To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

Why so caught up on finances? Do you think the kids should be? It’s the least important aspect.

The point is that, because your DH is choosing not to take holiday over the summer, then your DSD is not getting a holiday either. You’ve said that if DH was going then she would have been included. So although your children are missing out on a holiday with their dad, she is not getting a holiday at all.

All the Whataboutery regarding her mother is irrelevant. Her father’s other children are getting a holiday away and she isn’t. I agree it’s not your responsibility & you taking your children away shouldn’t be an issue. But it is your DH’s responsibility & the joint decision for him to work is having a more negative impact on DSD than her siblings.

This. Poor kid

@Shelby2010 - we don’t know what this girl’s mum has planned for the summer. You can’t assume stems NOT going on holiday.

What exactly do I sound bitter about 😂

@GeorgeBeckett has a really good suggestion which is simply to speak to DSD and talk to her about it. It may be she didn't actually want to come just the exW is stirring !

Did you expect some of these batshit replies @LilyPanda 😁 Stepmothers are always expected to put the stepchild/ren before their own were you not aware of this when you married your DH? Keep up woman ha.
You take your children away my love. There is no one on this planet who can tell me what I can and can't do with my kids. Well done for putting the needs/wants of your kids first. I've seen too many women who's own kids end up at the bottom of the pile to please their partner and his ex. These women are bad mothers.
Ignore the venom. Mumsnet isn't happy unless you are handing over gold bullion to your step child while your own kids are in rags. I'm not exaggerating.

It’s not an assumption - it’s what the OP said when she was directly asked if DSD was going away with her mum.

’Not as far as I’m aware.’

What OP’s kids are getting, that the stepdaughter isn’t, is specifically a holiday with their mother. If stepdaughter’s mother wants that for her kid, she can provide it.

Agreed.

There's no mention at all of DSD actually wanting to come, only what her mum thinks. This is a 16 year old who gets on well enough with her 11 and 12 year old sisters when they're together but isn't in contact with them other than that. It wouldn't be that shocking if she weren't that bothered for a holiday that's presumably been planned to meet the needs of kids several years younger than her.

To all of those people who are saying OP’s DH should plan something else special for just him and DSD, surely then that would be unfair on their shared DC as they haven’t had a special time with their dad and she has? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to clarify, I don’t actually believe this, but if we’re constantly trying to be ‘fair’, it has to be fair on all of the children and the only way for it to be the same amount of ‘fairness’ would be for DSD to go away with her mum like OP’s children are. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

@gofigure5 wouldn’t it be a shame if your husband left you unexpectedly and you ended up being the ‘leftovers’ who only ‘emotionally damaged’ men want? 🔮

I do think there are a lot of heartless militants on here pushing their own agenda about 'their biological' children. Very sad but maybe - and I'll be crucified for this - maybe that's why they couldn't find a man without kids - i.e. they're just a little damaged emotionally and have to rely on 'left overs' (i.e. married men or those who have kids).

What an abhorrent thing to say @gofigure5 . Not going to report because everyone should see your disgusting comment and judge you for it. Utterly appalling.

This 💯

Then it's something the OP should take up with her husband.

There's nothing wrong with dad going away with his daughter who lives with Mum most of the time and won't be getting a holiday with her this year.

Not really, considering he hasn’t proposed doing it, and there’s no suggestion that he intends to.

That she isn’t getting a holiday with her mother, as far as OP is aware anyway, doesn’t mean it’s something her dad needs to compensate for. Her mother is also responsible for providing for her kid, it isn’t all on her father.

So to summarise:

OP going away with her own DC is not ok.

DH going away with only one of his own DC is ok.

The fact that they will all be going away on a family holiday together in October is irrelevant.

It's ok for the younger DC to miss out on a trip with their own Dad.

It's not ok for DSD to miss out on a trip with her step parent.

DSDs mother bears no responsibility for any of this.

Ok then. 👍

@DearestGentleReader If that's your summary then i suggest you improve your skills. 👍

Many people, myself included, have mentioned it's perfectly fine for OP to go away with her kids.

@InterIgnis He hasn't proposed doing it, there's no suggestion that he intends to and yet people are talking about it.

The girl lives with her Mother most of the time - i'm sure she's providing plenty.

Sure, but people talking about it on a message board isn’t something she needs to take up with him.

The mother probably is providing plenty, but if she wants her daughter to get the same as OP’s kids then she needs to provide a mother-daughter holiday too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Only if DSD is compensated for it by way of the younger kids being left out of a trip with their dad, it seems.

Apologies, I haven't trawled through all your previous posts to check if you had previously stated it was ok for OP and her kids to go with no caveats.

It was a general summary of similar posts, not all in response to that one post of yours.

I always enjoy the mixed messages about SM on here…
you aren’t in charge of them, you don’t get to make an decisions, you can’t discipline them, you’re not their mum.
Oh your going somewhere nice - they’re your responsibility now.

I wouldn’t take a child away unless I had a good relationship with mum and felt properly backed up by her, I’m sure OP doesn’t find this the case.

It sounds perfectly fine. I take my own dc away abroad and leave the other (also my own dc) at home (with dh). They both always get holidays, but it's nice to do things more one-to-one and have some quality time without trying to please everyone. They love it and they've been some of our best holidays. But even my dc, who are full siblings, don't get the exact same experience just because they're related. And that's fine. They do get lots of quality time and I don't think anyone feels like they are missing out.

For me this is all down to the husband to sort out.

OP wants to go on holiday with her kids for some quality time- fine.

Perfect time for the dad to take his daughter on holiday on his own and also have some quality time with her.

We always manage to pitch the mothers against each other whilst the dad to the step siblings just sits back and gets “pissed off”. Time for him to step up for his daughter. Most people are busy with work but manage to organise and rearrange stuff for their kids. I just don’t buy that he can’t have a Friday and Monday off to make a long weekend in the next 6 months if he really wanted to he would. Meanwhile his wife and his ex play the wicked stepmother v evil ex because he’s too busy to handle his responsibilities.