To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

I have to say, I don't understand, genuinely, why women (who don't have their own kids at that stage) would choose a man with kids if they would not treat them as their own.

I do look down MASSIVELY on people who have entered extramarital affairs, aware that the person was married and especially when kids are involved. This, by the way, goes for both men and women.

I am led by my DH as to what he wants the relationship to be to be honest.
He was the step child who was forced by his mother into all sorts of family situations which were not authentic. He felt disloyal to his own family, uncomfortable, and ultimately a bit abandoned when his mother's relationship broke down.
He's got lasting relationships and genuine affection for all sorts of step relations via his (according to you, leftover and therefore worthless) Dads subsequent relationships, largely because his dad didn't pressure anything and let the relationship just be.
My relationship with my DSD isn't parent/child and none of the people who are actually important in this situation (ie. NOT YOU) want it to be.
We are happy as we are. We are a family, yes, but everyone knows who their own mum is.

This isn’t a thread about affairs. Not sure why you keep bringing that up. It has no relevance to what I posted or my question.

Also non of us need you to genuinely understand why we go for men with kids either.

@gofigure5

I do look down MASSIVELY on people who have entered extramarital affairs, aware that the person was married and especially when kids are involved. This, by the way, goes for both men and women.

Are you trying to insinuate that step-family's are created by affairs?! Some marriages break down because one gets sick of hearing the sanctimonious preaching of the other. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@LilyPanda

Take your DC on holiday and enjoy! Life does not stop when DSC are not at your house and nor should it!

If ExW has a problem she should step up and do the same with her own daughter, then you have your family holiday in October when you are all together ❤️

Of course not all blended families are based on affairs.

But I still genuinely wonder why women want to go into relationships where the men have previous children if they don't want to include the SC fully. I suspect they just didn't think it through.

I've read lots of posts on MN, including some on this thread who do remember with sadness how they were excluded. For parents who only have younger children they may think a 16-year-old is virtually an adult and they can be difficult to deal with but maybe then plan it differently and at least communicate rather than the DSC - as in this case - finding out through her younger sibling that the 'biological' children are going on holiday but SC wasn't even asked. I think anyone can see that it's perhaps not the best / kindest scenario, no?

They don’t have to ‘treat them fully’. A stepchild is just that - a stepchild. A stepparent does not become responsible for a stepchild because they married a parent, no matter how badly you want to believe the opposite. You’re no more required to treat your stepchild as your child than you are to treat your mother in law as your mother.

@LilyPanda I didn't say at all that your kids should miss out, or that you shouldn't take them away without their stepsister. I think that's fine.

What I suggested is that it would be nice for your husband to take his daughter away for a short trip away separately - which I think is even more important given that she will otherwise not get a holiday by the sounds of it.

You seem to see the value of spending one on one time with your biological children, so I can't see why you'd disagree with that sentiment.

DSD doesn’t have a problem talking about any of the nice things she does with her mum in front of her sister or brother. So the same rules applies to my kids, they are allowed to talk freely about stuff they have or will do.

Iv taught my daughter that what dsd does with her mum
is nothing to do with us and we should just be happy her sister is getting a nice XY or Z.

DSDs mum should teach her the same thing instead of making her feel like she has to be involved in everything in our household; even when it doesn’t involve her dad.

You wouldn’t, everyone says that because they are imagining the best case scenario and judge people by their own standards. Reality is you have parents who you just assumed would be competent, who aren’t. So often children with behaviour issues. You might start out like that. But many of us grow weary of being bottom of the pile and not getting the due respect and credit we deserve so we step back. There’s no shame in that. Frankly anyone who has walked in my shoes doesn’t judge me, women who share my path confide in me. Women like you view it like I did a decade ago.

Its not for OP to manage her DH’s relationship with his daughter, she is not his Mother.

Is she treated the same by her dad as your two joint children?

YANBU about the holiday as her dad is not going, but aside from that is she treated the same as your two by her father when you are all together?

My friend is the step child and very clearly isn't - the three joint children are very much favored - I am just wondering if this is something she sees often and is zoning in on the holiday as another example and is why it's being brought up.

YABU

I can't believe you or these responses.

Stepparents suck. Poor girl.

And you might say, well why should she get two summer trips when my kids are only getting one? But she's had to grow up with her parents separated and splitting her time between two homes, so it's ok if sometimes the scales weigh in her favour a bit

Yes you said the above, implying that she should get two summer trips because her parents split up. Thats not my kids problem. Any holidays with their dad will involve all his kids.

@SackofSweets of course it isn't her job.

But I was responding to the OPs post where she said "I don't understand this... why would he take dsd away on her own and not our kids"

I was explaining why, in my opinion, that would be an entirely reasonable thing, and indeed a good thing for him to do.

Really important to work out what the background is here I think.

Totally reasonable for you to take the kids way for a couple of days whilst DSD is at her mum’a and DH is working.

Is it that she feels left out?
is it that she really likes spending time with you and the kids?
Is it that she wants a sun tan/some dinners out/to see someplace new/post on Instagram?
Is it that she wants a taste of freedom?
Or does she not care and this is coming from her Mum?

Different approaches depending on what the background is here.

Is she grown up enough you can talk to her about it? “I’m sorry we handled this one wrong DSD, it was really meant to be just a few days whilst you were at Mum’s anyway. Genuinely didn’t think you’d want to be away from your friends and do kiddie things, and know you’re away with Mum a couple of weeks later. We can’t make it work with you coming on this one with the way the diary is, the set up of rooms and me needing to provide such different levels of supervision etc to you all. I’m really touched you wanted to come and sorry we didn’t quite get this right. Would you like to go to Instaworthy restaurant with Dad? He can’t get the whole week off work but could manage a day? Maybe we can get our nails done the two of us just before”

Or some such. Only you’ll know if this kind of mature chat is likely to come off.

You are nbu not to. But I would take DSD.
Your husband is self-employed and would love to come, but can't.

@LilyPanda no, I didn't say she should, I just said it wouldn't be any harm if that meant she got an extra trip in one year overall - ie. You all go on one family holiday, she gets a trip with her dad, and her mum and your kids get a trip with you.

What you're saying is that your kids will never miss out - so it wouldn't be ok for your SD to do something alone with her dad. But it is ok for your SD to miss out. You're only concerned about fairness when it impacts your own children.

I guess that's your right, but it makes it pretty clear how you feel about your stepdaughter.

And to be clear, I still don't think there's a problem with you taking your children away. But I don't see why you would begrudge your husband taking his daughter on a separate trip (assuming he wanted to take her, and assuming she wanted to go).

OP and her husband aren’t in the same position. OP has two kids, her husband has three. She is treating her children equally, and it’s up to her husband to do the same with his. Her husband providing more for his eldest than he does for his youngest wouldn’t be ‘fair’, and them going on holiday with their mother isn’t something the stepdaughter needs compensating for.

@InterIgnis which is exactly what I just said. It's not up to the OP to do anything with the stepdaughter. But based on what she's saying on this thread, she's questioning why her husband would do something separately with his daughter. She's saying he'll only do things with her kids involved too.

Her kids are his kids. She’s doing something separately to her stepdaughter but she’s treating her children the same. She expects him to treat his the same too, not single out one for special treatment.

He isn’t going on separate holidays with his youngest, so why would he go on a separate one with his eldest?

Fair treatment for his kids would be funding or facilitating the same number of holidays for them. If he's paying for/towards two holidays for his children with OP, then why would he not pay for/ facilitate the same for his other daughter?

Yes because he has three children he has to treat the same, not just DSD to favour and take on a holiday on her own.

Ok. we can say that it’s my contribution to the family pot that’s paying for the trip considering all my wages go in there too!

Also because dsd has a mother to make it equal?

What does your dsd think about this?

Could all this just be shit stirring by the ex and dsd doesn't actually care?

My worry would be that it would damage your relationship with her, if she feels like she's being excluded.