Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

No-one resents privilege, in the main. It’s the poor hard done by attitude that a lot of the privileged exhibit that gets up people’s noses.

theres a reason David Beckham called his wife out for showing off her working class credentials. If your dad drives you to school in a roller, you’re not working class. The girl grew up privileged. Just acknowledge it.

Anyone who thinks this is just jealousy is part of the problem. But, as MN is probably heavily skewed towards the middle class in terms of contributors it’s not surprising.

VB said she was working class so that she was accepted and not judged. This is the thing I remembered people saying that Lily Allen was a posh bitch and should not get much attention because of that. It is mad. Only in this country people are so obsessed with this shit. It is toxic.

@hairbearbunches agree.

As a person on a low income and from a poor background I feel insecure around my friends who grew up with privilege and who fail to admit it. I feel they often imply I could be doing more to better my situation, which really stings, but in reality I work so hard all the time and am trying so bloody hard. Yet they have houses purchased by their parents, trust funds etc. They think the fact they work validates that they deserve all they have and must have achieved it by themselves.

But they often show frustration at me for expressing exasperation at my living situation (private rental in expensive area that I can't move from), not wanting to go to expensive meals out and so on. One time a "friend" chastised me after a meal for not "spending enough" and sharing a main course, chips and a few (expensive) drinks. I am a LP and spent £50 for me and my son. I was so upset and then she just brushed it off and blamed it on her being drunk. But the implication was I was a tight arse, rather than struggling for cash.

This is why I keep very quiet when friends bring up money. You never know who is filing away this information to throw in your face later.

This has happened to me when a friend who’s business was failing (previously she had a very expensive lifestyle) shouted in my face over drinks in front of people that ‘it’s ok for me, I have loads of money!’ She’d enquired a few years previously when she was doing well, how much I was paid and naively I was honest . Now things weren’t so great for her, it was time for me to ‘check my privilege’.

I also tell my kids not to talk about what we have at home. Many people in this country can’t cope if you have £1 more than them.

Everything you said in your initial post was spot on and your follow up post was clearly lighthearted. I think some posters on this app need to lighten up a bit 😆

We all operate in a state of self delusion a lot of the time. About how clever, interesting, important, loving, beautiful, rich/poor, moral , competent we are. Those delusions allow us to feel ok about ourselves. Your friend is no different to all of us craning in the mirror to beautify our mediocre-looking selves, so just smile indulgently at him, the ego has to work hard to protect itself!

Ah, it's one of those stirring posts where OP never returns.

In this case YABU. He was singled out in a conversation and defended himself. If your post was about someone who was complaining about how hard their life was everyday in these circumstances then you'd have a point. The third party was a dick.

People like him, need people like you. Ending this friendship creates a bubble.

Also is he a horrid person generally? If so fine and if, otherwise... Don't.

It’s just about perspective. I have no idea what politics in particular you are discussing but in some circumstances it’s irrelevant and might be why he’s reacted like this.

Ie. You’re talking about disability benefits and the those who are actually unlucky in life. When you’re comparing that it doesn’t matter if OP has 500k, 1 Mill or 10 Mill. If your well, you’re just as privileged as him in that respect.

If you’re talking about those on lower incomes. Well that is irrelevant too. He’s on 200k. That is apples and oranges regardless of the inherited wealth.

Do you see where I am going with this.

hattie43 · Today 06:10
This bloody word ' privilege' again .
Privilege is everywhere , someone is always more privileged than someone else get used to it”

This. I imagine some Neanderthals had bigger caves and sharper spears than others. That’s life.

Why does this matter?

I'm not trying to be funny but if he doesnt accept he's privileged, that's his perogative cos the definition of privilege is opinion.

Yes he is wealthy and could retire tomorrow, but instead he works to support his family and cover his outgoings, just like many og the rest of us. Yes I dont have £10m worth of proprty and got nothing from the bank of mum and dad but i dont begrudge my brother for being a multi millionaire cos he worked for it and continues to work.

Find a better reason to end a friendship youre not happy with.

I wonder if you're a good friend to him based on asking this question. YABU

I think if I was ambushed like this during a discussion I’d be the one to back away from all the so called friends associated with it. He was ambushed and you all expected him not to defend himself. If he’s worked hard then it’s hardly fair to label the result of that hard work as ‘privilege’. Sounds like a big dose of the green eyed monster to me.

I think the so called friend who brought up the subject of his wealth in the first place is the one ‘staggeringly unaware and tactless’.

Your friend has really done nothing wrong by inherting his parents' fortune and being a high earner. On the other hand - he seems tone-deaf.

It's almost like you want him to grovel and apologize for being wealthy. He's not gloating or rubbing it in your faces, so you should just leave him alone. True friends celebrate each other's success, achievements and well-being. They don't resent them, and they don't expect their rich friend to 'know he's privileged' I'm saying this from the POV of someone who hasn't a penny to their name with lots of wealthy friends!

I think it's human nature to get defensive when someone points out you are privileged without any context.

I don't know what was said by him that followed other person to call him privileged. Did he say Tories are better because of their economic and tax related policies?

As I know the details, I can't comment. In general after a while people of very different economic backgrounds cannot relate and that can impact friendships.

It is very natural/normal for 'successful' people to disproportionately credit their own efforts and downplay the impact of luck (and for 'unsuccessful' people to do the opposite).

I'm not a fan of the phrase 'check your privilege' but it is a good thing to remind yourself to a) count your blessings and b) be aware that your perspectives/worldview are not shared by everyone. Self-awareness is a trait I value in my closest friends so, whilst I wouldn't end a friendship over an isolated instance like this, if it was part of a pattern we'd end up drifting apart (and have done in some cases).

The overwhelming majority of people have some form of privilege
there a lot to context and tone in conversations like this
presently you have to feel like u have to be eternally, grateful and apologise for having anything

I wouldn’t be worry about ending your friendship if he’s anything about him he’ll beat you to it

love the I generally don’t care comment

Perhaps he was wrong not to admit. Perhaps he felt that it would not stop there. Op, what did you want to get out of him by his acknowledgement. I say this as someone who in this country is disadvantaged but in mine, am privileged. I do get scrubbed off by people who ate unaware of their privilege. At the same time am wondering what the end game here was? You by just living in this country are more privileged than over a billion people. It's great if you always acknowledge this every time politics and global inequality is discussed and hopefully you go beyond acknowledgement to take action to effect change. That would be the only goal in my eyes for such a discussion. But perhaps your friendship has expired. Cut the strings. You don't have to make a sermon of it

yabu, if you start comparing wealth and privilege you had better be the one with no feet - in the old saying "I envied a man for having shoes, until I met a man with no feet" The truth is if you are born in the west you are likely to be more privileged than most of the worlds population.

Your friend’s financial situation is none of your business. And raising it in a political discussion (‘well, it’s alright for you…’) is pretty crass and is of course going to put him on the defensive.

People lead different lives and have different opinions. Live with it,

And considering abandoning something as precious as a friendship because of a disagreement like this is, frankly, babyish.

It doesn't sound like you're a great friend. I can understand him becoming defensive. If you can't handle his privilege, maybe step away from the friendship. This says more about you, though.

Good point by PP, what did your friend, or you hope to get from this particular discussion? I assume none of the 3 of you are exactly on the bread line. So you are all privileged. He just happens to have a better job and more assets. Maybe he was trying to explain that looking at him thinking he's privileged is a futile exercise and you yourselves are not exactly destitute. He works. He is educating his daughter and making sure she doesn't grow up entitled. Sounds like a decent human.

Why did the friend not single you out as also being privileged?

This is a made up post to stir shit. The poster did not come back. So many sad people out there.