Husband to not attend nursery graduation?

[AleenaM]

Nursery graduation at the end of the month and summer party right after, but husband says he has a sports/hobby competition that day. Don't know if he's joking but even the suggestion annoys me.

AIBU to expect him to attend party? Child won't graduate again but I'm sure they'll be competitions again. He is just getting back into this sport and it's a regional competition, it's not like a once in a lifetime olympics or something ...

I've left a few jobs and other than going out for a few drinks on my last day with a handful of immediate colleagues there was no fanfare.

Some immediate colleagues were unable to attend. I wasn't heartbroken because I realise people have lives, and I'm not the centre of everyone else's universe.

This child will have 1 parent smiling and waving and maybe shedding a tear - like most of the other children. Once the singing and waving bit is over the child will play around with their friends and the parents will chat to each other. So long as someone is there for the child it is perfectly fine.

It doesn't need to be both.

You may not agree, but that doesn't make you more right than me. I'm not more right than you. The huge majority of parents who have replied have said it's not necessary for both to attend. For some people it's highly important, for others it's not. Neither is wrong. But if a poster asks AIBU it's ok for over 90% of people to say "I think so, yes."

I think a nativity is quite different tbh.
I’m assuming this graduation is just a certificate or something ( at most) and that every child gets one regardless ( unlike a degree that requires several years of targeted application). At most they walk up, get it, walk back , sit down. There’s no real input from the child - hence why I think most nurseries don’t even bother . A nativity, on the other hand, involves lots of practice and is a big thing for them. An audience is an integral part of it- and the children and singing are adorable and a special memory. If parents have to pick and choose I’d go for that. I went to my dcs nursery “ last days” ( not called anything as grand as graduation) and they were total non events: tea and coffee for parents, children ate party rings and got a cheap easy reading book. I’m honestly not sure some of them grasped what was going on. My DH is a hands on dad but he saves it for the memorable occasions or ones where dcs notice him being there. I think he’d have been fairly irate if I’d pulled him from meetings to stand with a foam cup of coffee while nothing much happened.

For my DCs 'graduation', key workers did a small speech (about a minute) for each child, which they said at each child went to get their certificate. They did have songs they performed that each child had practised. They started practicing in the May (they lined it up to run alongside when children started getting their taster sessions etc). They had a little afternoon tea afterwards, and then a party. My DC saw this as an occasion, and I chose to show up.

Nursery graduation is a just a cutsie little Nursery show with a bit of singing to celebrate the end of Nursery.
It's really not a big deal if dh doesn't go, as long as one of you are there, and you obviously want to go so that's fine .

Same. Our private childcare nursery doesn't do anything, but the preschool did a graduation.

I'm not bothered about the cap and gown bit (although DD LOVED it and now asks for a photo of me in my cap and gown every time I go to graduation at work), but they had prepared a special song, sang other songs they had been singing all year like their Good Morning song, each of them said what they want to be when they grow up. Then they got to show us around (extra special as it was a covid year). Most DC had two parents, and I would have been unimpressed at DH choosing not to go as it was important to DD, and a perfectly lovely couple of hours for the parents too.

Definitely more important than her first two nativities where she just stood and sang in the choir (and which were of course also very sweet).

A milestone? An actual milestone? Inchpebble, maybe.

Yes, leaving nursery to start primary school is a milestone. HTH.

Loving inchpebble 🤣🤣

A lot of posters arguing it wasn't a big deal for their kids. I can't help but wonder if that's because you downplay the event; don't acknowledge it as an important milestone; or otherwise celebrate your child's moving on? Wonder why not? Why have so many of you called it ridiculous, faff, ott, an Americanisation etc and said it's good enough if one family member goes or that you didn't go, wouldn't go, couldn't be bothered?
Why are you teaching your kids not to get excited?

Because of everything you’ve said! It isn’t an important milestone, it is an Americanised event, a faff, OTT. What 4 year old can actually remember leaving nursery anyway? Most of them aren’t excited because they don’t have a clue what it’s all about!
It’s virtue signalling nonsense.

Thanks for replying. I think it is those things to you, but why? Of course a 4 year old won't think it's anything if they're not told. But why wouldn't you want to mark the occasion in some way? What sorts of things do you cekebrate and how?

We did mark the occasion. We had a cake at home. And one of us went to each of DC's nursery leaving picnics. It just isn't big enough a deal to need both of us taking leave or, in OP's case, missing a significant other personal event.

We will want to mark the occasion when it's DD. But, if it's a ceremony at nursery during work hours and one of us can't take it off, that's just how it is. If there's something important on at the same time, that's just how it is. We'll mark it as a family in a way that we're able to.

One of the reasons our nursery didn’t make a big thing of it was that some small children actually get distressed by change and so the nursery tries to downplay the transition rather than making a huge deal of it. Of course they tell them they will go to Big School soon, but having a day where much fanfare is made of “ This Is The Day You Cease To Come To The Nursery Which is Frankly All You Can Remember Doing” is not actually the right approach for many. They focus on the fun of the arrival where they are moving on to NOT the leaving behind of the familiar. Many moved on to the same schools and they had exciting days where they all visited and had ice cream etc.
The leaving day had no ceremony and was really a chance for the parents to come in and say goodbye to the teachers etc .

Exactly. My son was much less confident at that age than my daughter. He really benefitted from it being covid affected so he didn't visit the school first, he just turned up on the first day and that was far easier for him. DD loved the transition visits and was really excited about school but she still fell apart when they did a bit of a ceremony at nursery where they got a certificate and a teddy and refused to come forward.

The laid back just having a picnic approach would have been best for both of them.

But again, the DH isn't at work, he's prioritising a hobby. Would you, personally, as a mother, choose a new hobby over your child's Nativity/leaving ceremony/concert? I don't think many mothers would.

My DC had their preschool graduation recently and it was the sweetest thing! The kids wore gowns, had prepared a show etc. I wouldn’t miss it and would be annoyed if my DH even thought about missing it for a hobby.
to add: the graduation was on a Saturday and we had 4 months notice of the date.

It depends what it is. If it's a really important event to me, I'd weigh it up. For me, personally, and for DH personally, watching DD grow up is our favourite thing. But, if an event for one of our hobbies that's important to us, because we are more than just parents, came up, we'd decide. We are still humans in our own rights.

Leaving ceremony for nursery is very different to a leaving ceremony for school aged 16. Nursery "graduation" totally different to university graduation when you've worked for that cap and gown. So I'd weigh it up and attend what was most important to me to ensure we have a properly balanced life. And to model to DD that if she chooses to have children, she is still a person in her own right and can do more than just be a mother.

Depends if the other parent can make it. I don't see my attendance in isolation. If neither of us could make it without booking leave/missing a hobby we would figure out who was going to go. Usually we would both go. But I don't see it as significant if one of us isn't there.

Personally I wouldn't miss the nativity or any performance but I wouldn't be be bothered about leaving events. DH has booked leave for Sports' Day this year thank goodness so I'm spared that tedium.

Tbh my DH goes more often to my dcs sports days and matches than I do. I don’t see that as me being a hands off mum; it’s just divide and conquer.

I have sometimes gone alone to music concerts etc during working hours because he has a high pressure job that doesn’t really expect/ allow for them to be popping out to hear a sweetly sung version of “ pop a little pancake” on Pancake Tuesday. He’s only attended weekday prizegivings when we were told dc was getting prizes in advance. I have more flexibility and go more often . I don’t feel I’m letting him off the hook; we both contribute in our own ways.

I do get it that op’s ceremony is at a weekend which does shift things a little imo.

I do get it that op’s ceremony is at a weekend which does shift things a little imo.

That really is the key thing here that so many posters (not all I know) are missing. It's not a conversation about the juggle between work and children and the benefits of flexible jobs that allow you to attend these things. That really is a struggle for most families.

It's a hobby.

But if the hobby is important to you, and the child's event is a thing that many here have said isn't that big a deal, why do you have to miss the hobby?

Being a fulfilled person makes you a much better parent. Giving up everything because you're a parent isn't the way forward.

Do what works for you.

Exactly. It being a weekend doesn't change it for me.

Exactly. Mon-Fri = work, childcare juggles
w/e = time away from work and childcare. A break is important.

nb obviously I'm generalising with the Mon-Fri and w/e commitments.

To be fair, both my dc had nursery graduations. I was reminded of this recently when I got a bunch of photos out for a 21st clip I was doing.

I cannot remember either of the days, I cannot remember if their dad attended or not, the only reason I recall it at all, is because I saw the photo.

If you are still here OP, in the grand scheme of things, it is just another ceremony that you will attend for your child. There will be a mountain more of them, you will be at some assembly, event, celebration at least monthly for the next, say 16 years.

Both of you are not going to be able to attend every one of these. So perhaps have a discussion now about going forward that at least one of you attends each occasion.