Women and looking after your PIL - AIBU?

[AboutTimeTwo]

Just interested in what other people do WRT their elderly PIL care?

My DH works very long hours, and doesn’t have much time to himself. His DSis is married, but never had DC and has a FT job with long hours too.

PIL seem to be going downhill, and I think one has some cognitive decline. I am pretty sure that in a couple of years they are going to both need some help.

My SIL has already said that she is not compromising her lifestyle to look after them, despite being on the receiving end of some very serious help over the years. My DH has also said that he can’t look after them as he works all the time.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

I work p/t and my youngest of 3 is just about to go to Uni. I have spent a good 2+ decades child rearing. I may even be a granny in the next 5 years, which would be lovely. I have never had a seconds help from my PIL and so I don’t feel that I owe them anything.

We haven’t got into debate over it yet, but I know that the second my PIL need help, both my DH and his DSis are going to think that I am free, and therefore I should be doing it. How I feel about this is that I have spent the past 2 decades child rearing, and I am not jumping straight into a carer role, plus I have my own parents to think of. I’ve thought about going FT if and when this happens, but then think why should I? I work 3.5 days a week and I do all the household stuff.

I’d like to have my position straight and be able to say no with confidence, so looking to be ahead of the game and ask what others think and how you would stand up for yourself? Oh, and AIBU to not want this responsibility?

When they start talking about it just go with "right I'll leave you to discuss that as your plans for his care obviously won't involve me because you are his DC so you'll be the ones to deal with everything" and leave them to it. Any "but...but...but" moments can be shot down with "as I said you are his DC so it's up to you to sort that out".

That should be the only input you give to any conversations. Shut down any assumptions that they have regarding your involvement firmly.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

Nope. That leaves the siblings in a position where their parents, or they themselves, need to pay for their care. Perfectly straightforward.

When first DF, then DM needed help we had great services from

Live out help

https://www.homeinstead.co.ukk*

Live in help

https://www.country-cousins.co.ukk*

Drawing attention to these options would be a way to open up the conversation, making it clear that the siblings are choosing between the available options.

You are simply not available. Stuck to that position, and it will all work out. Once you start to help, you will never be free of the obligation.

Even paid help still someone to be the contact and keep responsibility. Make sure on if the siblings can picks that up too, so you don't get stuck with the responsibility by default.

A whole army of Mumsnet is rooting for you.

Are your own parents still around?

If SIL and DH say no, you don't need to step in because they're not your parents - if their own kids don't want to do it then SIL and DH need to sit down and have a discussion around getting outside help.

I would stay out of it and let the siblings deal with it.

I would make it clear that you will be responsible for your parents as your first priority, your DH & your children

If people are in discussion, your DH & SIL should get power of attorney & wills in place for their parents. Perhaps investigate down sizing or moving to more suitable accommodation. If their health is declining, apply for non means tested attendance allowance.

Some people are living longer, late 80s, 90s, 100s

They pay for care. Just make it clear now that it won't be you.

Start the conversation with DH about caring responsibilities in general regarding your children.

Say "After twenty years of caring for children, thank god I can give up the caring role forever. Now it's my turn to relax and never have to care for someone again! That was really exhausting but I'm glad I did it so I get to enjoy the relaxation for the rest of my life. You're welcome"

I would be careful about taking this approach and raising it for discussion out of the blue. It will become 'your thing' that you've brought to the table and are therefore responsible for (you're not, but I guarantee the other parties will see it that way!). Happened to me a few times at work when I flagged operational issues, until I caught on.

Wait for them to acknowledge it as their transition to support first, and be ready to deflect and turn the question back to them, "oh right, do they need help with a shop? ok, how are you two planning to work that" "Caring? I'm not suitably qualified, much better for them if you two arrange some properly trained help"." Etc.

All that said, it's a bit concerning that you believe your husband is likely to volunteer you for this - really quite significant - commitment without your explicit agreement. Does he have a habit of volunteering you for things to appease others? If that's been the pattern of your relationship over the years, then be prepated that going against the status quo with this may have an impact on your marriage.

Do not state it now (that you are not caring for your PIL). Don’t do anything that gives even the tiniest impression that you might be obliged do this (the caring) and are somehow pulling back from your responsibilities within the family.
It is simply not your job.
Let them figure it out. Go grey rock on any suggestions, hints, direct requests.
Your intuition is correct and there’s a reason your SIL has set out her stall.
Worth noting she is completely within her rights to refuse to do the caring too - but she and your husband (and PIL) then need to come up with solutions using outside support. Not pointing at you.

This sounds like a lovely set up!

Ah thank you @HoboSexualOnslow :)

It works really well, FIL keeps his independence without feeling "checked on" but we know that we're there often enough to spot any issues or to help him out if needed. Not that he ever lets us, haha.

This. Women are by default seen to be carers, but why? These are not your parents. If you're asked, ask surprised. Ask why dh and his sister can't step up, then ask why your BIL isn't stepping up...

Christ, @LongDuckDong - you

used to always ask the ILs what their funeral plans would be but they refuse to engage

I'm not surprised!! Stop asking!!

But also, I think if you work PT and your h FT, and you've been married a long time, there should be some give and take here. Saying 'ooh, I might be a Granny in five years' doesn't really get you out of caring!!

They are not your responsibility. Ideally they will have some funds to buy help in. Some parents and offspring are reluctant for this to happen because they don't want any inheritance dwindling though. Do not be dragged into doing this. DH should support u in this.

Surely your PIL won't expect regular 'help'. Carers, cleaners, gardeners, online pharmacy, online shopping, taxis etc etc etc . They buy in as much care as possible, it's what we save for all our lives surely, to minimise the burden on our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own

You'd think so wouldn't you, @Sunnnybunny72? But with too many - even those who'd always insisted "Ooooo we'd never do that to DCs" - it's quickly forgotten once the need arrives and it becomes "Ooooo I can't have strangers in the house"

However OP's actually quite lucky in that this isn't even her own parents, so putting it onto her OH to sort out should be reasonably straightforward

Set your stall out now.

"DH, it's looking like your parents are going to need some help soon, have you and your sister spoken about how the pair of you are going to manage that when the time comes?"

If he makes any noises about you helping out, just be straight with him "under no circumstances will I be contributing to their care, this is something you and your sister need to manage. If we need me to go FT so you can drop some hours and take on their care and out housework, I'd be prepared to help out in that way."

Other than that, a simple "they're not my parents" should suffice to any further push back.

Strikes me she's supposed to do all the giving, while the IL's do the taking.

That's what carers or care homes are for

Saying 'ooh, I might be a Granny in five years' doesn't really get you out of caring

That's right. What the OP needs to say to get out of the caring is: I don't want to do this caring.

As soon as you start giving reasons you give people something to argue with. Saying you won't do it because you don't want to, is the one thing people can't argue against.

Mention ASAP that you won’t be providing care and since they can’t, they need to explore other options. If they challenge you, you can ask why on Earth they thought that having received little support from their parents and not being biologically related to them you would be more committed to caring for them than their own flesh and blood.

This, absolutely.

Don't let dh and SiL assume. Have conversations with them now. Getting the right support in now can help enormously, rather than waiting until there is a crisis.

Exactly this

As soon as you start giving reasons you give people something to argue with. Saying you won't do it because you don't want to, is the one thing people can't argue against

Exactly, @GreigeO - although even then you get "But why don't you want to do it?", which is where "It doesn't work for me" comes in

Alternate between the two of those without deviation and I find they soon run out of steam, though admittedly with bad grace

Yes, @sueelleker - see my earlier post when I mentioned this!

Are your own parents still around?
I would help my PIL but I'd expect their own children to take the lead. I can't believe they'd expect you to pick it up? Why?