Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

I find it astonishing when people can't see their privilege, especially when it is as obvious as that.

DH and I had a rather heated exchange a few months ago when I referred to him as privileged (good comfortable childhood, not brilliant but ok parents, opportunities around when we were younger etc). I told him all the ways in which I was privileged (childhood was marred by the very early death of a parent, occasionally abusive parenting and dad and step mum losing all their money in the late eighties/early nineties when I was a teen - but I can still see the privilege I did have!).

I wouldn't end an otherwise good friendship over this though. He sounds very 'blinkered' to put it politely - maybe he needs more thinking time...

This is really none of your business, OP.

I was in a houseshare.
One evening, a top businessman was brought over, and two of my housemates really thought we (the other two) could learn a lot from him.
He had inherited two successful pizza shops from his Dad. He set up a third, that struggled badly and he was advised to close it down. But then Dominos arrived in town and bought all three from him for an absolute fortune.
It was clear that those three really thought there were useful lessons in that for us. Bonkers.

It’s a bit irritating but if he’s a good bloke otherwise then I wouldn’t end the friendship. Loads of people are a bit deluded about at least one aspect of their personality or circumstances. I know a good few people who do a lot of moaning about their health/ family relationships/ husband and in the same breath always go on about how the thing is, because they never moan and just get on with things, everybody just assumes “good old Lauren” is fine, but actually she struggles too etc… Similarly people who are pretty demanding but insist that their problem is that they always put other people first and at some point they are going to have to start saying “no” and have you scratching your head because they have loads of family support, flexible working and no known history of leaping to the rescue of your mutual friends or their wider family.

Most of us have our foibles.

If you don’t care how wealthy he is, and why is it any of your business anyway OP, then why do you feel he has to understand that he is privileged.

Presumably he’s been a friend for a long time and his wealth hasn’t been an issue so far so why is it an issue now?

I reckon the above is why lots of people find mediums accurate. When they tell a 50 year old woman (my age) that she’s a very caring person and she’s cared a lot in her life but she’s not always taken enough care of herself and maybe it’s time to start doing that; not many of us are going to think “Hang on! I’m a right selfish cunt me! What is she on about?”

I dare say if someone tips up in a nice car with expensive hair and trappings they get told “You’ve done well in life but it’s come at a cost and it’s not always been easy…” and most people will be only too happy to agree with that.

DH and I always considered ourselves financially "ok". Then we gained a DSIL who grew up in an overcrowded social housing flat, who considers us posh, and another DSIL who grew up on his parents country estate and thinks we are poverty stricken.
It's all relative innit.
However much we have, we always want more.

I can't stand this 'check your privilege' bullshit. It's related to the 'white guilt' bullshit. So people must feel bad for even existing. No-one chose a particular life that was handed to them.

Everyone has hardships even rich people, shock horror. Perhaps a richer person might have experienced more horrors than another poorer person. People have no idea what others go through. And money is far from everything.

Also, by that token everyone is more privileged than someone or something. Aside from perhaps the most unfortunate specimen in the world, whoever that may be?!

That being said, it is obviously a fact that your friend has had a "hand up" in terms of finances and is in a better position than most were he to lose his job. I'm not sure that warrants him feeling overly aware at all times of how lucky his is, but perhaps being privately greatful of it, like everyone should appreciate the good things that they have in life as a way to remain humble. But definitely not as a whipping stick to flog themselves with.

I can't stand this 'check your privilege' bullshit. It's related to the 'white guilt' bullshit. So people must feel bad for even existing. No-one chose a particular life that was handed to them.

Everyone has hardships even rich people, shock horror. Perhaps a richer person might have experienced more horrors than another poorer person. People have no idea what others go through. And money is far from everything.

Also, by that token everyone is more privileged than someone or something. Aside from perhaps the most unfortunate specimen in the world, whoever that may be?!

That being said, it is obviously a fact that your friend has had a "hand up" in terms of finances and is in a better position than most were he to lose his job. I'm not sure that warrants him feeling overly aware at all times of how lucky his is, but perhaps being privately greatful of it, like everyone should appreciate the good things that they have in life as a way to remain humble. But definitely not as a whipping stick to flog themselves with.

I personally have ended a few friendships because they are resentful towards what I have. This obsession with acknowledging privilege is idiotic. People can hide money and properties and pretend they are much less well off. I believe is the English way.
I was the recipient of hate by the wife of someone I used to consider a friend. She just couldn’t stand I was raising my children as a SAHM and did not have to work. Now I understand why she felt entitled to do this. It is actually socially acceptable in this country. By all means end your friendship. Pretty sure you would be doing both a favour. What is your friend getting from this friendship? He probably has thought of this anyway. I was drained after being out with that lot. So glad they are not part of my life anymore.

P.S. I posted that once, not twice. But I suppose it was worthy of re-iteration 😉

It really wasn't.

1. Gifted a huge amount and more or less plumped for property when smart people would have created income generating assets.
2. Right t.w.a.t. nowt to be ashamed off if you come into money, that's how most wealthy people get it. But he has all the tools to never work again.

IMO it can be very hard to remain friends with people who are so staggeringly unaware and tactless about their own situation, especially when yours is difficult in comparison.

I guess you have to think about what the friendship offers beyond this and whether it's worth remaining friends. How he behaves towards you in general, whether he brings you joy, comfort and cares about you.

What’s it of anyone’s business? You sound weird like the op.

Oh puhleese.

I wouldn't say this was friendship ending!

It sounds like he was feeling a bit attacked by whoever it was talking about the house etc.

And he's clearly not stupid, and does work hard, if he's on 200K a year.

@LightDrizzle, 🤣 But also, great point. The second paragraph is I suppose showing that we judge people upon first meeting them and I suppose how lucky we consider them depends on the parameters we are judging them by. They could be very rich but have been orphaned at a young age or horribly abused. Equally, they could be very poor but be very loved and have wonderful family around them.

What's t.w.a.t.? Turd with a trustfund?

What on earth??

When did we lose the ability to debate in this country? OP would you rather live in an echo chamber - because ending friendships every time you hear something you don't like will lead you precisely there.

No one likes to think good fortune fell into their lap. Your friend likely has worked hard. You don't know everything that may or may not have happened in his life.

What is it precisely you want him to do? Be ashamed for being successful? Eternally martyr himself? Pay reparations?

I hate this race to the bottom were in where if people dare to have something others don't then they're awful people

@Sweden99, by "I posted that once, not twice" I meant exactly that. For some reason my post was put up twice. I was, of course, half-joking but everyone thinks what they say has merit otherwise why say it?

I'm intriuged over which part you take umbridge with? Perhaps focus on that so we can have a proper discussion?

come again? what is your problem with what I wrote?

Showing staggering cluelessness about his privilege means he's also clueless about the OP and her life. If a friend is so clueless about your life, it implies a selfishness, lack of empathy, a lack of shared understanding and is dismissive of the OPs struggle.

However if the friendship is balanced by other factors, or they are a kind and caring friend in general then it just seems that they are clueless on this one aspect. It's all about looking at the positives and negatives of the situation as a whole.

@zingally I think that is key. If the OP is seen as being lazy and rubbish nad hence poor, it is a major issue.
If it is a defensive and insecure comback it is different.

@Sweden99 yes I find that is a big issue with people who come from privileged backgrounds and are unaware of it. They often infer others are lazy or whatever and deserve being poor when usually it couldn't be further from the truth. I guess this comes from subconscious insecurity about not having achieved their position without this privilege, and is an easier way to deal with it without having to admit it.

@spearker, 150 years ago, people used to desperately cover up being 'new money' and desperately aspite to be 'old money'. These days it is the other way round.
From the OP to Musk, it was a remarkably good hand played very well. But acknowledging the former seems to undermine the latter, which is a shame.