Women and looking after your PIL - AIBU?

[AboutTimeTwo]

Just interested in what other people do WRT their elderly PIL care?

My DH works very long hours, and doesn’t have much time to himself. His DSis is married, but never had DC and has a FT job with long hours too.

PIL seem to be going downhill, and I think one has some cognitive decline. I am pretty sure that in a couple of years they are going to both need some help.

My SIL has already said that she is not compromising her lifestyle to look after them, despite being on the receiving end of some very serious help over the years. My DH has also said that he can’t look after them as he works all the time.

So, that leaves me right? There is no one else.

I work p/t and my youngest of 3 is just about to go to Uni. I have spent a good 2+ decades child rearing. I may even be a granny in the next 5 years, which would be lovely. I have never had a seconds help from my PIL and so I don’t feel that I owe them anything.

We haven’t got into debate over it yet, but I know that the second my PIL need help, both my DH and his DSis are going to think that I am free, and therefore I should be doing it. How I feel about this is that I have spent the past 2 decades child rearing, and I am not jumping straight into a carer role, plus I have my own parents to think of. I’ve thought about going FT if and when this happens, but then think why should I? I work 3.5 days a week and I do all the household stuff.

I’d like to have my position straight and be able to say no with confidence, so looking to be ahead of the game and ask what others think and how you would stand up for yourself? Oh, and AIBU to not want this responsibility?

Gosh if you’re working 3.5 days a week plus house/bills upkeep, then that’s as good as full time.

It's a firm hard no from me. Its the responsibility of the son and daughter.

My dh and I share everything. His mum has needed a lot of support and now my parents do. He couldn't really cope with his mum so a lot of it fell to me and her daughter and now I can't cope with my dad at all i dont know what id do without my husband. We are a team.

Men don't spend any time wondering if they will be required to care for their in-laws, do they?

Give it no more thought.

My MIL and uncle in law (UIL?!) both looked after their aging mother equally. Both visited once a day and did anything that was required. UIL wife is now having to travel and stay overnight regularly to care for her aging parents. When my MIL needed help we took her in for a few
months. When she was ill recently my DH and UIL did all the care. I took children away as planned at time. Not all men shy away from caring for their relatives. Here we care for our family and I would have no issue with caring for my MIl when the time comes. She has brought up my DH and helped care for my 3 DC. Maybe it’s an honor to look after those who once cared for us.

She doesn’t owe her PIL anything, especially as they never helped her.

Stop co-opting the nearest woman for elder care.

I agree with this. Stay out of it from the beginning. Always be busy and have plans if help is needed.

Give an inch and they will take a mile.

My DH spoke about the possibility of his Mother moving in with us in a year or so
I said yep that's fine but I'll be moving out if she does
Not another word has been spoken on the subject

I would have no issue with caring for my MIl when the time comes. She has brought up my DH and helped care for my 3 DC. Maybe it’s an honor to look after those who once cared for us.

But there is the massive difference She has ....... helped care for my 3 DC.
Unlike the OP's MiL

I wouldn't say anything now. Don't take ownership of the issue at all.

When the time comes, be aware it will not be a simple "no". It creeps up. Small favours here and there that eventually add up and you wake up one day and realize you're the only one responsible for her and she'll be so reliant on you, it will break your heart to withdraw your support.

Be aware and very firm from the beginning.

They have already stepped away from a potential responsibility. The reason you think it will fall to you is because you believe it is the DC' responsibility to divvy up the care. You need to get over that way of thinking and buy in to home care/residential care ad the solution. After all their own children have said they aren't doing it so they shouldn't expect someone else's child to

When I was with my ex, he would talk about having his mum live in a granny flat, with me being her carer! Um, no!

Caring for parents always seems to be down to daughters, and DiLs. My dad has only brothers, and it was my mum was ended up caring for his mum, despite working FT. My dad never even visited her when she went into a care home (which my mum had to arrange).

This is such a common thing, isn't it? SiL is concerned about her mother, but not enough to make any effort herself, but motivated to browbeat you into doing the duties.

My sister had this, they all live fairly close, apart from one sister in Devon. The other sister hardly bothered and her husband's brother's wife was far too busy, working two and a half days a week. My sis works full time as a school nurse and at the time, her Asperger's son needed driving to and from school and her daughter needed picking up a couple of nights a week after sports - her school was miles in the other direction from the lad's.

As my sister is compassionate, she wasn't able to look away and gradually ended up a slave to her husband's siblings' laziness. The actual daughter SiL even had a go at her for not doing enough, or being available 24/7 and she eventually unleashed on the pair of them, but she still did it all, to the end.

Don't end up like her.

You just say no, it’s not my responsibility, and keep saying it. If anyone suggests otherwise you just look at them like they are batshit and keep saying no. It might not be an issue, but it’s quite likely both your DH and the SIL are not going to want to change their lives, they would far rather you change yours. Dont.

My daughter goes to my MiL’s house and does things for her 3/4 times a week depending on what she needs doing
my Mil hasn’t ever done anything for us, never had my children nor lent us money, but that wouldn’t stop me helping her if needed and I work full time

I was in your shoes Op. worked part time, having cared ( with siblings) for my own parents, run the house, dogs etc. Never had a seconds help from MIL. She was a taker.
MIL, SIL & BIL expected that I would be the one running around after MIL - shopping, lifts etc. SIL did not drive and would not expect her husband to help. BIL lived remotely.

I had to learn to say ‘ No, sorry, I am not free to do that’, on repeat . Don’t give reasons, don’t offer suggestions.

Luckily DH agreed with me. Personally I would not pre-empt at this stage. I would focus on reminding myself that this was not my responsibility.

To be fair, I did help, but on my terms.

You just say no. They are not your responsibility. You don't have to explain yourself or justify it. If they need carers, they can pay someone to come in and help, or their children can. If their care needs become more comprehensive, there are care homes. Does your DH have POA? Now would be a good time to put that in place.

You just say, they aren’t my parents and as neither of the actual children are stepping up then you have no idea why they think you should.

i wouldnt even bring it up, why put yourself in the middle of solutions, just say no when or if it comes up and leave it at that.

Can u invite yr sil around and tell her and your DH that they need to discuss what they are going to do and take it from there?

My ILs were absolutely no help or support to me when dc was small(not that I expected it) and were no support when my dm was ill and subsequently passed away. No offers of help whatsoever.
I will be returning the favour when it’s their turn. I will not be offering and will refuse if asked.

The problem is that it’s probably going to start by stealth. So one day it’s ‘Can you take MIL to a hospital appointment? It’s on your day off & Ive got a big meeting?’

And it’s not framed as looking after PIL, it’s ’working as a team’ with DH.

You tell your husband that you are insulted he thinks it’s natural and acceptable that you would make ‘caring for his parents’ such a central part of your life so that he just doesn’t have to bother. It’s his parents, his responsibility, so you won’t be doing it. How dare he even ask?

That would be my tack if it came up. Hard no.

This 100%, not sure why you're even worrying about it

You've answered your own question:

"I have spent the past 2 decades child rearing, and I am not jumping straight into a carer role, plus I have my own parents to think of. I work 3.5 days a week and I do all the household stuff." So no. They're your parents, you sort it out with DSis.

Rinse and repeat.

Have they actually asked you or are just assuming, if they ask you say no it doesn't need to be a drawn out thing