To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

yeah actually yeah. If someone absolutely have to enter a relationship where there are kids, yes, you do 'sign up to it'. That's the decent thing.

For those who are saying, but SC gets to go away with her real mum, that's not fair on the OP's 'biological' children. But OP's kids don't have to go from one home to the other so they are massively advantaged anyway having both their parents under one room.

I think @LilyPanda because she is older, lots of parents that are still together take the kids away one at a time too it's not that unusual. The kids aren't all going to like the same thing and it would be nice for her to have some one on one time with her dad. Is her mum taking her away? Not everyone can afford it and maybe this is why she's asking?

By the way I totally agree I would not be taking her away on my own either if I was in your position, perhaps in the uk yes but abroad alone no but I think she should be offered the same opportunity as your children with her dad (as he is her parent)

That isn’t what they sign up for, no. You may want to believe they do, but that doesn’t actually oblige anyone.

That the stepdaughter has to travel between her parents isn’t the fault of OP and her kids, and it’s not something they’re required to compensate for either.

Another one for stepmum bingo; your kids are privileged to have parents who are together, so sod them - they don’t need one on one time with you, and even if they do, they should have to know how it feels to have a less than perfect life, as this is how DSC feel, so it’s only fair to spread misery. DSC should be put first, at all times, this is what YOU signed up for!!

Thankfully, you can just not do this, and enjoy life with your DC when you want. Enjoy your holiday, OP

Didn't say the biological kids have to 'feel the misery' at all, just an answer to the ludicrous arguments that 'well ex doesn't take OP's kids on holiday, do they' and 'well it's not fair as SC gets a holiday with HER mum'.

But stepmums and OP do what you feel like doing. But to not include a child you have 'cared for' (if that's what OP did), since they were a toddler, it would at least have been nice to have asked her if she wanted to come along.

She signed up to be a wife, and as a result she is incidentally a stepmother. It’s a title, that’s it. She is free to choose what that means for her. So yes, she’s living the life she chose.

That it isn’t to your liking is a ‘you’ problem, same as whatever other issues you’ve going on.

That vicious little line about "leftovers" is the equivalent of calling the step children "mistakes"...
Still proud of yourself?

So didn't she know that her now husband had a child?

She went into it with eyes open.

Stepmums everywhere - are you unable to to find men without kids? If you go for the ones who have kids, especially if you enter their life when they are babies/toddlers, I'd say you 'did sign up for it'.

I was trying to push the point - but, genuinely, why would women without children choose to enter into a relationship if they don't want to be caring of the stepchild. Why not try to find unmarried men or those without kids? Problem solved.

Left overs was referring to the men. Not the children obvs.

I do have friends who have husbands who have been unfaithful and I do feel for them so. Probably colouring my view on the OW situation. But I genuinely don't think there is ever an excuse for a woman to get together with a married man.

And if the woman doesn't have children, just go for the men who don't have kids if you're not prepared to step up.

Where did she say she has a problem with him having a child? She didn’t. She’s got a problem with the mother asking her to take the kid on holiday, but she shut that down 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lol, you can say what you like, it’s hardly a diktat that anyone else has to live by.

OP didn't adopt the stepdaughter when they got married. You don't get to decide or define the expectations of any couple. OP has said Her DH accepted her decision it's the ex wife who has raised an issue and her opinion is equally irrelevant.

Blended families are tricky but OP's biological children are important too. They just do have a closer relationship with their mother and are entitled to spend this time with their mother.

It's also something not unique to blended families.when I was younger I had several breaks with just my mum and sister as a girls trip, as brothers did with dad, the older siblings had trips for things the younger wouldn't enjoy, the younger one had trips to things that myself and bro had aged out of. I know lots of families who did and do similar.

I'll take that as an acknowledgement of how unnecessarily nasty and inaccurate that comment was.

I think most people like to think that when they get married they can arrange their family as they see fit to be honest.
I signed up to be my DHs wife, not DSDs mother, else she would have had to give permission for me to marry him! DH and his ex neither want, nor expect me to behave as if DSD was mine, and likewise are under no obligation to take any instruction or opinions from me as to her upbringing.
As such, I'd not take kindly at all to my husband's ex girlfriend thinking she has any kind of say about what I do or do not do with my own children.
The respect for the parent/child relationship has to go both ways.

Oh no, gave you too much credit.
If the men are leftovers then the children are mistakes. Can't cherry pick this one.

I'm sure a 16-year-old who has parents who split up would be delighted about not even being asked to join on a holiday with her siblings she lives with (part of the time).

Of course, OP can do what she wants, I'm sure she will do what she wants anyway. I do hope the DH gets to have a holiday too as he's working hard. She did ask for an opinion and I've given mine. Just glad that I never had to experience being a stepchild in a family like that and that we don't have a blended family (although some of the step mums on here are clearly caring and wonderful to their SC - I'd choose one of them).

Not at all. Kids in my book are never mistakes. In fact I'm one of those mums - most mums - who put my kids above everything, and I'd be the same if adopted or SC.

Funnily enough the 16 year old, whether she wants to go or not, isn’t the main character that everyone else in her family has to revolve their lives around. I’m sure she can comprehend that OP isn’t her mother, and that OP going on holiday with her children is no different to what she does with her mother.

Yes, OP can do what she wants. Glad to see you’ve finally acknowledged that, despite your earlier attempts to assume an authority you don’t in fact have.

If children are never mistakes then their parents are never leftovers.
You are just coming across as a nasty person who likes to polish their own halo while looking down on others.
And mother's who put their own children first put their own children first, not other people's.

What a load of bullshit. I have already said I was young (and dumb) when I got with my husband. I wouldn’t get with another man who had children again.

However, we have a great life together but now an again his ex pops up to have a moan and a bitch but that’s nothing new. It doesn’t impact our lives day to day or in any meaningful way.

I wasn’t and have never been emotionally damaged, nor was he ever married before me

YANBU but I can also see why DSD is upset.

You have probably put a lot of effort into making her like you, so now she thinks you love her like your own children. Her parents might tell her that too - we love you all the same etc

So she might be asking because she's genuinely confused and upset about why you don't want her but that's for her dad to manage and explain.

I wouldn’t be happy taking a 16 year old that wasn’t mine abroad. We don’t know how much OP is allowed to discipline DSD for instance, she maybe stuck with a child who has been told to ignore her. She might meet other teenagers and go off drinking etc.
Maybe mum could come on holiday at the same time and share childcare? That would be a solution and then all children can be together 😂

I imagine a 16 year old would change sleeping arrangements as well and activities for younger children.

I come from a large family, I went on holidays my older siblings didn’t. It’s not unusual. I do have a friend where the ex wife does take her children, step siblings are much older though, so she likes doing child things with them.

Not as far as I’m aware.

However, I don’t buy into this whole my kids have both parents together and dsd doesn’t so she should get extra treats to make up for it. Thats not my kids fault that they couldn’t make it work and I won’t let them miss out because of it.

I can understand the desire to spend time with just your biological kids, but I can see why DSD might be feeling hurt. It might be better another time if you were able to consciously book it for a time she'd be with her Mum, and then have it presented to her as "oh, OP and the kids are away for a couple of days whilst you're at your Mum's". I truly do understand you wanting quality time with your two but from her perspective, she presumably thought she was seen as part of the family no matter what, especially since you've been in her life for so long, and now she might feel that actually your feelings for her aren't what she thought they were/she isn't treated the same way as her siblings. In fairness to her Mum, I think I'd feel sad for my DD in this situation too. Sorry, OP.