To think DS shouldn't be left out of play dates for this reason?

[conabikeman]

I have a 10 year old son and am divorced from his dad.

My custody and work schedule make it very hard for DS to have play dates at our house.

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

He's new to the school and used to get invited to a lot of play dates. I recently find out his circle of friends are having play dates without him, which I suspect may be because I can't reciprocate on the play dates, because he is with his dad (who is not set up to arrange such things). His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

I only just found out that all the kids in that group had a play date at one of the houses on Saturday and DS wasn't invited.

Granted it might be for a different reason but I suspect not.

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

I feel like I've let him down so much and he's such a good kid and has always had such great friends over the years, so this is really breaking my heart.

I do understand that it's annoying if you're always the one hosting the play dates, but I feel so stuck about how to resolve it.

Can the dad organise a play date at, for example, laser quest or top golf - somewhere a group of boys can have fun. Otherwise, the likelihood is that your son will miss out on play dates as reciprocity is key.

Can you not have a friend round after school instead of him going to an activity? Or even pick them after the activity if they go together and have the friend for tea?

Why on earth not? Is his dad's house dangerous?

You don't have him any weekends ?

Only week day nights

Does he do an activity every night ?

We do 2 a week so can have time to self - play dates as well as time to do homework a

Good suggestions about hosting the occasional get together for multiple friends at once. I would also casually mention to the other parents that you're sorry you're not able to reciprocate regularly due to the circumstances. I'm sure the other parents would be understanding if they knew the reason. If you just never invite the other children back without any explanation, they will probably start to assume your DS is not that keen on theirs.

This. If he has DS during the ‘fun’ part of the week he needs to attend to his social needs. Could be a trip to the park for football, swimming, cinema with one or two friends.

I think it’s fine to mention to any friends that you are feeling worried and guilty about this issue but is there really no scope at all for you to host? Could you finish work a bit early occasionally and make up the time? Surely not every evening is an activity?

He will very soon be old enough to organise his own social life so it’s important he has good enough friends to do these things with.

I agree with above.

Playdates during the school holidays, or inset day or election day.
I get you are working, but can't you book half a day holiday and organise a big playdate after school?

I wouldn't focus on weekends, if you really want to reciprocate, you can.

Your ex SHOULD organise things at the weekend, there's loads of gathering possible then, but you can't make it. You can still do things on your side.

Frankly, I stop inviting people when they don't reciprocate. My time is as precious as theirs.

If you were taking my kid for a sleepover once on a school night when I really need to go away, I would be over the moon!

Yeah I agree , you have to find a way to reciprocate . Does your child really do activities every weekday for the entire evening ? I think you can find ways around it, if you really want to .
To be honest I found it hard enough to keep up with reciprocating let alone looking for extra kids who never had mine around !
I found playdates to be such a pain , but it has to be done.

Your OP is stating that you don’t think that your son ‘should be left out of play dates for this reason’ but ‘that reason’ is you never reciprocating.

It is completely reasonable for plates to be reciprocal. You need to find a way to offer them, or your son will not be invited to other people’s houses-that’s sort of how it works.

Are you taking any leave over the summer holidays? Maybe organise a few days then. If you're feeling up to it, you could invite a house full, and hope that translates to multiple return invites.

I always found people were delighted if I did whole days on inset days.

It does sound like a lot of excuses and that's probably why he's not being invited, you do need to reciprocate and I don't think it's fair they don't invite you if you won't, his dad could take the kids out they don't need to go to his he could take them to the park

If you aren't able to reciprocate normally, invite a few of them together over a half term or holiday. Or when he's invited, explain he'd love to come but unfortunately you can't have child back because xyz. One single parent in this position always sends a little pack of treats with the child, just a token. No one ever expects her to reciprocate because she's explained. We don't really need the treats but the gesture goes a long way, and the important thing is we all understand there's a "why". Another can't invite children back but takes a few of them out to McD's straight from school on the last day of term. Costs v little per child, means she has to leave work a couple of hours early a few times a year, but again it's the gesture.

I'm all for the idea that playdates don't need to be tit for tat, but your child's friends might be wondering why they're never welcome at yours just like you're wondering why the invites have dried up. Without some degree of reciprocity it can send the message your son or you don't like them, unless you do something to set that straight. So explain before you accept the playdate or find a way to invite them back.

He’s new so may just not be included for this reason , or perhaps his mates know that he is at his dad’s house but the other families don’t know the dad.
Or perhaps he has been invited but the other families are irritated that your family don’t reciprocate.
You get what you put in OP. You and Ex need to look and see if you can be a bit more involved with other families if you want DS to be included.
My son’s best friend has divorced parents and I have the numbers for both parents , have had coffee’s with both , therefore communicate with both of them and DS has slept at both of their houses.
If little Johny was at his dad’s but I didn’t know Dad I would simply ask another child for a play I stead if there were arrangements to make.

You need to have some weekend time with your child.

your ex also needs to figure out how to be a full parent to your child. If he can’t do that, take him to school, manage play dates, activities, and appointments then he is going to have to have significantly less contact time. Parenting is real life, not playtime.

If you tend to work at the weekends, surely you must get time off during the week? Can't you organise something after school then? If you don't make an effort, you can't expect others to unfortunately.

Just host a play date, make time for one.

But you should still have some weekends. It's not fair otherwise. You just get the tired mornings and after school and he gets all the fun. He also does none of the grunt work.

I could never do playdates during the week but worked term time only so hosted bigger ones during half-term term which parents were always quite grateful for.

DD is autistic and doesn't love people in her space so we often go to venues, bowling, cinema etc

On the move to Secondary because we live on the coast I book a Haven caravan outside of season it's cheap as chips and host the girls for a full weekend, the swim and we take board games and they have games and movie nights.

There's no reason your ex can't do something similar even if it's on a smaller scale.

I find it hard to believe that all these people organise weekend playmates?! It's always been family time round here. Are they simply knocking and going out to play? If your ex lives locally why can't he host? Is he in a shared house or similar.

Why can't your son gave someone home after activity or school?

I am so sorry to hear this. I absolutely despise the idea of tit for tat play dates.Nobody knows what's going on in other people's lives. Not sure how to help though-sorry...

And no one knows what's going on in the other peoples lives but they still make the effort. There's ways if you try.

Exactly! Most of the time playdates are either a favour to be reciprocated or an excuse to hang out with other mums while the children play together.

It’s not tit for that.

It’s just reasonable that parents share play dates-they can be a pain in the neck to do, and lots of parents hate doing it…but you make time as a parent as it’s important for the kids.

@conabikeman can you scrap some after school clubs and do a play date once a week instead? We rarely did play dates at the weekend, though we did sometimes get together as a collective with mums/kids and sometimes dads who all got on-especially in the garden in the summer. Is that what happened with the group of friends last Saturday-were parents there too?

So it's ok with you to take and never give? What a bad way to treat people.

Likely you have NO idea what's going on in these people's lives who make the effort to host the play dates.

Op- if you work weekends, then surely a weekday you are off at least?
We are in a group too, (5kids) and do group play dates and each take a turn. 1 weekday every 5 weeks is not hard to ask.
What is your situation- maybe we can help figure it out. Do you not get any time off? Why can't your ex accommodate?

Unfortunately if other parents are hosting, then you are going to rub them up the wrong way if you never reciprocate but always sent him along.