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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn't be left out of play dates for this reason?

130 replies

conabikeman · 09/06/2024 15:53

I have a 10 year old son and am divorced from his dad.

My custody and work schedule make it very hard for DS to have play dates at our house.

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

He's new to the school and used to get invited to a lot of play dates. I recently find out his circle of friends are having play dates without him, which I suspect may be because I can't reciprocate on the play dates, because he is with his dad (who is not set up to arrange such things). His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

I only just found out that all the kids in that group had a play date at one of the houses on Saturday and DS wasn't invited.

Granted it might be for a different reason but I suspect not.

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

I feel like I've let him down so much and he's such a good kid and has always had such great friends over the years, so this is really breaking my heart.

I do understand that it's annoying if you're always the one hosting the play dates, but I feel so stuck about how to resolve it.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/06/2024 20:45

I'm not looking after a child to give their parent free time. I'm facilitating my child having a nice time with a friend -and as an added benefit giving myself free time! Childcare is different.

And the use of "hosting" always makes me smile. An extra handful of pasta in the pot isn't "hosting"!

bluewaxcrayon · 09/06/2024 20:52

CurlewKate · 09/06/2024 20:45

I'm not looking after a child to give their parent free time. I'm facilitating my child having a nice time with a friend -and as an added benefit giving myself free time! Childcare is different.

And the use of "hosting" always makes me smile. An extra handful of pasta in the pot isn't "hosting"!

if that's all having extra children, who are not yours, is for you, then great.

It's not really how it is for most people though. We can't just close the door, and leave them to it for 2 hours, and just make an extra portion of pasta.

AliceMcK · 09/06/2024 21:03

Book a day off work during school holidays to host. There are several mums that I only have play dates with during school holidays. I’m happy to host at mine as I’m a SAHM they have lots going on so I message a few weeks before the holdidays, play date at mine, what’s days are best? Ones a teacher so will be off the others will agree on trying to take the same day off. Sometimes everyone can’t get the same day off but between us we will arrange to take the children whose parents can’t get the time off so no one misses out.

I also tend to throw end of term get togethers, I’m happy to pick kids up the last day of term and throw a little party. Works out well if schools finishing early so parents are not taking a half day off. It’s always the same, chicken nuggets, chips & pizza with lots of crap (Christmas chocolates, Easter chocolates & ice pops). Maybe you could do something like this.

TheaBrandt · 09/06/2024 21:10

Even with my 15 year old I vaguely keep in mind which parents are bearing the brunt of the teen hang outing and ensure we pull
out weight. Ok they don’t need supervising or entertaining particularly but they do eat and having 3 or 4 of them hanging about is a mental load.

CurlewKate · 09/06/2024 21:15

@bluewaxcrayon "It's not really how it is for most people though. We can't just close the door, and leave them to it for 2 hours, and just make an extra portion of pasta."

I'm not suggesting locking them in a room unattended! But surely the whole point is they play together? What did I miss for 15 years of my life?

Otherstories2002 · 09/06/2024 21:21

Different circumstances but I can’t do weekday play dates. Always make a point of saying thank you and giving context as to why we can’t. I also make a point of taking leave during the holidays and arranging play dates.

Delphiniumandlupins · 09/06/2024 21:21

You will need to arrange some play dates for the holidays. Or get his dad to take a group to the park for a game of football or similar. Is your DS feeling left out or is it just you being upset on his behalf?

CurlewKate · 09/06/2024 21:22

Maybe I should run play date masterclasses.....

HollyKnight · 09/06/2024 21:29

If his dad takes him to play dates, then why can you not arrange an activity for him and his friends on a Saturday occasionally? Something like bowling or even just meeting up at the park or playing fields to kick a ball around.

LondonFox · 09/06/2024 21:32

OP are you working 24/7?
Bcs you cannot make weekdays, you cannot make weekends... do you even spend time with your own child?

UK schools have high amount of holidays spread around the year. I find it really hard to believe you are never allowed to take annual leave and host a playdate.

And your child is 10!
All you need to do is spend 15min doing frozen pizzas, cutting them in triangle shape, and having wifi turned on.

IgnoranceNotOk · 09/06/2024 21:37

Sorry OP but a gentle YABU.

You can’t expect other parents to always host - it should be a two way thing.

Either have a night off activities or book a few hours off of work and arrange a play date.

I’d be peeved if it was never reciprocated and I was always expected to have all the play dates here.

SD1978 · 09/06/2024 21:42

You need to organise some play dates, either during the holidays when he is with you, or after school during thr week, potentially because there is no reciprocation they may not be inviting him anymore, although that does sound a bit crap. Why can't dad organise one out at a venue, if you say he can't have one at home?

TheaBrandt · 09/06/2024 21:50

Also sadly no one owes you or your son play dates. There is no obligation on them
to host your child particularly if neither of you ever reciprocate. The tone of your op is that this is “unfair”.

DancingNotDrowning · 09/06/2024 21:58

Take a day off work and have a play date or get dad to host something out of the house.

whilst play dates don’t have to be split evenly there does have to be a level of reciprocation.

Noseybookworm · 09/06/2024 22:25

Can you cut down on after school activities a bit so he can have a couple of friends over for tea and a play? Why can't dad host a few of his friends at the weekend?

NewName24 · 09/06/2024 23:02

His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

Presumably if you 'tend to work at the weekends' then you must either have regular days off in the week, or must be owed a heck of a lot of TOIL.

Why not invite a friend or two over on those days ?

Ottersmith · 09/06/2024 23:28

Did the court mandate that you don't get your son at weekends? This sounds really harsh for you.

Shakespeareandi · 10/06/2024 00:05

conabikeman · 09/06/2024 15:53

I have a 10 year old son and am divorced from his dad.

My custody and work schedule make it very hard for DS to have play dates at our house.

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

He's new to the school and used to get invited to a lot of play dates. I recently find out his circle of friends are having play dates without him, which I suspect may be because I can't reciprocate on the play dates, because he is with his dad (who is not set up to arrange such things). His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

I only just found out that all the kids in that group had a play date at one of the houses on Saturday and DS wasn't invited.

Granted it might be for a different reason but I suspect not.

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

I feel like I've let him down so much and he's such a good kid and has always had such great friends over the years, so this is really breaking my heart.

I do understand that it's annoying if you're always the one hosting the play dates, but I feel so stuck about how to resolve it.

Yes, take half day of work and invite the whole group over after school on a Friday. Or whatever day works best for you. Even if it does mean you cancel an activity for one week.
Or, the dad can take your son and the group of friends to do bowling or similar at the weekend. If your ex can't host at home, he can then still offer a playdate.

There may be other parents in the group in similar situations but they do as above. I understand it's difficult for you, playdates do tend to work on a basis of taking turns hosting. Even if one parent do them less frequently, just once in a blue moon makes a difference. Which reminds me, I need to organise something for my DC and friends too.

wearemodernidiots · 10/06/2024 00:20

Surely you should have him EOW so you can have down/fun time with him, too. That is the standard. His dad should have him a weeknight for dinner instead of every weekend. Yes, he has to work. BUt so do you. So he can figure it out like you do.

I'd go to court over it, tbh

caringcarer · 10/06/2024 00:55

conabikeman · 09/06/2024 16:04

Yes. His dad has him at the weekends and I have the weeks. It's because of the proximity to school. I don't love it but it's always been this way and works for us (until now!).

DS does go to the play dates when invited, even in his dad's time. It's just not possible to his dad to host at his house.

Show quote history

His Dad could invite his friends to bowling if he can't host at home.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 10/06/2024 07:38

I think it would depend what’s in it for me as to whether I’d continue to offer play dates that weren’t reciprocated. If it were one of my child’s favourite friends, they were a pleasure to have over and things always went smoothly I think I’d continue to invite them. If it were one of a group of kids and my child wasn’t too bothered either way I’d probably stop inviting them. Wouldn’t be out of malice but it can get expensive to have your kids friends over all the time- the snacks, pizza/nuggets, fruit, veg, ice creams etc. And I do think the effort should be shared and other families should step up too.

cremebrulait · 10/06/2024 19:02

Instead of making assumptions why don’t you ask parents at drop off or pick up if there’s a parent chat as you’re new and don’t know the culture of arranging playdates etc?

OldPerson · 10/06/2024 19:31

Sorry what?

Why don't you have him any weekends????????

Or spend time with him on any day after school???????????

It sounds like you don't spend any time with your son?

I'd worry about that before I started worrying about play dates.

Just when do you spend any time with your son?

Because that's the time when you can include others.

Sillyname63 · 10/06/2024 19:44

What happens during school holidays are you home during those times? Perhaps you could do it then. Just a quick question but if he was invited on the weekend would his dad drop him off? What do they do together, sport? Or does he just sit around his dads, could you arrange a day at your place could be be dropped there for the two hours as it wouldn't be any different to him going to someone else house. You did say you work weekends, sorry does that mean you work 7 days. If not why can't be have a after school play date.?

LilyPanda · 10/06/2024 19:52

Book a couple of hours off and host.
I wouldn’t keep having a child over when the other parent couldn’t do the same

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