To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

OP didn’t decide to be a parent to the other kid either. ‘Stepparent’ is literally just a title that means ‘married to a parent’, it isn’t a defined role.

She is part of the kid’s life and family, but she’s not her mother and she’s not responsible for her.

Mumsnet can’t have it both ways on this issue. It’s always trotted out that step mums are nothing. They aren’t the bio mum, they have no say in the parenting of the step child. Then on the other hand if the step mum acts like they are primarily the mother of their bio children they are criticised for not prioritising the step children in all decisions. It’s a total gotcha and I feel incredibly sorry for everyone involved in this impossible decision.

So when I take one of my bio children and leave one behind or DH does the same is that us not accepting the other?

No. Go and have a good time with your children,

It depends on your reasoning for why you take one child out over the other. Do you leave the eldest at home because once you had another child you don’t want to spend time with the first one anymore & prefer to be with the younger ones?

Absolutely spot on👏👏

I think it’s mean to not include your stepdaughter. Comments about her mum taking your kids are daft. They’re not her stepchildren.

You signed up to be a stepparent so you should accept this comes with including the stepchild.

So are comments about ‘you signed up to be a stepparent’, and extrapolating it to mean she’s obliged to consider her stepchild her daughter.

She signed up to be her husband’s wife, that’s it. She didn’t become responsible for his daughter, no matter how much you may want this to be true.

Why is it harder to justify if it’s paid for from the family pot ? If OP’s DH was going then yes, but it’s just OP. I doubt her DH’s ex takes OP’s kids on holiday with her.

Definitely this @LilyPanda.

I can completely see both sides and don’t know what to solution is, but it is sad you can’t organise to do something with your biological children. I know the rules probably change when you become a step parent, but if DSD gets one on one time with her biological parents, why can’t yours?

Why ? She married DH, she has no obligation to be a parent - DSD already has two. Visitation with the non-resident parent is to facilitate contact between parent and child, not step-parent and child. In this case DH is not going on the holiday - it would be totally different if he was. Why should OP feel obligated to take her DSD on a holiday she wants to use to spend time with her own biological children, in the same way that DH’s ex does with hers ?

Or, and I know this will seem wild and unimaginable to you, she's not taking her because she wants to have quality time with her biological children.

DM has quality time with her biological children. DF has quality time with his biological children. Why is OP not entitled to the same? 'because that's what she signed up for when she married a man with children' isn't a good enough reason.

Also, a 16 year old abroad absolutely does need the same level of supervision and care as a younger child. In some respects more so, as they have far easier access to things like alcohol and night life. Then when DSD ends up drunk and lost abroad, OP would be hung out to dry by DM and DF for not supervising closely enough.

Would you think it ‘sad’ that the ex doesn’t take OP’s children on holiday with her ? After all they are DSD’s half siblings. Ex gets to spend time with her biological children, why is so unfair that OP does the same ?

Yes.

Yes to what ? You need to quote the post you’re replying to.

Sometimes yes. I have holidays with just my two children, sometimes I have holidayed with all of them. DH takes just his eldest, also sometimes takes two and leaves the youngest with me. A mix really. Sometimes he just takes the middle one and camps with his brother and one of his kids. It just depends what we’re doing. I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable managing all 3 children swimming etc.

If your DH can't afford to take time off work then he isn't charging enough. I say that as a self employed person and an accountant. When you are self employed you need to charge enough to cover sick time and holiday time etc.

Aside from that, I think that DH should be going with you and taking your SD.

My DH’s exW used to say this. Then she spilt up with her husband, who had a daughter, so her step daughter and said she didn’t have capacity to help maintain the half siblings relationships. Fair enough, I thought. But it made her a hypocrite.

Its my belief that once married, step-children should be treated as your own, as much as feasible.

Consequently, I think it's unreasonable. Poor girl will no doubt feel alienated and othered by this.

That's just my view though.

Make sure DH has something fun to do with his daughter when she visits while you are away.

Thats for DH to sort out, not for OP to ‘make sure’. She doesn’t have to sort it because she is female.

My view.

As I said, I have a real issue with those on here who entered into the relationship via an affair. Despise those situations, no need for them. Then they go on about 'angry ex-wives' - why shouldn't they be pissed off?

But just don't go into a relationship with a man with children. How hard is it to just avoid? I mean - come on!

Strange argument. The ex wife has not been raising the OP's kids from when they were toddlers and they have not at any point lived under her roof.

However her dh is working, which I guess he needs to do so op can go on holiday with the children considering op they share money.

op is there an option for you to do overtime so your dh is able to take a few days off to take the children away?

‘I have an issue’ - yes, and as such it’s for you to deal with, it’s not anyone else’s problem.

Funnily enough I imagine people will continue to do what they like regarding who they get into relationships with, and will continue to decide for themselves what being a stepparent practically means for them. You may not like it, but oh well, you don’t have to. What you get to do is be mad about it, I guess.

I've not seen a single poster saying they were the other woman. I think you're letting your assumptions cloud your judgement.