Women and looking after your PIL - AIBU?

[AboutTimeTwo]

Just interested in what other people do WRT their elderly PIL care?

My DH works very long hours, and doesn’t have much time to himself. His DSis is married, but never had DC and has a FT job with long hours too.

PIL seem to be going downhill, and I think one has some cognitive decline. I am pretty sure that in a couple of years they are going to both need some help.

My SIL has already said that she is not compromising her lifestyle to look after them, despite being on the receiving end of some very serious help over the years. My DH has also said that he can’t look after them as he works all the time.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

I work p/t and my youngest of 3 is just about to go to Uni. I have spent a good 2+ decades child rearing. I may even be a granny in the next 5 years, which would be lovely. I have never had a seconds help from my PIL and so I don’t feel that I owe them anything.

We haven’t got into debate over it yet, but I know that the second my PIL need help, both my DH and his DSis are going to think that I am free, and therefore I should be doing it. How I feel about this is that I have spent the past 2 decades child rearing, and I am not jumping straight into a carer role, plus I have my own parents to think of. I’ve thought about going FT if and when this happens, but then think why should I? I work 3.5 days a week and I do all the household stuff.

I’d like to have my position straight and be able to say no with confidence, so looking to be ahead of the game and ask what others think and how you would stand up for yourself? Oh, and AIBU to not want this responsibility?

Parents choose to have kids.

It is never the kids responsibility to care for their parents.

Google "ending it the barbiturates way" or check flights to Dignitas.

I’d raise it somewhen in conversation and just say that they’re going to have to look into carers at some point! If they say anything about you doing it just say ‘No sorry, I’ve done my caring duties raising the kids and will have my own parents to care for one day!
OR you say ‘sorry YOUR parents are YOUR responsibility. You two will have to sort it between you, but they’re not my responsibility for care for….

Jeez I bet your parents wish they’d used a condom!

It’s quite sad that so many people feel they are being set up to care for family members who are aging and may need help. I suppose that more women have careers these days, than was usual in the past. I happily provided support for my MIL, such as taking her shopping or to hospital appointments, as I had more time than my DH. She hadn’t given any help to the family previously, although my FIL had helped with after school care for my SDC before I met my widowed DH.

On the other hand, my DH and I have helped out my DD hugely with everything over the years, but she doesn’t live locally now, so I am not expecting any support from her, should I need it in the future. I am in my mid-70’s now, and widowed, but still very active and capable.

Whatever happened to love, I wonder?

Just don’t offer. If neither of their parents will care for their parents then they will have to fork out and pay for care.

I think this is perfect

My in laws tried to put looking after MIL onto me. She's not that bad or elderly but it was more so she had a car (she borrowed mine for a while), had money (expected me to fork out for her) and occasionally take her to hospital appointments.

I put my foot down last year. They've never helped me with my children it came to a abrupt end when ds8 was diagnosed with type one diabetes and my own mother had come to visit to learn to help look after him with his injections etc and my MIL told me "I don't know why your mum wants to help, that's way to much responsibility I could never do that."
Made me realise I was just doing the donkeys work for everyone else and I'd never get any help or support in return so I stopped everything.
I'm civil to her and will have a conversation with her but that's it. I won't do anything to help her again.

I agree that it would make sense for you to increase your hours so that your DH can reduce his. He and his DSis should share the care between them.

This

Good point. I would frame it as what THEY are going to do. I wouldn’t mention yourself as they aren’t your parents. Just because you’re female then it’s not your job and l bet you have no expectations of your husband caring for your parents

Yes, this.

Honestly why would the OP raise it?! She just then involves herself in the conversation and it's then obvious she's been thinking about it! She needs to keep quiet and be surprised if it's even mentioned about her being involved!

Let's turn it around - would her DH start a conversation about her parents because he's worried/thinks he's going to be roped in. No, he wouldn't, it doesn't cross his mind, he's much too important to be thinking about looking after other people, after all he's hit a BIG important job. Women worry about this stuff too much, just let them get on with it. Don't have an opinion and don't suggest anything that means you are taking mental load.

I'm not sure if you're being practical or have too much time on your hands.

You don't have to pick up the pieces here. You can leave it to husband and SIL.

Sounds like a lot of issues that DH and SIL have to talk about. It's probably going to involve selling parents' home to pay for £1k a week care home, so the inheritance will all be spent.

I think it's more about you've raised the children, so what is your role now?

You don't want the next caring job role on offer. Somebody else's parents are not the same as caring for your own children.

I'd get a full-time job.

Because, if it's expected, the inheritance will not exist because the in-laws need to be properly cared for until death - so being practical, I'd add as much money as you can to your and husband's pension pot.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else

No. No it does not leave you.

sparklynailsforme · Yesterday 19:24

"No offers of help whatsoever. I will be returning the favour when it’s their turn. I will not be offering and will refuse if asked."

Oh YEESS! I'd be delighted to repay you for all the help you've give us over the years!

Saturday? Oh no, I'm having a lie in until noon, then vegging out in front of the telly in pyjamas, with a family bag of Wotsits."

Sunday? Sorry, that won't work, I'm taking the kids to the river to feed the ducks. Then it's bath and hair night for me."

Monday? No, that's girl's film night, it's been my thing for years."

Tuesday? I'm going to crack a bottle of Pinot, after the housework, dinner and kids are in bed."

Wednesday, ah, no. I'm going to sit on the couch and pour a pan of hot fat onto my lap. What do you mean "unreasonable"? I told you, I'm going to help you JUST as much as you helped me!

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

Well I guess if you live in a jungle where no paid carers can get in or out.

Otherwise there is a whole industry of people who do this for a living.

Whatever happened to love, I wonder?

I suspect that many (most?) of us would do whatever they could to make life easier for those they love.
However , not everyone automatically "loves" their PiL.
You are lucky if you have that relationship with yours, but it certainly isn't automatic.

@Ireallycantthinkofagoodone so in addition to working, raising my children, looking out for my own parents, I also have to care for my PIL? In the name of love? Because having a penis makes my DH, what, either incapable or just more important than me? Why do you expect women to be more "loving"? Why does the DIL have to do EVERYTHING when her own children don't give a fuck?

Your question should be why the son and daughter don't love their own parents enough.

I didn't marry my DH so that I could be my in laws' carer.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else

No. Women are not the default support units for every one else in the family. Your in-laws should be talking to their own children and discussing now what they want the rest of their lives to look like, and what their choices would be if they were unable to manage on their own any more. It’s a discussion that usually gets put off until there is a crisis of some kind, by which time its often too late to do anything other than react to the crisis.

By all means encourage your DH and SIL to have that conversation and encourage them to have wills and PoA applications done. But the responsibility is not yours. At all.

Recommend you have a peruse of the elderly parents board to see what kind of situations DILs find themselves stuck in. Many many people have a totally unrealistic idea of what caring for elderly people looks like, thinking it involves popping in for a cup of tea and running round a hoover. The reality is grim, especially if they have significant cognitive decline but still have enough capacity to refuse help. I manage the care for my bed ridden DM who has Parkinson’s and dementia, but refuses to contemplate a residential care home. I live 100 miles away, DB 300 miles away. The relentless nature of calls dealing with the carers, gardeners, cleaners, utilities, the weekly visit doing her shopping and checking the carers and doing the never-ending house maintenance as it crumbles around her, as I try and maintain my own marriage and full time job, is killing my mental and physical health.

DH stepped up for his own mother, men of our generation are perfectly capable of doing it. Save your energies for your own parents, that will be enough.

So you give him the telephone number for a cab company.

I would bring it up with dh. Your parents look like they are going to need some help soon have you made arrangements with your sister and made a plan?

I would make it clear I won’t be getting involved now or in the future.

I had limited begrudging help from my ILs with dc and they were quite hostile towards me but my DH siblings had full on support for years. My BIL recently announced ILs would obviously move in with myself and DH when they needed help.
I put him straight in a very robust way and told DH I’d be moving out if that happened.
it has not been brought up again since.

Don’t bring up the topic. Wait until asked in future and then feign surprise and say “I hadn’t thought about what you’d be doing with your parents’ care. Maybe call some agencies on Google”.

Don’t offer any further opinion. Not your parents, not your issue.

It will be a bone of contention for me and DH though. A couple of years ago he suggested we “start saving for a care home”. When I replied “I’m sure we will be able to put in a lift and have carers at home when we’re elderly”, he added “not for us, for my mother” 😠 She has done nothing to help us ever and retired the minute she hit 60 without proper pension planning. Like fuck are we paying anything!! It will be sell house, use funds to pay for care.

When PIL's needed help it was DH (and by association me as well) who stepped up and helped. He did a lot of the day to day stuff but it meant we were quite restricted in that couldn't spend time away relaxing.
DBIL lived too far away with a young family - SIL just point blank said no and went NC. Funnily enough she stepped right to the front when it came to POA and ultimately wills and probate.

I said to my then husband it was fine if he wanted to move his mother in. But l would be moving straight out! You BIL sounds like a right cheeky fucker and lm guessing there is a bigger backstory