To want to do something with just my kids?

[LilyPanda]

I want to take my kids away in the 6 weeks… either abroad for 4-5 nights or somewhere in the UK. Most likely abroad to somewhere like Spain or France.

Husband won’t be coming as he is working and self employed so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid but he’s more then happy for me to go with our 2 kids.

However, he has asked if I would take his DD (my DSD) and Iv said no, I would like to just take our kids and spend some quality time with them. Hes accepted this and nothing else was said about it but DSD has heard from her sister that she’s going away and now her mum is asking why can’t she come.

So am I being totally selfish to only want to take my own children?

@LilyPanda unless you and DSD have the same surname you might need quite a bit of paperwork to take her abroad as you are not her birth mum or dad. Sounds complicated even if you were to try

On the basis ex-wife doesn’t take your children away with her, and your DH isn’t coming, I’d say it was totally fine to take your kids away on your own. You don’t lose the right to have a private one to one relationship with your own kids just because their father has a child from a previous relationship.

Perhaps DH could do something special with DSD on his own (Alton towers, trip to London) - then there can be no perception of unfairness, surely?

Well in that case, it is not fair on the younger half siblings if the step daughter goes on holiday with her mum. I'm sure OP's DH pays child maintenance and maybe even gives his dd spending money or buys stuff for her if she goes on holiday with her mum. If he buys his eldest daughter something, does he also buy something for his younger children?

"My child"? Assumptions there. I'm married with 2 children, both belonging to my husband. I was in a relationship with a man who had children previously. It was the reason it didn't work out. Kids come first.

To answer your question, this is a holiday, not a shopping trip/ cinema trip. If I spend one-to-one time with one of my children, I do the same with the other. I wouldn't dream of taking a holiday with one and leaving the other (who wants to go) behind.

The ex wife does not have a relationship with the op's children, why would she?
OP has been in her dsd's life since she was a toddler.
It's a false equivalence.

Not the point. The ex wife’s child is a half sibling to the OP’s children but strangely enough, no-one is suggesting that they go on holiday with the ex. I would agree with you if her DH was going, but he’s not, so this is not a family holiday. The OP is entitled to quality time with her biological children.

If it’s about ‘the sibling bond’ and no one should miss out on something their sibling gets to do, then it’s not a false equivalence at all.

The kids have different mothers. All of them get to go on holiday with their respective mothers. No one is missing out.

Why would a 16 year old want to go on holiday with her step-mum and 11 year old siblings? This is about your DH's ex just being jealous.

Of course you don't want to take her. You shouldn't have to be responsible for someone else's child and it completely changes the vibe. Instead of focusing on your own kids, you need to worry about how to entertain this 16 year old who doesn't even want to be there.

This

I mean - do what you want - the step child will have no say in what you do - so it’s no skin of your nose - why do you care? Sure she will be upset - sure she might feel left out - but honestly, what can she do? Nothing. It’s horrible for her I’m sure - but that’s life - it’s shit sometimes.

Disloyal to whom?
Nobody is being cheated out of anything they were owed or promises unfulfilled. What is the issue?
It should be a shock to nobody that OPs ultimate loyalty is to her own children, and having the chance for quality time focused on them sometimes.
I feel sad for kids who don't get this because of misplaced guilt of adults to be honest.

Could DH take DSD away for a weekend on his own? And then you all do something together too? This might be a compromise?

Seems pretty cold to not include a girl you've known almost her whole life

This is what you signed up for when you became a stepmum

The family pot is for everything. Everything goes in 1 account and comes out of 1 accounts. It’s not just for my kids, not sure where you got that from.

I don’t understand this… why would he take dsd away on her own and not our kids?

DSD going away with her mum is the equivalent and him taking all the kids away would be fair.

Have a great time with your children. YANBU.

I can’t imagine any 16yo desperately wanting to go on holiday with their stepmother and 11yo and 12yo children. So either her mother is stirring or the 16yo sees this as a chance to ditch you the moment you get to the hotel. Or both!

I wouldn’t want to be responsible for an unrelated 16yo abroad, trying to bridge the age gap between the children each day and keep everyone happy.

Your DH needs to cut off comments like this from his ex and not pass them on to you.

Disloyal of the child's father to marry someone who would exclude her. She is being excluded. Obviously we all have different opinions on whether that's fair. My opinion is that if you marry someone with kids, they're your family and you shouldn't divide them from the rest of the family. Of course it happens, but I think it's unkind.

She isn’t be excluded from anything to do with her dad. I have my own children and I want some quality 1:1 time with them because as lovely as dsd is, it’s not the same bond and I don’t have the urge to spend time with her like I do my children.

Nope. There is nothing at all signed up for when you marry someone who already had children. That’s for all of you to work out on your own.

It’s always said with an underlying tone of punishment; this is what YOU signed up for, so YOU should be doing it, even if YOU don’t want to, ha!

She isn't being excluded from anything she should automatically be a part of though. She's not a part of OPs relationship with her own children. She's got her own relationships with OP, her Dad and her siblings.
And her own special relationship with her own mother who, hopefully, isn't allowing anyone to shoehorn their way into them spending time bonding time together either.

This is just nonsense. She’s not being excluded. DH’s ex gets time to spend with her own biological child and no one is suggesting that OP’s children are missing out because ex doesn’t take them on holiday with her even though they are half siblings. If DH was going on the holiday it would be different. OP is entitled to spend time bonding with her own children for a few days and in the meantime it shouldn’t be beyond DH to spend some one to one time with his own child.

Some of the hysterical shrieking on here from the hard of thinking is extraordinary.

@LilyPanda have a great holiday with your kids and a great family holiday with everyone later in the year. You're doing absolutely nothing wrong and sound like you're managing things pretty well in terms of meeting everyone's needs.

I've already said how OP's kids not going on holiday with ex is a different matter because they aren't family and ex didn't choose them. OP married a father. She chose to involve herself with a family and add to it. DSD is not invited despite wanting to go- the definition of excluded, from her own family. Some think that's fair. I don't. I've already said all of this, so rather than repeat myself further, I'm out.

She's not being excluded from the family. It's not a family holiday. She's going on the family holiday later this year.

It's the equivalent of DH insisting he has to be there every time I pop round to see my parents. Yes there is a relationship there, he's their son in law, they are all very fond of each other etc.
But my relationship with my own mum and dad is my business and to be honest I'd hate if I wasn't allowed to spend time with them on my own.

@LilyPanda is her mum taking her away on a summer holiday?

If so, it's less of an issue. All kids are getting a holiday in the summer.

If not, then yes I think it would be nice for her dad to take her on a short break away. Nice for her to have some one on one time with her dad, and to show her she's also worth spending money on for a trip away.

To be honest, even if she is going away with her mum that would be a nice thing to do. And you might say, well why should she get two summer trips when my kids are only getting one? But she's had to grow up with her parents separated and splitting her time between two homes, so it's ok if sometimes the scales weigh in her favour a bit.