Women and looking after your PIL - AIBU?

[AboutTimeTwo]

Just interested in what other people do WRT their elderly PIL care?

My DH works very long hours, and doesn’t have much time to himself. His DSis is married, but never had DC and has a FT job with long hours too.

PIL seem to be going downhill, and I think one has some cognitive decline. I am pretty sure that in a couple of years they are going to both need some help.

My SIL has already said that she is not compromising her lifestyle to look after them, despite being on the receiving end of some very serious help over the years. My DH has also said that he can’t look after them as he works all the time.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

I work p/t and my youngest of 3 is just about to go to Uni. I have spent a good 2+ decades child rearing. I may even be a granny in the next 5 years, which would be lovely. I have never had a seconds help from my PIL and so I don’t feel that I owe them anything.

We haven’t got into debate over it yet, but I know that the second my PIL need help, both my DH and his DSis are going to think that I am free, and therefore I should be doing it. How I feel about this is that I have spent the past 2 decades child rearing, and I am not jumping straight into a carer role, plus I have my own parents to think of. I’ve thought about going FT if and when this happens, but then think why should I? I work 3.5 days a week and I do all the household stuff.

I’d like to have my position straight and be able to say no with confidence, so looking to be ahead of the game and ask what others think and how you would stand up for yourself? Oh, and AIBU to not want this responsibility?

This would be a very easy no in your shoes, ‘so neither you nor your sister love your parents enough to care for them but you somehow think I should? No.’
for us though I feel sure Dh will care for them; but he might happily volunteer extra support from me, the gap that’s being filled will probably be his dsis, who sounds like yours in that she’s had an astronomical amount of help and I’ve never really seen her give back. So I won’t be stepping in because she’s not doing her share, I’ll be spelling out what I think of her and stepping back.

This is such utterly entitled behaviour as to be ridiculous. Leaving your young dc to go and care for inlaws??

I wouldn’t be helping out. They should have thought about that through all the years they’ve not bothered to invest in their time into their grandchildren when they were growing up. Lazy toads.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

Your sister in law has a husband, right?

If she asks you to do it, I'd ask her how much he was helping.

But will it definitely all fall on you? Your SIL says she won't compromise her lifestyle - does she actually expect others to? Or does she think her parents can pay for help?

Say 'no'. Clearly.

I wouldn't even be mentioning it, I'd put it completely out my mind.

IMO by raising it you are involving yourself which means they may look to you. I would put myself outside the circle and only offer opinion when it's asked for. If it appears to be going down the road of presuming you will be doing it for whatever reason then I would politely but very firmly make it clear that you will not be doing any caring or being involved, I would react with complete surprise after all why would you be doing it? I would also tell him that he doesn't 'own' your time,

In the meantime I would be thinking about a full time role or taking up a hobby that uses some of my free time although I don't think you working part time is a reason why you should do it. If my DH pushed the issue about you 'only' working part time then I would be telling him that I would either go full time and he steps up or we get a cleaner and gardener or he can respect that by working part time you are also able to do household stuff. In any event you are not going to do any caring.

This is part of a long list of issues with them. DH actually went constantly to see his mum and care for her, they barely popped in.
After she died they told everyone that DH had never been to see her and they had cared for her 24 hours a day.
But even without children I had a job!

I would just what for it to come up and say that: they haven't helped you, they aren't your parents and you're not going to do it.

You're making the mistake of thinking you need good reason. You don't. The mistake you'll make is being drawn into a discussion. The answer is simply:

"they haven't helped you, they aren't your parents and you're not going to do it."

Don't deviate or try to make it more palatable or you'll be coaxed and nagged into a corner.

I'd also take the position that if you and dh have uneven finances e.g. he earns more, that I'd rather move into a smaller home and pay 50% that way rather than take on more hours or a care role to be more proportionate (if that's how you feel).

If they can afford it, they can pay for whatever help is needed, cleaning, gardening, taxis, etc.

You need to be very clear in advance, OP, that you are not going to fill the gaps.
I ended up with FiL (with dementia) living with us for a year - a SiL (who’d never worked since she was married) very soon refused to take turns to have him at all, despite BiL having gushed previously about how wonderful people from her (Mediterranean) culture were at caring for their elderly relatives.

In the event, it was a case of SiL saying, ‘Not one more DAY!’

I recommend that you are crystal clear in setting out your position. Along the lines of...

When the time comes for your parents needing support or carers, you realise that person isn't going to be me, right? You and your sister will need to sort it out, and please don't include me in whatever solution you decide upon.

Push back hard on any attempt to hoover you in. A firm, this is not up for discussion is the way to go.

I would willingly help my PIL but DH would too, they are wonderful generous people and I love them. So I’d help them because I wanted to and not because of ‘duty’

In your position I’d absolutely agree that you should make it clear now you aren’t becoming the carer.

If you're working 3.5 days and doing everything in the house you're already effectively working full-time. If they expect you to do this at all let alone on top of your work and housework, they're ridiculously cheeky fuckers. Do they not realise you're a human being with your own will? Not here to make everyone else's life easier.

Our dp were in decline (both have now passed)and me, Siblings and they all lived within 10 miles if each other. My DH is amazing however at NO point was he ever expected to step up and neither were my DBs wives.
My dh job was to support me and I will do the same when /if his parents need care.
If their own children are nit willing to make changes in order to support them why should you?

I can remember my DM and HER dm having a conversation about one of grans friends who had been severely neglecting herself. My gran said something like
'well Marks wife could get up and do something about it!',
DM replied 'Why would she?'
Gran 'well who else would?'
DM 'her bloody son, Mark!'

As I said, I don’t owe them anything. That is not the issue. I don’t feel any guilt about my thoughts on it. It is more a case of I’m not prepared to do it, and need my reasons clear in my mind and to be able to stand my ground if asked

You don't need any reasons beyond "That doesn't work for me", and in fact I wouldn't give any as that offers a chance for "Yes buts ..."

I agree with the PP who suggested asking what their plans are now that SIL's decided she's not helping (which she's fully entitled to do) - in other words put the ball in their court, while making it clear you won't be serving

Don’t bring it up - it frames it as it being your problem. If it comes up, a clear statement that you won’t be doing it, and if DH complains that you’re working part time then explain that his options are for him to take on half the domestic load while you work full time (and still have nothing to do with caring for his parents) or for you to remain part time and also do the domestic work (and still have nothing to do with caring for his parents).

You have to extract yourself from this and not even be part of the conversation. Present yourself from the start as supportive to your husband while he sorts it, but outside of it all.

FIL has a coffee and a biscuit, the dog has a bonio (or three)

Thank you! They have a really special relationship - and I get moaned at if I finish work early and come to collect him "before it's time", lol.

I also get told off for not feeding him enough - because I deliberately give him a small lunch to compensate for all the treats and toast he gets!

They’ve got 2 children, let them figure it out. I won’t be helping my PIL and I don’t expect DH to help with my parents.

⬆️ I like this suggestion!

Surely your PIL won't expect regular 'help'. Carers, cleaners, gardeners, online pharmacy, online shopping, taxis etc etc etc . They buy in as much care as possible, it's what we save for all our lives surely, to minimise the burden on our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own.
My MIL has almost a million pounds in assets yet still gets £400 non means tested attendance allowance each month (ridiculous!)
Step away.

You lost me with the derogatory "compromising her lifestyle" comment simply because your SIL happens to be childfree. The fact she works long FT hours gets tagged on after that as though incidental when it's the first thing you mention about your DH.

YABU.

If you start the conversation you will make yourself part of the discussion.

They are not your parents. Do not get involved. Leave it to your husband and his sister to sort out. If your husband needs to reduce his hours and you increase yours then he needs to come to you with THAT suggestion and you negotiate between you. The day to day care is up to him and his sister to work out.

I agree with others. Have the conversation now.
You and your sister need to make plans because, and you need to listen to me now - I will not be doing the caring that you and x, their own children, refuse to do.

If the conversation comes up you say no.
If your dh dare to mention the fact you work part time, then you immediately respond with ‘I’ll go full time, you go part time, do all the housework and then you can look after your parents.’
My mother has told me that she will not expect me to care for her.
Your in laws have no right to expect it if you.
The problem people are facing us living longer.
In the past most people died before problems could kick in.
50 years ago and many, many people died by the age of 70. Now people are living longer. The average 90 year old can barely care for themselves adequately.