To think DS shouldn't be left out of play dates for this reason?

[conabikeman]

I have a 10 year old son and am divorced from his dad.

My custody and work schedule make it very hard for DS to have play dates at our house.

I don't have him at weekends and after school activities and my own work, rule out weekdays.

He's new to the school and used to get invited to a lot of play dates. I recently find out his circle of friends are having play dates without him, which I suspect may be because I can't reciprocate on the play dates, because he is with his dad (who is not set up to arrange such things). His dad certainly isn't going to give me more time with him, and even if he did, I tend to work at the weekends.

I only just found out that all the kids in that group had a play date at one of the houses on Saturday and DS wasn't invited.

Granted it might be for a different reason but I suspect not.

I'm absolutely devastated about this. I cried myself to sleep over it last night.

I feel like I've let him down so much and he's such a good kid and has always had such great friends over the years, so this is really breaking my heart.

I do understand that it's annoying if you're always the one hosting the play dates, but I feel so stuck about how to resolve it.

It doesn’t need to be exactly reciprocal but it’s really off to never reciprocate if you are being repeatedly hosted by someone. I’ve had this done to me as an adult. It’s baffling I bin them eventually or you feel like a mug.

Exactly, and to be shocked that this would be a reason for someone to stop inviting their child is naive, at best. No one loves play dates. You can’t honestly think it’s just fine that you don’t try, ‘cos divorce’

Dad needs to pull his finger out. If he wants to hog every weekend he needs to do the less palatable bits of parenting too like hosting other peoples kids. He can’t just opt out of the bits of parenting he doesn’t like. Well he can I guess but this is the result. He’s being a shit dad. Does he realise?

No one loves play dates. You can’t honestly think it’s just fine that you don’t try, ‘cos divorce’

Absolutely-I used to hate them!

I once had a parent corner me (no idea why me as our kids never really played together at school) in the playground to complain that nobody had invited their child round for the last 3 years. When I asked who they’d invited round, the answer was ‘no-one’. All our houses were bigger than theirs, was the response given.

Kids don’t care how big people’s houses are-they will play with a box of Lego and eat pizza for an hour or two after school anywhere. Parents care if you never bother to have their kids round but still expect them to have yours anyway, though.

@Roundroundthegarden "So it's ok with you to take and never give? What a bad way to treat people. "

When mine were that age I arranged play dates because my children loved to have friends to play. I didn't do it so mine got invited. Nice if they did, but as I said you have no idea what's going on in other people's lives. Play dates were easy for me. So I arranged them. I didn't keep a tally chart.

if you are happy to be taken for a mug, go for it, no one is stopping you.

Most of us are as busy, have lives as complicated and if not more, we all have problems, but make efforts for the kids. It cannot work if it's always one-way.

In exceptional circumstances, people always help out. Not being bothered to find a couple of half days through the year is just lazy.

I would be all over you like a rash!

Yes, honestly there are a lot of ways to make this happen. But one or other parent (or both) is going to have to step up and make the effort, for the son's sake. The current arrangement sounds like it's working for the parents, but not for the kid.

Nobody expects an exactly equal number of reciprocal playdates, but it looks rude to take all the time and never give back. After a while the invitations are going to stop if it's only going one way.

Shiny - the cheek of her!

No not a visit for visit tally but if I’ve had your Archie over 8 times, fed him, kept him safe, shown him a good time paid for activity etc without one thank you or reciprocating visit or event from his parents….you would need to be a saint not to 🙄

What about getting him into Scouts or some other out of school activity where he can meet children outside of school?

Sorry but mainly people don’t love play dates so yes they have to be reciprocal. Instead of crying you self to sleep (?) work out how you can host. Excellent advice given by previous posters.

maybe dad hosts and pays for Lazer Zone once a term?

@bluewaxcrayon "if you are happy to be taken for a mug, go for it, no one is stopping you."

Why is it being taken for a mug to give my children something that they wanted and which was easy for me to do?

If you can’t reciprocate then you can’t expect him to be invited. Why don’t you do holiday play dates? You could get a group together and take them to the zoo, a theme park, Go Ape etc. Granted, it probably costs more but it will be appreciated and increase his play date popularity.

You must have some times when you can do play dates even if it means you take time off work to finish early to collect him from school to have a friend round.

People saying they hate play dates- I didn't hate them and my children loved them. So why would I say to my children "sorry you can't have Johnny round to play because you haven't been invited to his house." That's just daft.

Could you host at yours if ex is willing? Or take the kids out?

YABU as you and ex make no sort of effort with others but expect effort for your son.

I presume his father, who he's with on a weekend, would take him?

After a while the invitations are going to stop if it's only going one way.

This is true because many of are always repaying playdate "debts", and I always owe a few. I won't go past the ones I have outstanding to invite a child whose parents I don't "owe". Unless it was a best friend or something.

There are certain families who just don't do playdates and this is seen as a preference, rightly or wrongly.

There are normally two things at play .

1. Parents try to "pay back" a playdate so those kids take priority.

1. Even the kids after a while change priorities. A bit, out of sight out of mind , and they ask for the kids they have stronger friendships with. A lot of the time those stronger friendships build on having lots of playdates.

These things might have been easy for you @CurlewKate but I prioritised kids, whose parents reciprocated, at least to a certain extent. I am disabled, have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. I had 2 major surgeries when dd was at primary. So taking on other people’s kids was too much for me when I struggled to look after my own. Too ill to work, dd ended up in after school care 2 afternoons a week.

We all have things going on. I see no reason for the father not to host play dates. Yes people are not prepared to always be the ones putting themselves out.

Yes he could and he could also have play dates and take the kids out but if they don't know the child's father that may be a reason why they don't invite him as they know he is away with his father and probably don't want to intrude

@Mummyoflittledragon surely nobody would expect you to reciprocate in those circumstances???That's awful.

The poster I responded to asked how her son would attend if she wasn't available on weekends. His father is. If they co-parent, she could say "so and so invites DS to a playdate this Saturday, can you take him? I'll let them know and pass you the details if so".

Conversations do help with things.

I'd skip activities one Friday evening. Set up a group what'sapp invite all his mates for a sleepover. Get ex to collect son later on Saturday am and then he can meet other parents too.

Sorry but I find it hard to believe that you can never, ever host a play date. Annual leave? Pick them up after work and take them out? Start having him home one Friday night a month and send to dads on Saturday? I’d be bending over backwards to facilitate this. Your someone have friends at his dads if he lives with you near school.