To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

It needs explaining clearly that your husband won’t be there and in the same way your step child’s mother won’t be taking your children away on holiday, you won’t be taking hers. It’s a grey area granted but I think that sounds fair enough.

They’re not going to be women actively engaged in an affair if they’re talking about step children and holidays.

No but their relationships may have started out that way of course!

Me too. That's why I made sure the divorce had gone through prior to the first date.

Its hard enough taking 2dc away on your own. Taking a third one who isn't your child is saint territory.

A family holiday abroad is different to the cinema.

Sure, but neither require OP to take her stepchild. She’s taking her kids on holiday the same way the stepchild’s mother takes hers.

It’s not ‘a family holiday’ when her actual parent isn’t going.

What’s stopping her mum from taking her? When my
kids were 16 they didn’t want to hang out with 12 year olds.

I step up as a step parent every single day. I (not we, I) put a roof over their heads, do school runs, take to and pay for activities, organise days out, console the when they're upset and attend every school function. Minus the roof over their heads, I do all that with DP and support him to be the best dad he can be.

Their DM doesn't even speak to them the 50% of the week they're with her, outside of telling them it's lunch/ dinner time or asking them to 'piss off out'.

I'm happy to fit whatever narrative suits you whilst putting my kids (and advocating for other SMs to do the same!) first.

Honestly does a 16 year old really want to go away for a week in summer (to what sounds like maybe a eurocamp or something) with SM and two younger siblings? Read enough posts on here about non blended families with a 15, 16, 17 year old who makes it clear they don’t want to be on the family holiday with younger siblings etc and is surgically attached to their phone/doesn’t want to go on daytrips. As you say the FOMO is from the mum… not the DSD herself…

Has step mother offered to take your two on holiday? :)

YANBU for wanting just time with your kids. If the DSD feels comfortably part of your family, and gets on well with you and the kids, she might feel sad that she isn't invited, though. But that will be up to your DH to explain - he's choosing not to go on holiday.

The onus here isn't on you taking your 16yo DSD away, it's on your husband to ensure his daughter doesn't feel like she's missing out (by doing something with her himself). Or indeed to tell his ex to stop stirring.

If your husband chooses not to take his daughter on trips and give her similar experiences to those you are giving with your own children, then that's on him.

If I was divorced, I would expect my ex-husband to be taking my children away on holiday not their step-parent taking them away on their own. They would be visiting my ex-husband to spend time with him, that's the whole point of visitation, to enable the other parent to maintain relationships with their child, not farm them off on holiday with their new partner while they work.

I think children's ages are important. If your 2 are much younger than DSD - then its easy to explain to her that she wouldn't enjoy something babyish.

And if the man was already divorced, then don't get together with men who have children unless you're prepared to 'step' up as a step parent.

Just because someone wants a holiday without the DSD doesn't equate to not "stepping up"

We have 2 holidays booked without DSC but that doesn't mean I haven't rearranged my work life to accommodate transport to activities, homeschooling them during Covid (neither parent could stay home) ferrying them to/from exams now study leave has started, ensuring they are happy/fed/have everything they need spend time with them when they're here (even when DH is away)
Spent £1000's on days out/holidays, girls days out shopping etc.

A 16yr old is going to want to do very different things to a 12 yr old And younger and quite incompatible with only one adult present IMO

YANBU at all, especially for less than a week and I doubt with those ages the DSD would be too bothered.

Nope, a stepparent doesn’t in fact have to take on a parental role, regardless of how mad about that you get.

The main things that occur to me about this are:
the age differences in the kids - what a 16 year old wants to do and how they behave can be very different to 11/12 year olds. I mean, teen hormones raging and all that...will she be on the look out for a holiday romance?!

You've known her and she's been part of your blended family since she was a toddler so I suppose she may feel she could be part of it. However, has she said so or is this coming from her mum? Does she get to go away with her mum and any other half siblings? She's old enough to understand the situation.

I think it is key that she lives mainly with her mum and doesn't have a close relationship to your DD. Her dad, your DH, needs to think about this too and speak to his ExW.

But surely the ex wife knows nothing about how their finances are split so it’s really non of her business? I wouldn’t be telling her who’s money is funding the trip…

Isn't it sad that you have been in this girl's life since she was a toddler and you don't view her family enough to take her with you on a family holiday that her father is contributing to ?

She is near enough an adult and needs very little in the way of supervision or care while on holiday too . If anything she will be more help than hindrance. You are literally not taking her purely because she is your "step" child rather than biological. It's your prerogative but sad nonetheless.

It’s a figure of speech, but I’m sure you’re intelligent enough to know that…

As I said, within mine & my husbands family there is no such thing as step, we’re all just family regardless. So for me it’s really weird to not want to take your ‘step’ child because they are part of your family, when you chose to get with the mum/dad you chose to take that child on. To then make the decision to actually say no, they’re not mine so I don’t want to include them I only want to include my own children even though they have the same father & are part of your family before the biological kids even came along.

Not once has any ‘step’ been left out of anything in our families, my husbands ‘step’ sister is his sister & her kids are his nieces & nephews (& obviously mine). My first son is not a step child/grandchild. My step sister is my sister & my mums daughter even though my mum split from her dad 2 decades ago. So maybe I see it different because I’ve been raised to include all children when you make the decision to enter their lives, family is always family not just whenever it’s convenient.

It’s not about moral high ground, it’s about making the decision to be a family & not only be a family when it suits you. To not include a child that you made the choice to bring into your family is just mental to me.

I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t have his child & my child, they are our children. Even more so when you’ve been their step mum since they were a toddler so well over a decade

This. Your dh should carve some time out to take your dsd somewhere for a long weekend.

The child’s mother didn’t make the decision to be a parent to the other kids, the child’s mother didn’t make the decision to be part of their family, the other child’s mother isn’t any relation to the other kids. OP is, she chose to be a step mum, she chose to part of that kids life & be part of their family, OP chose to have more children with a man who already had kids. The other mum is nothing to do with the other kids, OP is. So of course the other mum isn’t going to take her ex’s kids anywhere, she’s not their step mum, OP is

So are you saying the OP should never go on holiday just with her own children?