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

He's new to the school and used to get invited to a lot of play dates. I recently find out his circle of friends are having play dates without him, which I suspect may be because I can't reciprocate on the play dates, because he is with his dad (who is not set up to arrange such things). His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

I only just found out that all the kids in that group had a play date at one of the houses on Saturday and DS wasn't invited.

Granted it might be for a different reason but I suspect not.

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

I feel like I've let him down so much and he's such a good kid and has always had such great friends over the years, so this is really breaking my heart.

I do understand that it's annoying if you're always the one hosting the play dates, but I feel so stuck about how to resolve it.

OP posts:
CitrineRaindropPhoenix · 09/06/2024 15:57

Are you able to pick him up from school sometimes and talk to some of the other mums? Perhaps if you explained why you can't host, they will add him in if they're hosting a group?

Otherwise and I know this is a total PiTA, could you take a day's leave to host a play date with one or two people your DS plays with? That might be enough to get everything moving?

littlemousebigcheese · 09/06/2024 15:58

Others might disagree but id speak to a few parents. If you're close enough to trust your son going round their house, you're close enough to say 'hey x, probably being silly but I've noticed x isn't getting invited to play dates anymore and I wondered if you knew why? I feel bad because with y and I separating, I don't want often have chance to host but he is starting to notice that he's left out and I feel crap about it'

Most people aren't shitty on purpose, they might not realise they are excluding him or might think you don't want him going. Often showing a human side and just laying it on the line clears everything up.

WhatASurprisee · 09/06/2024 15:59

You don't have any weekends at all with your child? It's unusual for fathers to have every weekend?

IamnotSethRogan · 09/06/2024 16:00

If you don't have him weekends you wouldn't have been able to go? Unless I've missed something. Maybe they just know you're not available so didn't mention it?

LemonCitron · 09/06/2024 16:00

Maybe try to host play dates during the holidays? And take the opportunity to explain why you can't in term time.

indianwoman · 09/06/2024 16:02

You should be getting weekends! Every other. Otherwise you do all the work and none of the fun.

Zoraflora · 09/06/2024 16:02

Your son may have mentioned to his friends that he goes to his dads every weekend. Would these parents have his contact details?
Could he have been invited and his Dad may have declined?

Octavia64 · 09/06/2024 16:02

In similar circumstances I reciprocated en masse.

So I'd take a day or evening off work and invite pretty much everyone round. Get pizza in, buy bread and cheese and grapes etc and just accept the mess.

It means you've reciprocated at least once and it really does make a difference.

fieldsofbutterflies · 09/06/2024 16:03

Why don't you ever have your child at weekends? Any chance of changing your working hours?

WhatASurprisee · 09/06/2024 16:04

IamnotSethRogan · 09/06/2024 16:00

If you don't have him weekends you wouldn't have been able to go? Unless I've missed something. Maybe they just know you're not available so didn't mention it?

good point how would he even go if you have no weekends? That's not usual to never have your child at weekends only.... why would they invite him if they know you don't have him?

Original poster
conabikeman · 09/06/2024 16:04

WhatASurprisee · 09/06/2024 15:59

You don't have any weekends at all with your child? It's unusual for fathers to have every weekend?

Yes. His dad has him at the weekends and I have the weeks. It's because of the proximity to school. I don't love it but it's always been this way and works for us (until now!).

DS does go to the play dates when invited, even in his dad's time. It's just not possible to his dad to host at his house.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2024 16:04

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

Thats what you need to be looking at rather than thinking other parents aren’t being fair.

What are the after school activities? If you are worried about play dates, I would drop activities and start inviting his friends round after school instead.

Benjina · 09/06/2024 16:07

In the short term: I think you should try hosting playdates during the holidays and half terms, taking time off work to do so if necessary. I would also "go big" if your circumstances allow: inviting a whole group of kids, organising fun activities (pizza making, ice cream sundae making, movies with popcorn, whatever might work with those particular kids). Something that makes a good impression on the kids and on the parents, and shows you're making an effort where you can.

In the long term: it's crazy that you have no weekends with your kids. Can this custody arrangement be changed?

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 09/06/2024 16:09

Does he have after school activities every day? Playdates don't have to necessarily be long. It could be meeting up at the park after school, or just pick both kids up and have them for a couple of hours.

Does he go to his dad's on Fridays? Could you change to Saturday morning and have a playdate Friday afternoons ?

What about the school holidays? Are you around more then?

I used to do Fridays only (sometimes) during term time , but host loads in the holidays. People got used to that and understood. Plus , I came in really handy if they needed help because they were working.

Drivingmissmarigold · 09/06/2024 16:11

Isn't 10 getting to the end of the playdate era anyway? Mine was just off out playing football with friends or out on their bikes at that age onwards, or they'd hop on the bus up to the local pool, no parental involvement unless a friend was staying over. His friends were all very local though which makes a difference I think. I take it his friends aren't local?

ShowerOfShites · 09/06/2024 16:12

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

You cried yourself to sleep rather than cancel the odd after school activity??

Crazycrazylady · 09/06/2024 16:17

Honestly the solution here to to have a chat your ex and explain the situation and arrange that you keep him one sat per month and have giant play dates on that day.
If you never have play dates it's a fact that he will be asked on less play dates if you never reciprocate.

Allywill · 09/06/2024 16:18

Could dad host having some friends - but go out for an activity?

Original poster
conabikeman · 09/06/2024 16:19

Zoraflora · 09/06/2024 16:02

Your son may have mentioned to his friends that he goes to his dads every weekend. Would these parents have his contact details?
Could he have been invited and his Dad may have declined?

No. It all either goes through me and I tell my ex where to drop DS and when (obviously sharing the parents details etc), or DS arranges it himself with his friends.

OP posts:
Ereyraa · 09/06/2024 16:20

No one really wants to do play dates, so for someone who will never, ever be able to reciprocate, I wouldn’t, or not very often. You need to offer something back. What about holidays etc

Gymmum82 · 09/06/2024 16:21

I struggle to reciprocate play dates regularly. So tend to book a day off work once a term or so and have a load of kids round after school and also take them in the school holidays. Sometimes that means having a couple of kids for the full day if their parents work. But it’s ok as it entertains my kids and makes them more likely to be included in future.
No one likes to offer out play dates and it never be reciprocated

Benjina · 09/06/2024 16:23

His dad may not be able to host playdates at his home. But playdates don't have to be at home. Can't he arrange to take your son and his friends to the park, cinema, swimming pool, crazy golf, McDonalds, etc etc etc once in a while?

Notellinganyone · 09/06/2024 16:24

It’s very different at secondary school where parents are less involved but if I were you I would insist on some weekends. Otherwise you get all the grunt work and your ex spends downtime.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/06/2024 16:24

Unfortunately, if you want your dc invited, you have to find a way to reciprocate. After school? Holidays? Or discuss with his df this is impacting him and make a plan together?

You can't just opt out and expect other families to do all the hosting. It isn't reasonable.

Testina · 09/06/2024 16:24

You say he’s new to the school - do it sounds like he hasn’t been dropped from a play date circle, but hasn’t been included in one amongst his new friends?

Bit confused why you not having him weekends is linked to school, but he’s new to this school…?

Take some occasional time off, host a play date.