To think DS shouldn't be left out of play dates for this reason?

[conabikeman]

I have a 10 year old son and am divorced from his dad.

My custody and work schedule make it very hard for DS to have play dates at our house.

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

He's new to the school and used to get invited to a lot of play dates. I recently find out his circle of friends are having play dates without him, which I suspect may be because I can't reciprocate on the play dates, because he is with his dad (who is not set up to arrange such things). His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

I only just found out that all the kids in that group had a play date at one of the houses on Saturday and DS wasn't invited.

Granted it might be for a different reason but I suspect not.

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

I feel like I've let him down so much and he's such a good kid and has always had such great friends over the years, so this is really breaking my heart.

I do understand that it's annoying if you're always the one hosting the play dates, but I feel so stuck about how to resolve it.

This then may be reciprocated. Kids also don't need to go back to someone's house- park is good. Activity is good. Loads of things your ex can do to facilitate friendships too.

Why can’t dad host? Is it a small flat?

Sorry op you are being abit wet. This is eminently fixable but you or Dh need to slightly put yourselves out

I would suggest that you take some annual leave in the next school holidays and host a play date. Your text invite could allude to the fact you’ve wanted to host a play date for a while but it’s not been possible as you work weekends and you are pleased to finally be able to have them round…

I’m confused if he is new to the school it means he hasn’t got a circle of friends yet. Do you mean that his old friends from the previous school do not invite him over anymore?

Yeah I’d not be falling over myself to host a child with parents who didn’t make any effort to reciprocate. All parents are busy and are juggling different priorities but don’t opt out of a pretty standard part of having young kids.

It doesn’t have to be like-for-like play dates but there are lots of ways you take your turn - in the school holidays or taking children home after a shared after-school activity for a start.

I wouldn’t be hosting play dates with people who won’t reciprocate. I think you have to make the effort when you’re parents, and put in what you’d like back from others.

No need to host at your/ your ex husbands house. You say after school activities get in the way

Quite frankly if you're crying yourself to sleep then you need to drop an activity to accommodate mate dates for ds.

Message the parents of his pals and say "I'm taking ds to the park after school for a kickabout and a picnic. Would Johnny, Tommy and Bob like to come with us? Ham sarnies OK?"

So, let me get this transaction thing straight. You would be vote

Just take them to the park and McDonald’s after school one night, and drop them back to their house before your weeknight activities. Or drop an activity as a one-off; DC do this for play dates occasionally.

But you have to at least offer something, otherwise the invites will tail off. You can’t just get the hump that your DC is left out, but think that your circumstances are different to everyone else; play dates are a juggle for most parents.

Sorry. So you would invite a child your child didn't like as much as another because his mum did more "reciprocation"?

No that would be weird.

maybe you are one of the very unusual parents who do have all the time in the world for playdate.

Still, providing free childcare for others who do nothing for you, it's very generous.

Your time is as valuable as theirs.

I think at the age of 10, dcs insist on having children THEY want to have rather than just the children their dpe want to invite. I could have gotten away with inviting who reciprocated at the age of 6 but not 10. My dcs wouldn't have let me leave out someone they wanted.

of course. I wouldn't invite a bully, but if a parent is doing me a favour but inviting my child, I return the favour. I'd still invite the best friend, but I would absolutely return favours.

If it's easier for everybody to invite a small group, or outside, doing some activity or others, so be it.

Dad should be stepping up to arrange play dates at weekends

Perhaps OP could take an occasional half day / WFH to host

Agree with PP, offer on an inset day and everyone will come. I sometimes had 10 kids here. It became an annual tradition

I don't either. But my child also wants to do something different and play at his friends places too. Why should we do the hosting all the time?

@bluewaxcrayon "Still, providing free childcare for others who do nothing for you, it's very generous."

Ah- now that's where we differ. Play dates aren't childcare to me.

We have a much smaller place with no garden of our own, although a very lovely park around the corner. I also have a baby as well. Imagine how tough it is hosting 5 boys, even if my dc loves it, I certainly don't find them easy. There's another boy who tried joining into my dc friendship group. So he went for 5 weeks to each child's house but never not once reciprocated. His parents seem to be very flexible with their time as they both often come for pickup! They are very happy to send their child but never reciprocate. I wouldn't be having him over again.

What a clueless pair! There really are givers and takers in life arent there

I regularly have / had kids over. I had to and this actually took the pressure off me as I could bung a pizza in the oven and semi doze on the sofa. Very few really understand, I just got on with it as best I can. I have a bit more energy now, summer time is best for me. What I was meaning is that I expected reciprocation and when I didn’t get it, I refused to keep having the kids over.

I think you need to think outside of the usual routine from time to time to facilitate hosting. As PP have suggested, take a half day off work, skip an after school activity or host in the holidays.

Come off it you lot - 10 year old boys don't need "childcare" on a playdate

They need food, somewhere to play and chill then taking / sending home

I regularly had upwards of 4 round on my day off. Ds is an only and it's what I chose to do so he wasn't always just with us

I did mass sleepovers (7 or 8 in a tent / on my living room floor) and some never had ds back to theirs because their parents had other kids to think about / didn't want to host.

Not everyone only offers to take back.

Looking after another child to give their parents free time? It absolutely IS childcare.

People who drop their kids and run at birthday parties also see their invitations dry up around here 😂

If you're that upset about it why not take half a day of AL to be able to host a playdate on a weekday? Sure you can't do that very often but for these type of things taking your turn once in a blue moon is waaay better than never.