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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women and looking after your PIL - AIBU?

130 replies

AboutTimeTwo · 08/06/2024 13:12

Just interested in what other people do WRT their elderly PIL care?

My DH works very long hours, and doesn’t have much time to himself. His DSis is married, but never had DC and has a FT job with long hours too.

PIL seem to be going downhill, and I think one has some cognitive decline. I am pretty sure that in a couple of years they are going to both need some help.

My SIL has already said that she is not compromising her lifestyle to look after them, despite being on the receiving end of some very serious help over the years. My DH has also said that he can’t look after them as he works all the time.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

I work p/t and my youngest of 3 is just about to go to Uni. I have spent a good 2+ decades child rearing. I may even be a granny in the next 5 years, which would be lovely. I have never had a seconds help from my PIL and so I don’t feel that I owe them anything.

We haven’t got into debate over it yet, but I know that the second my PIL need help, both my DH and his DSis are going to think that I am free, and therefore I should be doing it. How I feel about this is that I have spent the past 2 decades child rearing, and I am not jumping straight into a carer role, plus I have my own parents to think of. I’ve thought about going FT if and when this happens, but then think why should I? I work 3.5 days a week and I do all the household stuff.

I’d like to have my position straight and be able to say no with confidence, so looking to be ahead of the game and ask what others think and how you would stand up for yourself? Oh, and AIBU to not want this responsibility?

OP posts:
Mouswife · 08/06/2024 13:14

Simply don’t get involved. Dsis dh is not bothering to put his cap in the ring, so stay quiet and don’t mention anything. There are two children who are responsible, they either help their parents or they don’t .

GabriellaMontez · 08/06/2024 13:16

Yanbu.

I'd probably start the conversation myself.

"Looks like your parents will need some help in the next few years, have you talked to them about getting someone in or moving into sheltered accommodation " ?

Then be very clear that you are too busy, and its a job you don't want.

feathermucker · 08/06/2024 13:16

Let them know now that you're not prepared to do so and they'll have to have a think about what they need to do. Dave's any uncertainty down the line. You have absolutely no obligation to provide care for them.

GCAcademic · 08/06/2024 13:17

Anticipate this in advance and suggest to your husband that you'll go full time so that he can go part-time to look after his parents. I bet he won't be rushing to put himself in your position.

vivainsomnia · 08/06/2024 13:18

How about you go to work FT, your OH reduces his hours and he uses the extra time to care for them?

WishIWasYourSexyBacon · 08/06/2024 13:18

"Looks like your parents will need some help in the next few years, have you talked to them about getting someone in or moving into sheltered accommodation " ?

Absolutely this.

OnehundredStars · 08/06/2024 13:19

Im in this boat at the moment and I don’t get involved and to be fair mil said in the early years our kids are our own responsibility (she’s totally right and they are) but I feel now I don’t owe anything back and dh steps up

but my sil (married into the family) gets heavily involved and they bitch about her

LemonCitron · 08/06/2024 13:21

YANBU. DH's parents were fairly healthy until a couple of years ago, but have had a LOT of health issues in the past two years and need a lot of support. DH has stepped up and doesn't expect me to do it, even though he works longer hours than me, because he knows it's his responsibility not mine. I'll do the same when my parents need support. Make it really clear to him OP.

LemonCitron · 08/06/2024 13:22

Also I second the comment above about retirement accommodation. This has been a really good decision for my PILs.

Iloveacurry · 08/06/2024 13:24

You don’t need to do anything, it’s up to your DH and SIL to sort out.

LongDuckDong · 08/06/2024 13:28

I couldn't leave everything so open and vague and would need to have the conversation with my OH so that plans can be put in place.
I would be happy to support my OH to talk through or make arrangements, look after paperwork etc but I do not feel it is my responsibility to look after my ILs.
I used to always ask the ILs what their funeral plans would be but they refuse to engage so I asked them to write it all down and put it in the drawer. As far as I know they haven't done it.

TakeMe2Insanity · 08/06/2024 13:28

Time to get your own high flying full time job?

fieldsofbutterflies · 08/06/2024 13:34

We lost MIL back in April so FIL is now on his own - he's fiercely independent but either DH or I go and see him most days (he hates the idea of being checked on so we get our parcels delivered to his house so we have an excuse to go and see him regularly).

He also likes to have our dog for company while we work which is another reason for us to go round - though DH picked him up mid-morning the other day and got told off for interrupting their elevenses Grin

SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/06/2024 13:35

They may not expect you to. I’ve spent years fully expecting to care for dpil. I work ft but have a decent amount of flexibility. Pil have helped a lot with dc over the years and dsil and dbil aren’t around to help so I would have willingly stepped up if required. But now dmil isn’t so well, I’ve been quietly surprised to see dh taking time off to take her to the hospital etc. I don’t know why I assumed that he’s leave it to me as he’s always been close to them and he is a hands on father but I’m glad that he’s willing to put some time in and I’m more than happy to be second are carer.

Comedycook · 08/06/2024 13:40

Agree you don't need to do anything. What is your relationship like with them though? Have they helped you in the past? Have they provided you with financial help or childcare? I think that would determine the level of involvement I'd be willing to have ..but still, it's up to their children ultimately, not you.

Original poster
AboutTimeTwo · 08/06/2024 13:47

No, not helped out at all with any money, or with childcare, despite being in a position to. They have helped their DD out a lot, so I do think if anyone should be doing it, it is her. That said, I think elderly care and should be divvied out equally between DC one way or another.

As I said, I don’t owe them anything. That is not the issue. I don’t feel any guilt about my thoughts on it. It is more a case of I’m not prepared to do it, and need my reasons clear in my mind and to be able to stand my ground if asked.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2024 13:48

The time to speak up is right now. Absolutely refuse to be a people pleasing doormat who gets stuck being your in-laws carer. I would make it clear that this isn't even a discussion to be had. Your husband and his sister are responsible for this, not you.

TheBloatedMiddle · 08/06/2024 13:50

WishIWasYourSexyBacon · 08/06/2024 13:18

"Looks like your parents will need some help in the next few years, have you talked to them about getting someone in or moving into sheltered accommodation " ?

Absolutely this.

Yes this.

I very briefly looked after my FIL and gave up my job to do so. But I hated my job and loved my FIL and DH and my SIL were incredibly thankful and appreciative. It was not expected of me to do so, I volunteered. It was a true joy for me at the time.

But you are not in that situation and I feel like other posters you have to stand your ground and not be taken advantage of. Thanks

TheBloatedMiddle · 08/06/2024 13:52

fieldsofbutterflies · 08/06/2024 13:34

We lost MIL back in April so FIL is now on his own - he's fiercely independent but either DH or I go and see him most days (he hates the idea of being checked on so we get our parcels delivered to his house so we have an excuse to go and see him regularly).

He also likes to have our dog for company while we work which is another reason for us to go round - though DH picked him up mid-morning the other day and got told off for interrupting their elevenses Grin

I love this. :)

huuskymam · 08/06/2024 13:57

If their own kids aren't willing to step up and help the parents, why on earth should you? It would be a firm no from me, I may help out every now and again if and when the siblings make an effort but I certainly wouldn't be doing it all for their parents and letting them do as they please.

GOTBrienne · 08/06/2024 13:59

You need to put your foot down. You aren’t ‘free’ you’re facilitating DH working long hours.

I think people find it very easy to volunteer other peoples time without thinking of the impact to them. They would be better spending some time coming up with some solutions.

We didn’t live near MIL but my BIL/SIL did (DH moved away 30 years ago for uni). They tried to get us to take on the responsibility for looking after her, we are over 4 hours away. The even suggested I took leave from work and moved up there to do care, leaving 2 primary school aged children at home.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/06/2024 14:01

You don't need reasons. Just say you don't want to so they need to start looking at alternatives.

Think you are making way more of this than you need to. Unless your DH is a knob?

YouWereMyEscape · 08/06/2024 14:01

Why is it alwayd women put in this situation of becoming carers for inlaws! How many men are carers for their inlaws I wonder?

I've got enough going on with my adult DC, DGC and my own mother to barely give a thought to my inlaws. My DH is involved with their welfare but I keep well out of it. He wouldn't expect me to deal with his parents just as I don't expect him to care for mine.

I can't believe your inlaws have a son and a daughter and they both expect you to take on their parents! Women need to stop accepting this crap.

Comedycook · 08/06/2024 14:03

If it's mentioned again, look really perplexed and ask why they think it's your responsibility?

JWhipple · 08/06/2024 14:03

fieldsofbutterflies · 08/06/2024 13:34

We lost MIL back in April so FIL is now on his own - he's fiercely independent but either DH or I go and see him most days (he hates the idea of being checked on so we get our parcels delivered to his house so we have an excuse to go and see him regularly).

He also likes to have our dog for company while we work which is another reason for us to go round - though DH picked him up mid-morning the other day and got told off for interrupting their elevenses Grin

What do they have for their elevensies?